Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the way it
reflects off the sea, or illuminates the snow. Don’t tell me the sun is
glistening; take me outside and let me feel the warmth on my skin. Don’t tell
me it is storming; let me feel the drops of rain. Show me the white hot cracks
of lightening; let me hear the roar of thunder. Don’t tell me you love me, show
me. Shower me with affection and hold me tight. Be there for me when I am no
longer strong enough to carry on. Comfort me when I cry, then make me laugh
only the way you can. Defend me when I am innocent. Stand up for us when our
relationship is questioned. Give me space, but keep me close. Think of me when
I am gone, and tell me you missed me when I return. Stay by my side through
thick and thin. Show me that you love me the same way I show you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Well damn. What an awesome piece of poetry. I envy your talent!
This is a fabulous poem though, I love your wording in certain places!
"Show me the white hot cracks of lightening" That is an awesomely awesome line though. It's so great, I love your descriptions in this, your ideas are great too!
Perhaps break it up a bit more, like, put spaces between each line, just to give it an easier read for some people!
Overall, great writing, keep it up!
-CFG
I like the ideas you presented, however it is a little generic in description. "reflects off the sea", "illuminates the snow". Reflects and illuminates could both be switched while still retaining the meaning. Try to make your descriptions more unique to each element, or at least a little more original. Sparkles, glitters, catches, fetches.
Here, however, you show true originality: "white hot cracks of lightening". It made me think about lightning. You could have said flashes, but you said cracks, and you used "white hot". I love that. Then, you follow it up with "roar of thunder", which dilutes the effect of the previous phrase. There are other cliches as well, however it is fairly simple to overcome this with more practise, and by thinking through how else you could describe something. This has the potential to be a very powerful piece.
Hey star! I'll just plunge straight into the review then, shall I?
Ok, so the first thing I have to say is this: is this meant to be prose poetry? Because if it is then its perfectly fine. But if it's not then I'd have to say that you had a major formatting problem, but that's ok since I can see that you're new hereabouts. I had a hard time figuring out the formatting thingamajigs too. You can press shift+enter if you want a not-so-drastic line break, or just enter if you want your work to leap across the page. It all depends on your style, of course.
I like how you've written the poem. The first few lines, in particular seem to speak. You don't just want anything, you want something more pure and true. But the lines that follow seem kind of cliche, so I suggest you look through them. The way you use your senses ( sight, touch, etc) in the poem is cool.
There's something you could improve on here:
"let me feel the drops of rain."
I feel you'd convey yourself more effectively if you added "on my skin" after this. Or maybe that's just me.
Then there's the ending. I don't know, but it feels kinda... flat. It's like you didn't know how to end the poem and just finished it off, eager for it to end. Replace that last line with something more meaningful. Like: "Show me that your love is no candle, and you'll never leave me in the dark." But it depends on you! I was just making a suggestion.
Anyway, I hope this helped. Keep writing!
~Pompadour
Hello there! I've heard you read this, so I think it helped me to read this, knowing where you were coming from. The work was really thought out and you could tell that you had thought a lot about this and you put a lot of effort into getting just the right emotions thought to you your readers. However, I don't think that it was spaced out correctly for a poem. Normally with a poem you have stanzas and such, but all you have is one paragraph. That's not to say that your writing was bad, it's just that it was a bit distracting reading it. I hope that you learn to love this website as much as I have!