I don't get very far
Before running at the car
I think I'm faster in this summer sun.
My brother too, joins the race
My head start versus his faster pace
We reach a locked door; who gets to ride shotgun?
Dad smiles and stands
Car keys in hand
Waiting for us to settle our dispute
Big brother takes a step and sighs
Backs off to let me take the prize
It seems I get the front seat for this route
How strange to think
They passed in a blink
These rare times of happiness and peace.
From the moment till today
What time has passed I cannot say
I wonder what we've lost from his caprice
Somewhere along this darkened street
Big brother found his own two feet,
Stumbled away and lost the boy I used to know
Once, my brother
Now, just another
What happened to him when he had to grow?
I miss the prods, I miss the pokes
I miss the way he used to joke
I miss knowing that he knew I was there
No more games
Or calling names
No sign that he even used to care.
Where is my friend, where is my foe?
Did he leave him at Long Ago?
What happened to our daily plays and fights?
When I look up he should be there
He should have some advice to spare
Why do I have a poem to write?
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews guys
I'll see if I can't redo it without rhyme and add a little more punctuation in there
Most of what I would have to say about this has been said. The emotion is real, but it's hidden behind your rather forced rhymes. I think you could do better to write this in free verse. Otherwise, beautiful job!
Well I'm the oldest kid in my family, but I still know how this sort of thing feels - it's weird when someone suddenly transforms to become someone else, and I felt the impact on you, but I have a problem with the rhyme scheme. It felt too forced and kind of sing-songy, if you know what I mean. I think the reviewer above me got it right - just let the words flow, and if they don't rhyme, who cares? Don't be restricted by that. Still, I felt like this piece was really relateable.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hey!
Imaginemymind really nitpicked the only mistakes and improvable aspects I could find, so I have only compliments to offer.
Well done! This was a really unique and touching poem, and I really enjoyed it. It was cute and ... well, it is kind of hard to describe it. (That is a good thing!)
Yes ... once again, I really did enjoy this poem. I can feel it, sort of, although I have never been in that position (my brother is younger than me - I'm hoping the same thoughts aren't running through his head).
Thank you for this moving poem: I think you have some potential.
God bless,
Ignis (:
Hey storiesandsuch here for a quick review !
Let's just get the technical blah out the way (:
1.) You should split this into stanzas.
2.)The rhyming seemed forced.
&
3.) Try to work on your punctuation.
Okay, this was deep. I could feel the emotion behind it. The heartbreak of not having that person you trusted, maybe even looked up to, not be the same. It's a sweet poem that let's you release all the pent-up feelings. It came out great. My only big critiques are the ones I pointed out before :
Punctuation:
Even though it's a poem you have to know that it needs punctuation. I know you put some periods here and there and also question marks, but i found myself pausing where there wasn't any end marks. Try reading it aloud to catch those.
Stanzas:
This is just basic. It is less intimidating that way, because i wasn't really going to read it because it looked to long. But the title caught me.
Rhyming:
Although I know that poems that rhyme seem to be the thing to do , it doesn't always work out. It resricts you from expressing yourself. Just let it flow. Trust me, it's better than being held back by words.
Keep up the good work -Imaginemymind (: