Published October 27, 2010
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,720 Literary Works • 675,608 Reviews
Alright, so, I'm gonna tackle one thing in this review, and it's gonna be quick.
Alright, so
1) always start a new paragraph with speech.
That makes it easier for the reader to read and understand.
2)you use ellipses a lot. Why? You can also show stuttering using em-dashes.
Overall, this was good. Although, I found some of your speech unrealistic, like the part here, and your emotions didn't seem to match.
Think. how would you react in your characters place?
~WickedWonder
my formatting was actually like that i dunno what happened when i pasted it on the site :/
anyways thanks for reviewing
Hello.
I'll be honest and say I only read the first half of paragraph one.
The first thing that grated on me was the lack of a hook as a first line. There was no real reason to keep reading, nor any surprising element that made you want to find out what was going on. With a title like "hunting for trouble" I was expecting a bit more of a hook. This article goes into more depth on the topic.
The second thing I noticed was your formatting. Each time a new person speaks, there should be a new paragraph. So this:
Becomes this:
I'd also work on this thing called punctuation. You need some at the end of each line of dialogue; what I'll leave up to you. This article is on dialogue punctuation, and while you're at it, I'd suggest looking at this article on punctuation marks. Pay special attention to the capitalization section, as you are missing/misusing them. ("House" [not quoted] should be "house" and "what" [in Spider's dialogue] should be capitalized.)
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey
Hello strangeshellie!
Neat name! Anyway, down to the review!
Impression/Plot:
Interesting. I love werewolf/hunter/vampire/creepy mythical stories, so that's good. You don't give us a lot of background for the characters, so it's really hard for me to gauge how I feel about the story so far. Maybe if you go back and revise you can go into a bit more detail about the setting, characters, and their respective backgrounds,etc. As readers, we like to be intrigued by what we read.
Right now all I know is that there are two teenagers: one named Spider and the other one, the MC I suppose, doesn't have a name. You really need to give her a name. I'm assuming it's a girl. Those two know about "supernatural" stuff, Spider's dad is a hunter (like from Supernatural, great show! Ahem), the girl (no name) saw a werewolf killing someone, and they decide to go off on their own to kill it. Okay, so while I was reading it I thought, "Silly kids, haven't you ever seen a horror movie? Don't go after the monster by yourselves in the dark on Friday the 13th." But they didn't listen. Guess where they ended up? That's right, werewolf bait. Hopefully they don't get eaten.
Grammar/Style/Syntax:
The way you had this formatted--giant blocks of text--isn't very fun to read. I'd suggest breaking the large paragraphs down into smaller ones, preferably giving each character their own paragraph when the dialogue changes to them. Example:
Okay, so with that first block of text, I corrected any grammatical errors I found, spaced the dialogue out properly, and tweaked anything else that I thought was odd. All of those fixings are in green. You might notice that I changed up and added different sentences, but it's just stuff I thought would contribute to a better flow. You don't necessarily have to change them.
Final Remarks!:
I thought it was cool that you had a character named Spider. That's something I've never come across before, so it's unique in that way. I think you just want to be careful not to go down the cliche road when writing about this topic. It sounds like you're going for a more hunter-style story here, so you probably have nothing to worry about.
Happy Writing!
Bailey