Published December 13, 2009
I was lost and scrambled
In a place I never knew
A place I never wanted to go through
Turning and twisting
Never finding my way
And there was nothing anyone could say
But that whole time I thought of you
Not the roads and not the cars
Not the music, not the guitars
All I saw was your face
Your voice laughing and singing
A sound no longer ringing
Tears for everything and nothing
Flew from my cheeks
Emotions I had built up for weeks
I screamed and I screamed
But "No" was all that came out
Because I want to be the one you can't live without
My head was distracted by this morning
When you held me tight and showed me forever
And kissed me softly so I'll remember
That I love you
I didn't scream it then but I'll scream it now
For as long as you'll allow
I don't want to be alone anymore
I don't want to feel empty anymore
That's not what our time is for
So I'll force my feelings away
And focus on the drive
And on our love that is very much still alive.
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139,751 Literary Works • 672,695 Reviews
Hey there!
Ok, so some of the rhyme here felt kind of forced. It's not terrible, but I get the feeling that you could word it so much better if you weren't sticking to a rhyme scheme. For some reason it was the last lines of stanzas which gave me that feeling. Not sure why!
But, however, the rhyme scheme does this awesome thing of making the poem sound slightly more like a song, in a way. So that's great because it relates to your music metaphor and all.
I would consider trying free form at some point, but it's really up to you for this poem.
Hope I helped!
~Amy
I like your rhyme, it sort of ringed in my head as I read this. I like the music metaphore type of thing in the second stanza. I don't like the idea of the poem. (Love poem ew.) I am sorry but that's all I got to say.
Good luck. Keep writing.
Silented1.
I enjoyed it - it has a very nice tempo to it. The story in the poem was as author 'IveGotMyWords' says, bittersweet. I also agree that some of your rhymes seem forced, but that did not greatly effect the overal result. Personally, I think these would make good song lyrics.
I like it. It tells a story and there are some things that you describe really well. It's very bittersweet.
But I feel like there are some forced rhymes... or just stuff that didn't flow well
"I didn't scream it then but I'll scream it now/For as long as you'll allow"
I felt like that line was a bit forced, but that might be just how you wrote it. It's not bad, that's probably the thing that stuck out most. So that's a good thing.
And I like how there's not really a set meter... disregarding the line I mentioned, it flows really well.
I enjoyed it :]
~Marc