Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The breeze blows through the window, brushing her hair. Eyelids fluttering she awakens. She rolls over moaning as if in pain. Another day she thinks as She Kicks the thin blankets off her skinny body. She gets up and walks over to the window and leans on the windowsill, staring out to the world before her. She dresses in faded jeans and a big sweatshirt that is worn with holes by the elbows. She pulls on some converse and heads towards the front door. Running down the stairs she thinks silently of literally nothing. She hops on a rusting bike and sets off for the big city. There its almost deserted only the kind of people who are lost in a state of loneliness and confusion. Entering the heart of the city she hops off her bike. She joins others sitting on the grand stairs once leading up to a bank. Beth looms up to the flawless sky and thinks why? What's the point?

Honestly, I don't think this was long enough. There are some grammar mistakes that you should fix, but I'm not going to repeat what you've already heard. Most of all I just don't think it makes sense. I don't see how this is a whole chapter if it's just describing what she did.

I guess the writing is okay (sorry to be harsh). I can't honestly say what the plot or storyline is because it doesn't tell us anything. Honestly, I don't see why you posted a single paragraph. You should try making the first sentence a little more interesting.

Sorry I was a little mean.

~Ivy

Howdy!

I'm going to review your work!

From looking at it I notice two things:
1) It is very short, if all your 'chapters' are this short then perhaps it should be a short story? Maybe you should bulk it out a little.
2) There is no structure to it. Currently it is just a paragraph. If this is all you're going to keep in your chapter then you need to separate it out.

Another day she thinks as She Kicks the thin blankets off her skinny body.

She pulls on some converse and heads towards the front door.

There its almost deserted only the kind of people who are lost in a state of loneliness and confusion.

Beth looms up to the flawless sky and thinks why? What's the point?

Here to review!

My name is Omniyus. I will be reviewing this work today.

This is pretty short, so I will be putting it all in quotes and my notes and comments will be in red.

The breeze blows through the window, brushing her hair. Eyelids fluttering#FF0000 ">, she awakens. She rolls over moaning as if in pain. Another day#FF0000 ">, she thinks as She Kicks#FF0000 ">I don't understand why this is capitalized the thin blankets off her skinny body. She gets up and walks over to the window and leans on the windowsill, staring out to the world before her. She dresses in faded jeans and a big sweatshirt that is worn with holes by the elbows. She pulls on some converse and heads towards the front door. Running down the stairs she thinks silently of literally nothing#FF0000 ">Just kind of being nit-picky, you can never not think of anything. If you are, then you are dead, and I don't think she is dead.. She hops on a rusting bike and sets off for the big city. There it#FF0000 ">'s almost deserted only the kind#FF0000 ">I think you meant "the only kind of people who#FF0000 ">live here? something along those lines are lost in a state of loneliness and confusion. Entering the heart of the city she hops off her bike. She joins others sitting on the grand stairs once leading up to a bank. Beth looms up to the flawless sky and thinks why? What's the point?#FF0000 ">This is the worst cliffhanger I have ever read, and not in a bad way. Why what? What is the point? I am asking the same thing as the MC.

If this is the whole first chapter then I don't think it's enough. There is not enough here to draw us in. You have just described a few mundane events and have not included any details to spark our interest. Consider making it longer, don't be so brief when talking about things like the journey to the city. Consider how far from the city she is, what the differences between her home environment and the city are, does she feel comfortable there or not? You need to add in some extra details to engage the reader with both the plot and the setting.
Good luck.
Pollarbear

This is the first draft so not the best but I can accept criticism it helps me become a better writer! Part