Note: Just an excerpt of something that is in the tentative stages but I just want to know what you guys think. Does it have potential?
I went back and fixed many of the grammatical errors but those aren't important to me so don't waste your time looking for any.
Focus on characterization, what you do think, as a first impression of course because it's impossible to know everything about this in this tiny excerpt....
Thanks a bunch!
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My toes touched the cool surface and I felt a tingle jolt through my body, followed by an irreplaceable calmness. I took a step into the sea and got on my knees and just felt the water seep through the clothing and linger on my skin.
The yearning was stronger tonight, the need to be back home, the need to touch her porcelain skin and hold her in my arms. The initial calmness was replaced by anger, uncontrollable anger at myself for getting exiled. I was deeply regretful for breaking the sacred trust and as a consequence of my irrational move, I was stuck in this hideous body and alien world forever. I knew if I tried to go back I would be killed, though that seemed better than living at the moment.
What was I living for anyway? The questioned echoed through my mind as I contemplated diving into the furious waters.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I twisted around only to feel the muscles in my neck ache to comply. I struggled to my feet, though I wanted to stay in the water longer.
"Adrian," her voice was soothing and dripping with concern. My mind was racing to find an appropriate explanation as to why I was sprawled on the beach, near the water, in the middle of night.
"A-are you ok?" I noticed that her voice was shaking and I felt an unsurpassable urge to pull her into my embrace and it took a considerable amount of my will power to win over my absurd desire. She was the only real friend I had made and she stayed by me through thick and thin--even when she could've easily abandoned me, she stayed.
"Fine," I mumbled, silently cursing at myself for ending up in this situation.
"You can tell me if anything is bothering you," she suggested and I knew her mind was throbbing to uncover the truth but sadly, I couldn’t give her answers that wouldn’t probe more questions. Intimate conversations were foreign to both us, our friendship was too young for that.
"I know," I replied warmly and gave her a smile. She still seemed unsure but decided not to push further. This was exactly what I adored about this human, she wasn't nosy and though it bothered her that I wasn't being honest, she didn't torment for any adequate explanation.
"Wow," she gasped, pointing to my skin. I pulled my sleeves down before she could take a closer look. My skin was glistening in the moonlight and the cracks apparent during the day had disappeared. "The cracks are gone," I had realized even my body was craving to return home.
"The lotion you gave me worked wonders," She smiled, her wild auburn hair blowing wildly in the wind, and turned to leave. She took a few steps and looked over her shoulder; I stood my ground.
At that moment, the dismay I had been feeling minutes ago was masked by her warm smile--and the urge to go home was silenced, for now.
"Deb," I said softly. Green eyes met brown and I smiled. Her eyes questioned my odd gesture but the corners of mouth lifted. I pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and let my hand linger on her rosy cheeks. I felt the blood rush to her face and she flushed crimson. It was called blushing, I remembered her telling me once, and I found it completely alluring.
"Thank you," I whispered. She was confused but didn't press for answers. Neither of us said a word but the waves crashing in the background spoke volumes. I leaned closer and could hear her heart pacing violently. I lingered for a moment.
"Race you back to the car!" I challenged and broke out into a run. It took her a full ten seconds to realize what had happened and she bolted behind me.
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I realized that there isn't much to work with, especially pertaining to Deborah but....any general comments???? 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
hello tn,
Thanks for the review, I will fix the grammatical errors. I'm planning on editing this later (again) but thanks for the input.
*starry
Aed, you stole my crit.
Anyways, another way to fix the 'runny-on' one is like:
I took a step into the sea, got on my knees, feeling the water seep through the clothing as it lingered on my skin.
Or anything like that.
My skin was glistening in the moonlight and the cracks apparent during he had disappeared.
I don't think that is supposed to be he.
Other then that it was good. I don't really have anythign else to say thanks to Aed. But it twas good.
TNC
hey Aedomir,
Thank you so much for the wonderful review! Eek, I thought I had caught most of those tiny grammatical errors..
anyway, your insight was extremely helpful. I went back and read through the excerpt and realized that Deb is more of a puppet and I thought mention how he moves/behaves through Adrian's eyes. Thanks again and I'm glad you like it!
*starry.
Hey! Why has no one reviewed this yet?
There are a lot of ‘ands’ in this sentence, perhaps a bit ‘runny-on’. Reword this, for example, ‘I took a step into the sea and got onto my knees, just letting the water seep into my clothes and linger upon my skin’. A little different, but can you see the effect here?
I love this sentence; it has a great feel about it. But I think a slight change in punctuation – semicolons instead of commas?
‘My’ may work better, as it is from his POV and we need to emphasise his position, and make it more personal.
I will stop the grammar here, as I see you wanted more detail on characters, and grammar is easy to pick out if just read through.
Characters
Alright, I loved the ending. I absolutely adored the imagery you had going on, and there was a lot of emphasis on the important parts – the characters. What I liked most about the ending is that it shows us our character. It looks like he is glad – almost – to be serious but will never let it get in the way of his relationship.
What I liked is that because of this, you made it personal. You showed us, you didn’t tell. Again, the way you didn’t focus onto the scene until after the introduction was a great way of expressing the emotions.
Of course, you don’t just want praise – you want advice! I will do what I can:
Remember to focus on how one character reacts to the other. You are in Adrian’s POV, so you should get him to look at her actions, since we don’t know what she is thinking. As a close relation, Adrian should know about Deborah.
Best of luck,
-Mark