Young Writers Society

Hi, hello, good morning, good evening, good afternoon and goodnight as well as many other pleasant things that I have forgotten due to a juggling accident. Anyway, Wolf here.
This is such a sweet poem. It envelops such a deep longing that resonates well with the readers so that they themselves feel it either through relation or empathy. I quite like the format you use, especially how the bold and itanlicized words add a special emphasis to the lines.
one thing to keep in mind when writing poetry is the rhythm. Here you use lines that are of all different lengths and syllable counts. That is fine but sometimes an out of place word or two can make it difficult to read and remain engrossed in.
Overall this was a beautiful poem and very relatable. I look forward to seeing more of your work. as always remember what you found helpful and ignore the rest. Keep writing and may the force be with you.

Yours truly,
Wolf

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! And welcome to YWS! I think you'll enjoy it here!

I enjoyed this poem a lot! I think the question of "why" something is is very powerful, and your ending did a nice job of asking some great questions. I think the messages were strong about how this person doesn't want to suffer and all they want is this one person. You conveyed that through strong imagery and nice poetic language, so great job!!

One thing I really liked was how you played with visual structure as well, with the formatting. The alteration between bold and italic was subtle, and honestly, when I saw all the bold words at first, I blanched, cause normally I use bold as sparingly as possible. The way you did it, though, was really lovely and worked well with he whole piece. It felt almost like a volley in some sport (like table tennis or something) going back and forth and back and forth. I think that the last line where they come together was very powerful and quite fun. It was a very fitting ending and felt almost like the text modes giving each other a hug.

One thing I wondered about was the flow. There were some places where it felt a little contrived, which in turn made it slightly stilted. The fact that it's a short piece could also have some impact on that. There was also a tiny case of rhyme baiting, where you made it sound like the poem was going to rhyme in some places and then ultimately it didn't. This can serve its own purpose, but I feel like for this, it just felt almost lazy. This might be my own bias creeping in, but I think this poem might work too if there was a certain structure to it. It's fine as it is now, of course, but it would be interesting to play with structures and see what you come up with.

Overall: nice work! I think your poem is probably something many can relate to (and, if not all of it, some of it.) I think the formatting was very clever and it was a joy to read. Hope to read more of your work soon! Until next time!