Hey starryknightt! I'll be swinging by for a review today!
Hefting a crate of beer bottles, I pushed the bar door open with my hip and slid inside.
As far as first lines go, this one really doesn't catch my attention? There's not much of hook to draw your readers in yet.
When you're starting out a story, you want to have something that immediately pulls your reader in. You want them to read your work! Find that sentence that's going to rope them in, that intrigues them. It's hard to find the right sentence, trust me, I know. But think of it, at the very least, as one sentence that's interesting. Especially if that sentence forces a question for the reader- then they have to keep reading to find the answer!
Right now, this is just the description of an everyday occurrence. Another angle could be to pretend you're a reader. Ask yourself why should I care about this character/setting? and if you don't have an answer, find a way to change it until you do!
I'd even gotten as far as disrespecting the owner
This sentence bugs me chiefly, I think, because it's vague. It's also only loosely connected to the last sentence (in my opinion), because quitting a job is not synonymous with being rude to your boss. Back to being vague about it though, what did she do? Did she make a snarky comment? Did she leave a mess she was meant to clean up? Did she undermine his authority? It's easier to gloss over these things, but it's also lazier. It gives more character insight if you explain what she did to disrespect him.
I'm going to bring up the hook once more, as it's not only present in your first line. It's also your first chapter. Usually, when you start in the middle of action, or set off the inciting incident right away, it's intriguing. The readers want to know more!
What you have right now is information that can easily be sprinkled in later, once we've gotten a chance to get into the meat of the story and who your MC is.
My sneakers squeaked past drunken men
Since her sneakers are not autonomous, don't describe it as if they are. She's the one moving, not her sneakers. Something like "My sneakers squeaked against the floor as I brushed past drunken men", then it's describing the noise while still maintaining control with Bella.
I LOVE your description of Swain, and how much you're leaning into Bella's feelings on him in relation to his appearance. It's makes me squirmy and uncomfortable, and it's great.
All of the other barmaids wore crop tops and booty short, complete with caked-on makeup and suggestive smirks at the men on the barstools
Okay I am starting to wonder if this is an actual bar. You haven't mentioned any women that don't work in the bar yet, which seems? Odd to me? Although, in your defense, I would also be hyperaware of all the men as well, especially in a situation like the one she's in.
I know that Swain and Bella are like, passive aggressive to each other, but I have to wonder... why? Bella's the one who "stepped out of line" (I say that in quotation marks because I am 100% on her side of this, to make that clear), so why is Swain also being so fake-nice to her?
Follow-up: if he's unhappy because she's wearing more modest clothes/what she feels comfortable in, why would he "compliment" her in the first place? Like, he compliments her, she says thanks, he gets all scowl-y, but like... why? All the information you've given about them contradicts this interaction.
It took every ounce of my willpower not to retrieve my concealed-carry and blow his face off.
whoa that,,,, escalated quickly. she carries a gun?? her dad allows her to carry a gun??
While this isn't necessarily a "must-change" or anything, I have to wonderwhy literally everyone that has been introduced, besides Bella, is so horny? Like, it's all been leering men or women who are trying to give the Optimum Bust View, which, okay, maybe it's something in the air, but it seems odd that everyone seems to be of the exact same objective (to get laid??). I don't know, that sticks out to me a little more than it should.
I left the bar smelling nasty and feeling dirty.
There's very few situations where "feeling" should be used. I'm sure you've heard the phrase telling vs. showing, as it's something you do want to keep in the back of your mind.
When you describe a character as "feeling" something, it's telling (can't tell you how many times I've been caught doing this haha). Instead, describe how their feeling is. "I left the bar with the thick stench of alcohol lingering on my clothes, unmentionable grime clinging to my skin and hair." <-- See how much more visceral that is? It gives the reader much better insight into how she's feeling, rather than just telling them how she feels dirty.
I also have to wonder how old Bella is? Cause, uh, child labour laws are A Thing.
I pulled my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie.
While there's technically nothing wrong with this sentence, I had to read it a second time to realise what you meant. I think it would work better if you switched it around ("I pulled the sleeves of my hoodie over my hands").
I remembered Olivia.
I remembered the uniformed men from fives years ago, with gas masks and strange words.
Yes!! Here's what I was looking for!! This caught my attention. Now I'm wondering who these men are, who Olivia is. This is the kind of hook you want to start out with.
Essentially, is there a reason that you started out at the bar? Besides showing how terrible her life seems to be right now(?), I can't find any purpose to it? But maybe I just don't know enough either. Still, ask yourself why you started where you did, and if that was the right place to do so.
The gas masks had been made to help us forget, but it hadn't worked on me.
But ever since Olivia left,
Did Olivia leave though, or was she taken?
I neared a Jeep Wrangler, and the headlights flicked on, the engine roaring to life. Its vibrant red paint began to sparkle in the newfound brightness,
This doesn't really work if it's the headlights that turned on. The headlights are shining on the car, they're shining ahead of it, so it wouldn't light up the car.
the mere mention of the bar giving me a surge of anxiety.
Instead of "surge of anxiety" (because it tells us what's she feeling), what about "the mere mention of the bar turning my stomach"? Everyone experiences anxiety/discomfort in different way, so saying "oop I was anxious" isn't really... that descriptive?
Why did Bianca ask about Swain? She asks and then doesn't really say anything about it? It just feels forced, like you needed them to have more of a conversation but didn't really know what they should talk about.
So Olivia DID leave. I'm super curious about that now.
I blinked, barely realizing I'd been zoned-out this whole time.
What "whole time"? Also, why is this what she thinks about when she zones out? It's a bit info-dumpy. I definitely do not contemplate the aspects of my life when I zone out.
The silence kept dragging.
But she,,, just talked,,,,
her shoulder making her long, gold-chain earrings brush together.
I'm sure you meant there's multiple dangling bits on her earrings but you wrote it like the pair of earring brushed together, which is anatomically impossible unless they're absolutely massive earrings (in which case I don't think one would be able to hold them on your ears??).
"I'm only sixteen, Bee."
Okay so, yeah. Child labour laws are a thing. Are you telling me not a SINGLE patron of the bar thought about calling CPS or the cops about it?? Not one person thought it's strange that she's working there???
She was clearly bothered about my opinions on romance,
YOU'RE SEVENTEEN BIANCA how many relationships you have in your teen years PAN OUT ANYWAY. guess what comes later in life? emotional maturity my dude.
thank you, Bella, for being more sensible about it (sorta not really but a little).
I veered as far away from that subject as possible.
You don't need this line in here. She's changing the subject, we can see that. This line is redundant.
My throat felt dry
Don't pad this with "felt". Again, it's telling. "My throat grew dry" or "My throat was dry" is the same thing but without telling.
If I could travel for a little while, away from home, what would inspire me to come back? Nothing. I wouldn't come back.
Wait, this is the first time this has occurred to her? Like, running away Isn't Good but neither is living with an abusive father and a sucky job so like,,, why didn't she think of this before?
I'd never considered it with such open arms before.
But she has considered it, so... why did you write the part where she has this sudden epiphany about it?
I said, with such conviction that I scared me.
You already said she was terrified. Either describe how she's feeling scared, or don't repeat it.
The whole plotline with Bella's sister and the men in gas masks is really intriguing to me. I think it would work better if you introduced that dynamic earlier, but you did a good job with establishing what the inciting incident was in the first chapter (Bella decides to run away and leave for New Mexico). And I love that Bella is an active character as well (making that decision like that).
I'm kind of questioning Bella and Bianca's friendship? You said they were best friends, but that Parker seems closer to her exclusively because he's her boyfriend, which leads me to think that the "best friends" is one-sided, and they were only called that because Bella is an unreliable narrator, and that they aren't actually that close to each other. There's isn't a natural connection between them, Bella is uncomfortable when they're not talking to each other, Bianca closes up when she disagrees with Bella's opinion, and she won't open up/be vulnerable towards Bella but she will to Parker.
Anyway, that's all I have for you today! If you have any comments or questions, please let me know! I'd be happy to talk
I hope you have an amazing day, and Happy RevMo!
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