Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Hi, you’ve reached Trinity. I’ll return your call as soon as possible. I would have answered, but I was already on the phone with Bill Gates - I swear. Oh, if your Soph call again... beep.
I let out a sigh and call again because it’s habitat and what else would I do? I stare at the sunset that is complementing the lake. I take in the blue and orange view that should not exist in nature. The bluish-orange colors stand out but also blend, making the sky look as if Bob Ross painted it. I pull my gaze down to Lake Michigan. I take in the water that has a hint of blue and orange. I focus on the waves that cascade across the ocean-sized lake and smile, really smile for the first time in 2 months.
Beep
I jump and the smile falls almost as fast as it came.
“Hi Trin, it’s me Sophie ha…I um this is the 8th time I’ve called. I don’t know why I keep calling or if it’s okay that I am.” My stomach sinks and abruptly, I don’t know why I’m here; staring at the sky where my best friend is staring right back (hopefully) Instead of focusing on that this is the closest I will ever get to her again, I rip my gaze up to the seagulls flying around.
“School starts tomorrow, it’s crazy that we are,” My breath catches on the last word and I punch myself for saying we “Or I am a junior. I truly wish you were here to mark things off of our bucket list. I just miss you so, so much. I don’t think I can do this. It feels wrong to be checking things off without you. I can drive now. I drove myself to the lake. I guess I can check off the list.” I stopped and recalled the last time we went to the lake one week before she would never see the sky again. This sunset was different. It was light pink and purple. We took pictures of each other and posted them on our Instagrams. I go back to that post so many times, just so I can see us together, smiley and living life to the fullest. I blink back the tears I’ve been holding in my eyes since I got here and focus the on seagulls one last time.
“Anyway I love you, Sophie, out”
I set the phone down next to the blankets that keep me warm on top of my car, gather my things, get in my white jeep, and start the 10 minutes of curvy roads back home.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Ahh a heartbreaking tale here of a best friend having passed away and another trying to live through it and just get by here, just trying to learn how to exist without her best friend and you capture it beautifully here.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Hmm well an interesting little start here. Someone on just this beautiful little area trying to have a relaxing moment but it seems being just a little bit interrupted by people trying to reach them. It seems an annoyance on some level but it seems more playful than genuinely angry here.
Well this is quite the little moment here, looks almost like our friend here is running away from something there and its the best friend that's calling, and being ignored and going to voice mail and it looks its mostly cause this person's trying to put it all behind, tearing up at the fact that they can never see Sophie again. Quite the powerful moment there immediately.
Oooh okay looks like I have been misinterpreting that just a little bit here. We're on a much worse situation with Trinity here it seems having passed away recently and her best friend Sophie is just leaving her voice mails out of habit, trying to process it and get through the grief of knowing she can never see here again. That just suddenly makes it so much more powerful.
AHh well it looks like Sophie is coping the only way that she can, trying to understand what this will mean and just know that she must try and move on here, clinging onto a little hope that Trinity is still around somewhere looking back at her.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall a truly powerful piece this, just hitting on some very tough and incredibly powerful emotions of how it feels like to loose a friend and have to cope with it all. I think you do a great job with and really paint a picture that draws people to tears here.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hello, hello, fellow author! I saw your work in the Green Room and decided to deliver a bird-themed review for you, partially inspired by the YWS S'more Method! Let’s dive right into it! (Bird-style, of course)
Bird’s-Eye View: First Impressions!
This short piece beautifully captures a moment of healing. The main character holds on to the memory of her best friend by leaving her voicemails on her phone. Although it has been a long journey of missing her friend, Sophie starts to feel peace and joy again.
Flying High: Things I Loved!
I love the symbolism of the sunset. When Sophie is looking out at it, she is reminded in many ways of the person she lost. She thinks back to when she had been at the Lake with Trinity, and how different everything was back then. She also sees the sunset as where Trinity resides.
Another thing I love is that Sophie is just telling Trinity about her life, and talking to her just like a friend. It really shows that life continues, and things happen, even when we feel everything has stopped.
Bird Song: Favorite Lines!
This dialogue feels very authentic amongst Sophie's moment of wondering. This line shows the complexities of how everyone deals with and copes with grief differently. (And yes, of course it's okay that she wants to talk with Trinity again)
*I think you might have meant "habit" here. Just thought I should mention
I love how this shows how close Sophie and Trinity are. It also explains that Sophie still feels a bit lost without Trinity, and almost is subconsciously calling her.
Preen Your Feathers: A Bit of Advice!
One thing I would like to mention is the second paragraph, where you describe the sunset. You used the words "orange and blue" multiple times, which can sound repetitive. Choosing different words to describe the colors that Sophie sees may make this part flow better.
Of course, this is just my interpretation, and you don't have to take my advice if you don't want to. I just want to include helpful feedback to you as a writer. This piece is still amazing!
Lifting Off: Closing Thoughts!
Overall, this was a beautifully written scene that explores the ways in which we cope with grief. In a few paragraphs, you gave us enough knowledge to understand the situation, while also providing unique imagery and connecting us to the protagonist. Well done!
Keep writing! -Avian
This is beautiful. The feeling of starting new things without your friend and exploring them and at the same time realizing that is not with you but always in your heart.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the review?
Top Graham Cracker - Sophie is driving off somewhere, calling her friend, Trinity, but Trinity won’t answer.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I feel like the last “beep” for the phone ringing could be made in italics for sound, but that’s up to you.
Chocolate Bar - I like that the sky was described as a painting by Bob Ross. It brings to me infinite, dreamlike beauty that is right above the characters’ head. I also like the cover of the story, it’s pretty.
Closing Graham Cracker -Trinity hasn’t yet called Sophie back. I don’t know why Trinity hasn’t called back, but it can’t be good. I’ll be certain to check out the next chapter. :>
I wish you a fantastic day/night!