z

Young Writers Society


12+

Marked Chapter II- Ember

by starryknightt


Chapter II- Ember

Ember could be quiet when she wanted to be, although most of the townsfolk would probably disagree. If only they could see her now, as she slid out of bed, carefully shifting off the mattress so the springs wouldn’t squeak. Her bare feet touched the wooden floorboards lightly, with all the pressure of a summer breeze.

The candle on her nightstand burned low, constant, nearly a puddle of molten wax by now. She stood, stretching, sending the last of sleep’s fog back into oblivion. Her movements sent the faint shadows tumbling, doing acrobatics across the paintings strewn all over her room.

She let out a slow, quiet breath. Papa had lost his sight years ago. There was no need to worry about the light or the shadows.

However, Papa had the ears of a rabbit, and any little sound could be the crumbling of all of Ember’s meticulous plans.

She wouldn’t- couldn’t fail before she had begun.

So, with no other choice, Ember was quiet.

She fastened a belt around her waist, careful not to stir the contents in its pouches. Powders that could turn to paint with a splash of water, paint brushes with intricately carved handles, Papa’s Fate talisman- all things she couldn’t live without.

Ember slid her feet into her favorite boots. They were as dark as night and smooth, soundless in their approach. They’d never failed her before, in all the escapades she’d done over the years. Unfortunately, enough late-night parties and so-called “pointless” art displays in the town square had left them looking a little worn.

She draped a cloak over her shoulders, drawing its hood over her brow.

Ever so slowly, she walked into the hall.

Papa’s room was wide-open, just a few feet away. She paused, taking in his peaceful form. Stress plagued him daily and it was only in still moments like these that Ember could see him so care-free. Her heart shrank down into itself, as she realized that now, in this rare moment of peace, he should have every reason to be anxious and afraid. More so than possibly ever before.

It would come crashing down on him in the morning, she just knew it.

And it would be all her fault.

The thought of Papa all alone, blind, and terrified the next day was nearly enough to send her back into her room. He didn’t deserve this.

No, no. That was where she was wrong. He wouldn’t be alone. She’d set up a network of acquaintances to check in on him daily. Enough money and the people in this town would do anything.

Papa will be okay.

Steeling herself, Ember slipped down the hall and into the kitchen. She opened a cupboard and grabbed the concealed dagger Papa kept there for emergencies. A moment later and it was tucked into her belt.

Hidden in the next cupboard was a leather satchel, which she slung over her shoulder. It contained a measly day’s worth of provisions and three paintings’ worth of gold. Hopefully enough to aid her journey to Galia, the heart and crown of the country.

She had visited Galia before, and it truly was the land of the royals. Even living two days away from its walls, rumors about the city’s dazzling elegance were exceptionally common. As a child, she’d been delighted to learn that it lived up to every single one. Her childhood fantasies filtered through her thoughts now- of exuberant feasts, towering marble spires, and golden crystal chandeliers…

Ember’s heart pounded in her chest, and she fastened her cloak in place.

A little girl’s optimistic dreams had never been farther from the truth.

While the golden outsides of the royal palace- the Magnum Imperium, as it was named- glowed with prosperity, the inside and its occupants were far darker.

Ember should know better than anyone.

After all, she had seen the darkness that the royals were capable of herself.

Ember closed her eyes as phantoms of the past welled up in her mind. She could still hear the pleading, the suffering… A small tear fell down her cheek. She opened her eyes, wiping her face, and let out a breath.

She would not fail.

When she left the house and entered the shroud of night, she refused to look back.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 346
Reviews: 8

Donate
Tue Apr 09, 2019 3:15 pm
notmaria wrote a review...



Ooh, I already love Ember. I can't wait to figure out more about Ember and the 'darkness' that the royals are capable of.

There's this part near the beginning that I especially love,

'She wouldn’t- couldn’t fail before she had begun.
So, with no other choice, Ember was quiet.'

Like I said in my review of chapter one, I love long explanations that are split up by short, concise, and direct single-sentence lines. Besides that factor, I love this part because it's actually not written the way I would have written it.
I probably would've said 'She couldn't- wouldn't fail before she had begun.' This change, while subtle, completely shifts the meaning of the chapter up until that point. The wording signals that all of her preparation is due to desperation, rather than determination. It gives Ember a lot more vulnerability and depth. It's probably not even a big deal, but I always analyze things like this way more than needed.
Anyways, I would love to give you something to work on, but I have no criticism here. I'm a little sad that the chapter was so short, but I think you ended it at the right place, and filling it with more description or something like that would have made it drag, so just keep doing what you're doing!
I'm super excited to read the next chapter, whenever I get around to it.
Also, just a small question that'll probably be answered later; Does everyone in this 'world' have a Mark? Or just certain people? Just curious...






Thank you for your kind words! They mean so much. Also, to answer your question: everyone is born with a Mark.



User avatar
17 Reviews


Points: 1887
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2019 10:57 pm
Flyingsquirrel42 wrote a review...



This is just as good as the previous chapter of Marked. Great job on gradually introducing information! I'm always impressed when writers manage to do that without using an info-dump.

I would change "Her bare feet touched the wooden floorboards lightly, with all the pressure of a summer breeze" to "Her bare feet touched the wooden floorboards with all the pressure of a summer breeze" - this is clearer and removes a redundant adverb. "With all the pressure of a summer breeze" is descriptive enough without the word "lightly" (and a beautiful phrase, I might add).

"Even living two days away from its walls" should be changed to "Even living a two days' ride away from its walls" or something similar for clarification; also, two days isn't that far, so I wouldn't be surprised if there were rumors.

I don't know if this is a result of copy-pasting, but I believe the line "Papa will be okay" is an inner thought and should therefore be capitalized.

Keep sharing your work! I really enjoy reading it.




User avatar
98 Reviews


Points: 4255
Reviews: 98

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2019 8:56 pm
trashykawa wrote a review...



Hi, starryknight! I'm here to give you a short review on your chapter.

Lets start with the improvable aspects:

Papa will be okay.


Since your story is set in the past tense, the sentence is more correctly written as "Papa would be okay." What you wrote would have correct if you were talking about the future in the present; but if you want to wrote about the future in past tense, you need to use 'would' (did i make sense??)

Even living two days away from its walls,


I feel that this line breaks off the flow of the story; you could use a simpler to understand tongue like: "Even though she lived a two days' ride away from its walls," Also, this part confuses me a little. Rumors are rumors, right? They travel everywhere, regardless of distance or time. So the fact there were rumors even a two-days ride away from their walls (which, if you come to think of it isn't really a huge distance, considering that we're on the medieval time period and that the only means of transport is wagon or horse.

A tiny, tiny, annoying nitpick:
She could still hear the pleading, the suffering… A small tear fell down her cheek.

you see where i'm pointing?
Spoiler! :
yeah, i'm telling you to lowercase the 'A.'


However, all the above are just personal opinions; feel free to ignore any and all of what i wrote! Your writing's great; grammar, punctuation, nearly perfect. Your beginning was interesting; you pulled me right in.
Do keep writing, I'll be waiting to read more :)




User avatar
140 Reviews


Points: 249
Reviews: 140

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:35 am
Anma wrote a review...



Hello Star!

This is a really touching story,
It really did a impact on me.

This is a great way to start a book.
Even if its not the very beginning it still works the same.

The spacing is good, the sentences make sense.

Buuuuttttt there is a few grammar, punctuation errors.
There small ones though so no need to really worry.

Either than that this is really good.

I hope to read the next chapter.

Keep up the good work!

Happy review day!

Sincerely Anma





I understand what you're saying, and your comments are valuable, but I'm gonna ignore your advice.
— Roald Dahl