Published September 29, 2009
reversed rewind
in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe. - michael jackson
I slid into the backseat of a cab and drummed my fingers on the leather.
'Where you goin' buddy?'
'Anywhere away from here.'
The driver gave me a strange look but pulled away from the bay regardless. My fare probably made sure he ate tonight.
'You from around these parts?'
'Oh no sir. I’m a long way from home.'
I slid from the backseat of the cab and thanked the driver. Threw him a couple of hundred dollar bills through the window as well.
'Your fare was only $10! Hey man, do you want some change?'
'Change would be fantastic.'
I walked away into the sea of people. I was immediately lost in the hubbub of New York, the delicious hubbub of New York.
'Watch where you’re goin' jackass.'
'Will do, sir.'
New York was wonderful if you wanted to disappear but not miss out on life. You could stand on a sidewalk for no more than 5 minutes and hear a million different stories.
'Luigi's on the Boulevard has shut down girl! You di'nt know? Cockroaches or somethin' nasty like that.'
'So I told him where to go, you know? No-one treats my sister like that and I told him that too.'
'Molly finally had the baby after, like, 18 hours in labour. I know right, 18 hours is a long time!'
Every anecdote had some meaning or heart behind it and that was what reached out to me so much. Listening to tales is my favourite thing to do; there is no way for people outside your head to fully differentiate between reality and fantasy. I can remember stories my mother used to whisper in my ear more than anything from my childhood - when everything is hectic in my world, its easy to slip away into a story from when I was 4 years old.
My feet took me to a sweet Italian cafe where you can sit in the window and watch everything go by. The waitress, a gorgeous old thing, spoke with a homely Italian accent that had picked up New York twangs along the way.
'A coffee, ah? You need somethin’ to bulk you up, how ‘bout a muffin?'
'No thank you bellisima.'
I sat in the comfortable armchair and drank cup after cup of this lady's own blend. The sky eventually turned an inky black, nightlife began to thrive and I was gently ushered from the cosy place with an old Italian lady making me promise to come again. She kissed me on both cheeks and bundled me onto the street, tutting at my lack of coat.
'Take care caro.'
'Always, bellisima.'
I slid into the backseat of a cab and brushed my fingers along the leather.
'Hey, its you.'
'Me again.'
'Home this time buddy?'
'Home is far away. Just to my hotel would be good enough for me, thank you sir.'
The driver pulled away from the bay with a smile on his face.
'Change will come soon y'know buddy.'
'Oh I know. I’m just waiting for the right moment to make it happen.'
'Hey, good luck with that. Lord knows someone needs to do somethin'.'
'Thank you sir.'
And I pressed another hundred-dollar bill into the cab drivers hand.
'For believing.'
'Anytime buddy.'
I slid from the backseat and back into the reality of my chaotic world where I checked my watch every minute for just the right moment.
thank you for reading <3
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I love your style. The whole New York feel, the dialects, and the main character. You're really good at style. You should either replace the quote or revise the entire piece to fit with the quote. I suggest the former. Also as others said before me, the money thing is unrealistic. And as others said, you need to add more background. The mysteriousness of the story turns to confusion when not enough background is given. Also the scenes loss importance when not enough background is given. Take the part about the childhood stories and the diner scene as an example. They mean nothing without knowledge of his background. There's a story there, some theme or message you're trying to reveal. If you can figure out what it is, you can make this piece stronger. Overall, your writing is good. It just needs a little more direction.
I like the mysterious tone of the entire story, but you can add more description about the city and everything without detracting from that.
The part about him being four years old, and fantasy and reality didn't make a lot of sense. It sort of seemed like you threw it in there for the purpose of looking insightful and wise.
Also I would've liked more background on the narrator, see why he's so rich or why he's wandering around giving cryptic messages but overall, I really actually liked it, especially the dialogue and the thing about hearing new stories from everybody.
I agree with fading-dream. It had potential but it was kind of boring. It had my interest at first, but then it ended up no-where. Slightly confusing, it did seem like something was missing.
I thought this had potential but never went anywhere. The person gets into a cab, goes to some random place, and then goes to their hotel. I didn't see the point. It seems like a climax, or something else is missing. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Definitely has potential though.
Hey, I really liked this, is there going to be more? I hope this is not all of it, that would be utterly disappointing! I'm interested to see what will happen to this man. Where does he live? Where is his family? So many questions, but I'll stop there. Well, that's all. Bye-bye now!
(Oh, the elephants! They have returned from their sleep! When will this end?! When will I be free?!)
I'm just going to go from beginning to end with this story.
First off, the Michael Jackson quote at the beginning is out of place. Michael Jackson quotes should stay in stories about Michael Jackson. This story also has quite a few little pieces that just feel out of place. Phrases like 'My fare probably made sure he ate tonight' are cool in theory but just detract from your story when thrown about haphazardly. I also have problems with this exchange:
First off, even rich people don't just throw hundreds of cab drivers, especially those who've only made some small talk. And cab drivers who need their fare to get dinner, as you said a few lines up, don't offer change when they get thrown hundreds of dollars. They thank the person, maybe saying they can't accept it, but they don't give it back, and they definitely don't assume it was a mistake. Especially since the narrator already gave him his fare. And why would the narrator ask for change?
Next, the repetition of 'the hubbub of New York' isn't really working for me. It sounds weird, and I don't see the narrator as the kind of person who says hubbub.
Also, not sure I get what this quote means:
And why does someone who loves the 'hubbub' of the city stay in a cafe all day? Maybe he should stare out the window or something. Yeah, and get rid of those weird phrases like Rynax said. The cafe doesn't really add to the story much, and takes too big a piece up- so I'd think about that.
Which gets us to the ending. Which I personally think is cool, except for the unnecessary money thing. But face it-- it doesn't make much sense. All because of one line--
This makes it sound like the cab driver has some mutual understanding of the narrator's problem. Which should be impossible.
In Conclusion:
Pros-
+Narrator is wonderfully mysterious and chill
+Ending is really cool, with just a few changes
+Narrator's story is wonderfully sad
Cons-
-Money shenanigans
-Too short
-Some awkward phrases
-Cafe scene seems unnecessary
-Needs just a little more background
Really want to love this story, even with it's faults. It just needs a little more polish. Keep going on this one for sure and I think it will end up really, really good.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd give this a 7. For me, it was a nice reading experience,visualizing the main character wandering through NYC and interacting with the many different kind of people out there. I love the whole concept of ending back in the same cab at the end. You didn't give much background, though, like why the character wants change. I'm guessing you meant for this to be a short story. If so, then forget about adding more background; less is more in this case because it attributes the quality of a mysterious air to this piece. Probably try to avoid using out-of-date phrases like "gorgeous old thing" and I'm wondering where this character gets hundreds of dollars to give away so easily. Other than that, your work is just a pinch away from perfect.