i shouldn't be writing this. they say you're a devastating lady. i'm not surprised; i'm vaguely familiar with you, though not personally. but . . i'd like to be. i know it's wrong.
after all, you're a monster, one who incites death in the lives of young girls and boys alike.
you feed them lies, distort their perception of themselves. intoxicated, drunk on your delusions and perfume, they trail mindlessly after you . . cows being led to slaughter. you're irresistible.
still, i shouldn't want you. i already have a lover.
his name is sin.
but there's a part of me that's afraid that someday, i'll wake up and he won't be enough . . i want you. i want a relationship i have no control over. i want to die slowly, smothered by your embrace.
i want to fade into skin and bones.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
ED here to review.
First of all, this looks really promising. It's dark and angsty and very relatable (probably) to a lot of people.
That being said, it's much too short. Well, you said you plan on expanding this into a novel. In that case you can leave this as-is, only as a short little preface or something before chapter one.
I'm not sure if this is poetry or prose, it could be both I suppose. Not sure if you can keep that style up for a whole book or not, but it works here in such a short little blurb.
Second, capitalize and use correct grammar. Not punctuating the beginning of your sentences isn't poetic or aesthitic or unusual... it's just incorrect. Reminded me of reading fb posts. Almost like you typed this on your phone or something. (Hmm?) Please do change that.
I don't know why you've chosen this here, as it's usually "sheep" or "lambs," not cows. Cows remind me of farms and burgers, sort of distracting for a piece like this. But a lamb? That reminds me of Hannibal and Satan, just something you might want to consider.
Overall this was good. Not great though. I think it's a little too bland, it's lacking something. It needs an originality of perspective, I think. Fresh imagery.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be about but I don't agree with Teen down there, I see it as a description of an image and vanity possessed culture. But that's just me.
Hope this helped a bit.
~ED
Wow. This was really dramatic and powerful. Your use of language to convey what you are saying is astounding.
Now, when I say that I mean that you made good use of your English, using mature words where you didn't exactly have to. It adds a bit of texture and flavor to the work.
But, and for all I know this could be intentional, your grammar in two areas is severely lacking. Now, if this is intentional then please ignore the next few sentences.
All of your [I]s should be capitalized. The beginning of each new sentence should be capitalized. Those are your only two issues which is why I am wondering if they were intentional. If they are, and you prefer to keep it that way, then simply disregard me. I don't mind.
I sort of understand your plot. The main character discusses in first person about this male (I'm assuming it's male, that's the vibe that I am getting.) who destroys other peoples lives and how she (again, I'm assuming here) wants him but shouldn't.
That was the first impression I got.
After another read-through, it looks like you are talking about eating disorders.
Whatever your plot is, this is really good work. It is my recommendation that you do fix the grammar, but as I have said, leave it alone if you are happy with it.
Welcome to the site by the way! If you need help with anything feel free to PM me.
KT