Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A hunchback and a broken man watch as the teenager cremates her mother by a river.
Dear Kayal,
This letter is only to be opened when I am gone. I am one of your mother's, the other is India. Born into a land of men, my father (you don't know him) gave me to my in-laws in exchange for some land for his cows to graze on. I'm nothing but some land, as is India. I'm a Madrassi, I travelled far with you tied to my chest. From the Andaman's to the Ghats, I took you to unthinkable places. I'm no saint child, I've tried to abandon you; I placed you on a boat and watched it sail. I thought I couldn't bring you up in this man's world. It was too violent, maybe another land might've been nicer to us.
We travelled from village to village dodging rape and scolding women. Countless times I've hung men from palm trees, sick men. Men that deserved to die. The hunchback is merely creature stepped on by the same system. Like me and you, he's a Dalit; he means no harm to any of us. The man you call watchman, me and him made you Kayal, he is no father to you. You know who your parents are. He repents his crimes by forever watching over you, he is broken.
His mother could not give up her land to the next heir. We are just land child. She ordered you and I to be killed. A little babe with a sickle across her neck. My husband had gone off to fight a year before, let's just say; my glistening white saree was blood red as I ran through vibrant jungles in Munnar, Kerala. With you on my back and that same sickle sword in my hand, I ran to the coast. I ran for days. To live in violent lands, we must be the barbarians; do you think this fight for us would end it one battle? Thank fuck for the pistol your grandfather left, we owe our lives to it. I was waiting for your father, watching from a rock we call Ela as the Southwest Monsoon bombarded the banana trees.
If there is smoke, my husband is there; the watchman. The rain had discarded the fumes. Where war is, he is. Drenched in Mother Earth I stood at Ela, my red saree soaked, my bindi wiped off, my earrings fighting the windy current; ready to jump. I stood there, eight months pregnant with you and I was ready to rid us both so we may never smell the soil again. That's when it spoke to me, thunder roared, lightning flashed; reflecting off the rain droplets. I could hear her, the cosmos blended around me (you won't believe me Kayal) and all matter shifted into being a physical entity: wind, feeling, anarchy, mystery - it was all tangible.
She said: Millions of women will stand at this spot. Looking out for a man who will never return, watching a land which is not ready for them. They will strive, they will fight. You are not you; you are an embodiment of all the women who have once stood in your place. Not knowing where to go, not knowing whether you will live free or live at all. You will forever be a Mother of India, in a blood red saree watching over the fiery cosmos.
We all have our own journey, meet me when you finish yours.
Kayal folds the paper, she turns to the watchman and the hunchback holding back tears. With her mother burned to ash behind her and the smoke blanketing her eyes:
She stands atop a protuding rock in a bright red saree wondering where she will go from here.
'She looks just like her mother,' said the watchman.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! Here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: And wow...this was a really emotional piece. It has quite a lot of impact despite being as short as it is. And it is pretty well written. And I love the idea that you've brought out here.
Anyway let's get to it,
Just a suggestion: You could like get rid of this line completely and it would just make the final few lines, where it is revealed that it's the teenager and the hunchback, have way more of an impact than if this one line was there. Here it reduces the effect of that last bit.
I love the description here. And the backstory is also done really well. We're told enough to understand the context but not given too much information that can get a little bland. So this is great.
This creates a beautiful image right here. It's some great description.
Well this is a pretty heavy ending right there. There are so many possibilities. It's a really great way to end a story like this.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: I love the message here. It is very moving and the emotion is captured really well. The images that you bring out are also amazing. Overall it's just a really good story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you so much for your detailed review. Have a good one!
Thank you so much for your detailed review. Have a good one!
Your Welcome!!
Hello steffenate,
Stellarjay here for a review. First off, this was a nice story! It was short and concise and yet filled with emotion and meaning. It was really well done. But now on to the review!
1.
It should be "mothers." right now it sounds like she is saying that she is one of the teenager's mother's something. (like an aunt for example.) It's a little confusing.
2.
I believe there should be a comma after land. Also, it might be more effective if you used property instead of land. You use the word "land" a lot in this context. it's always nice to change it up a bit.
3.
When you wrote "let''s just say" it breaks away from the more formal writing in the rest of the letter. Try to stick to one kind of writing style. It makes everything much more consistent.
Other than that, it was a powerful story. There was a driving message of women's rights, the right to choose your own path in life. I really liked it! Anyways, I hope this review was helpful. As always keep on writing and enjoy the rest of your day!
-Stellarjay
Noticed and truly noted, thank you so much for your review Stellarjay!
Have a good day too!
Hi steffenate! This is such a amazing flash fiction. I would suggest trying to figure out how to break up the paragraphs. It felt a little static. Honestly, that's all of the advice that I have. This is amazing work, keep it up!
-Sincerely, RadDog
Thank you mate!