striving to know me.

I really liked the format on this poem, The way it came to a literal climax, and then descended into a resolution. It was perfect for the feeling, the almost-numbness of the person. It lent feeling to the poem, but not so that it was overbearing.

I think amber made a mistake and posted her own work here. So you've only gotten one review!

Oh noes!

I must fix that, well I'm Kamas here to give you my two cents.

Now I really enjoy the composition, it's lovely and well done. Never seem to find many composed ones around here. It's interesting. Great job on that.

The biggest problems I think are the lack of flow and a flat vocabulary. Use words that paint a picture of what you see yourself as, for example instead of the word flew, a more colourful word could be soared or glided.

So for one of your sentences instead of fat, use plump, paunchy or tubby. Any word that could give us more to work with. It's always good to keep a thesaurus handy.

As for the flow, you are basically stating sentence after sentence. Poetry has rhythm, flow. Stating sentence after sentence is only a mouthful for the reader. Use words to that will lead into the next line. Maybe some internal rhyme or just similar sounding words.

Now I'm off! Hope that was helpful to you. Keep working at it.

Kamas

A good exposition of heart fealt thoughts but gloomy ! are u soo melancholic or is it metrely a good subject for poetry u thought! anyways read this under given story it might want u 2 love n live every treasure coming ur way u may write 2 me i 2 am a poet who has shed the melancholic self a while back n fallen 2 mplace .My e-mail is ambertalwar@gmail.com


A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves he found a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was as if someone had rolled clay balls and left them out to dry in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took the bag out of the cave with him. As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could...

He thought little about it, until he dropped one and it cracked open on a rock. Inside it was a beautiful, precious stone!

Excited the man started to break open the remaining clay balls. Each one contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth of jewels in the remaining ones.

Then it struck him. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls into the ocean. Then he realized he could have taken homes maybe tens of thousands of dollars instead of hundreds of dollars that he had just thrown away.

It’s like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from the outside. Its isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we tend to discount it.

We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful or stylish or well known or perhaps wealthy. But we have not taken the time to find the treasure hidden inside that person.

There is a treasure in each and every one of us... If we take the time to get to know that person, and we ask God to show us that person the way he sees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth.

May we not come to the end of out lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden in bits of clay. May we see people in our world as God sees them?

Always appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends. Life is too short and friends are too few in our lifetime.

striving--

I like the concreteness of these poem. The small-big-small structure is kind of a cool idea.

However, variety is sometimes your friend. There are a lot of "I hate life" poems around--especially from teenage writers--and, unfortunately, unless your poem is something no one else has ever been about to think of before, it's going to flop. I'm not saying you can't write about it, I'm just saying you need to carefully examine the things that make your poem the BEST. Right now, other than the structure, it's very normal for this kind of poetry.

Just need some originality.

Good luck!
Via