Jack is the normal 17-year-old boy, even above average, have many friends and getting more sports scholarships than a person can count. When he meets a young criminal, though, he understands the true meaning of life.
Jack
The first time I saw Thorn was at a bus stop, the second, the cafeteria. The first time I spoke to her, though, was the second time I’d seen her.
She and I had to wait outside in the rain for the city bus. I was trying to go to the library, god knows where she was going, or if she was even going anywhere.
Anyway, she had her jacket pulled around her tightly, with the collar up. Her eyes kept darting down the street, and I later learned that she was looking for her friend. After a couple of minutes, she turned to me and said:
"If someone looking for Thorn comes by, tell them she's going to the library."
She then proceeded to walk down the road the opposite way her eyes were a couple moments ago. I hadn't gotten a word out.
She wasn't going to the library.
* * *
The second time is when I spoke to her, as I said. I was in the cafeteria of school and I saw her walking around the hallways right in front of the lunch room. I excused myself from my table and went to go talk to her.
"I told your friend you went to the library."
"Thanks," she replied. Her voice was scratchy, like she needed a cough drop.
"You weren't there."
She stared at me in disbelief. "Do I look like someone who goes to libraries for fun?"
"Well, no." After a long, silent moment, I said, "Where did you go?"
"If you want to know, then follow me."
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there Dragon. Cheetah here to review your piece.
This was really good. Right off the bat you create a theme of suspense that keeps the reader hooked. Your description was dazzling, as was your dialogue. Well done!
An example of such suspense was:
It makes the reader wonder, where did she really go? Perfect.
There were only a couple things I might change.
I know it says "The first time I spoke to her", but to me it seems a bit confusing because she talked to him at the bus stop. It might just be me and the way I connect ideas, but I would change this line a bit to make it more clear.
That's it! This was really, really great. I like your style. Good job and keep writing!
sorry about that. I kept changing that part over and over. I'll fix it.
Your hooker deserves an A++! It's so mysterious!
Now to brass tacks: The premise is intriguing, but it needs a little more oomf to really stand out. Describe what Thorn looks like, or provide some theories that Jack has formed about her (if you mean to keep her nature more surprising, that is) Some details on the scenery might make it more dramatic too.
Keep up the good work! This has tons of potential!
This was really interesting, I liked how you made her mysterious especially in the end. But the chapter was cut off so abruptly, but like therealme said it was probably to get the readers would want to read the next chapter. It definitely work on me! The only problem was the lack of detail, but I really liked it and got pulled in quickly.
This is pretty good I must say
The beginning is excellent and I was pulled in the moment I read:
I was dying to know where she was really going!
The only thing I found kind of odd was the way you finished the chapter. Normally chapters are a lot longer than what you have written and the way you left it felt quite sudden and cut off, like it needed more. I understand that you are most likely wanting to leave the chapter unanswered so that people will want to read the next chapter, but I still think you should make the chapter longer.
This is just an idea, but what if you made the beginning part (from 'The first time I met Thorne...' to '... She wasn't going to the library.') a prologue, and then the bit that follows after that chapter 1 (but make it longer)?
Overall your spelling, punctuation and word choice is very well done and the whole thing was very smoothe to read
Keep up the great writing and possibly make the chapter longer! It's really up to you.