Published December 23, 2012
"Oh I'd met her at a couple of parties. Rich brat who thought she owned the world." He rolled his eyes. "But damn, she was a fine piece of ass", he added with a wink.
It was the beeping of his phone, demanding his immediate attention, which spared him from the cold look that flashed in her steely grey eyes. If looks could kill...
He turned his attention back to the demure brunette occupying the chair across him. She was attractive, undoubtedly, but not much of a talker. "Right so where were we? ...Aah, Lauren. Sad story that - multimillionaire goes broke overnight. Tsk tsk."
Turned out to the streets by her own brother, she thought bitterly.
Quite a dull evening, he thought, watching her toying around with her salad. The hint of fire that had crept into her eyes at the mention of Lauren Tanner had died out. Clearly no amount of stimulating conversation could be expected from the meek creature. Maybe she'd be a little more spirited once in the seclusion of his room.
The meal dragged on punctuated with half - hearted attempts at making small talk. He was glad when Jenkins handed him the cheque with a sympathetic smile. Even the waiter had noticed that their favourite customer's date hadn't been among his best.
"Would you like to join me for a drink at my place?" He asked, putting on his most charming smile, as they made their way to his Bugatti.
She shrugged. Why bother asking? Not like she had a choice.
Lauren had been anything but easy-to-get. Men were drawn to the dazzling blond beauty like moths to a flame, but her frigid countenance kept them at bay. A young American pilot with a captivating boyish charm was the only one who had ever managed to make it past the impregnable walls she had built around herself.
The ride to his flat was as monotonous as the evening had been. She seemed oddly detached, he noted, glancing at the pretty face staring out the window listlessly. It'll be a quick one, he thought, mentally advising himself to be more selective next time.
Couple of minutes later they drew up outside the flat he'd purchased especially for his nightly escapades. A father of two, the gorgeous apartment he owned on Wilshire Boulevard was definitely out of the question.
"Make yourself at home", he said, smiling, once they were in his living room. She kicked off her cheap stilletos and sat gingerly on his couch, her feet sinking into the lush carpet.
She had had everything planned out, even the interiors of their new home - "...carpets from Egypt, paintings from Italy - " he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close. "Jason!" She mock-pouted at the interruption to her tirade. He laughed, "it doesn't matter, we'll have whatever you want! ...all I want is you." And then they'd made love. Sweet and tender, Jason Moore was the only man she trusted enough to shed her ice-princess avatar around. He made her feel alive, like a carefree young girl. He loved her blindly, she knew. He'd never hurt her, she was sure of it. Her eyes stung as memories of happier days filled her mind. But one never knows the worth of water till the well runs dry, she sighed.
"Martini?" He held out a glass to her.
"No thank you." She blinked her tears away hurriedly. "I'd like to be done with this as soon as possible, please", she added calmly.
"Of course", he said, throwing her empty face a puzzled look. Setting down the drink on a nearby table, he guided her to his room, his hand caressing her back.
As he excused himself and disappeared into the bathroom, her eyes wandered around the room. Her eyes alighted on the king-sized bed draped with velvet covers. She shuddered and looked away.
What had she become?
Very little remained of her former self, she thought, as her gaze caught a guilded mirror. Dispassionate grey eyes stared back at her, her gaudy evening gown outlining her lean figure. The hunger for success which had burnt bright in her eyes, lending her the strange magnetism which made heads turn the second she walked into a room, had vanished leaving no trace. She was still pretty though, something she had learned to wield to her advantage over the past year. She was ashamed of her current lifestyle. The thought of putting an end to her life had crossed her mind several times but a desire to hold on took over each time she had tried to do so. Her stubborn refusal to give up had been the only remaining vestige of the old Lauren Tanner, but this too was fading fast. The woman in the mirror had no one to mourn her death, no reason to live - she realised, the thought crushing her.
The bathroom door clicked open, and her client emerged, his shirt unbuttoned. "Ready?" He asked with a perverse smile.
Maybe this will be the last time, she thought to herself, as she shut out her feelings and began unzipping her dress.
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello there:)
I'll start out with the overall impression and kind of work down to the tid-bits of things
I found this piece captivating; I wanted to learn more about this Lauren Tanner the instant Mr.Jason Moore replied his first lines. However, I felt that, at the very beginning, someone else was asking those questions (a detective, officer, etc), not that he was on a date with the woman. As a reader, I got confused when I read that and then she was on a date with him, why would she ask about herself like that? You might try making the motives behind the action clearer. All of this made me more curious and kept me reading to see if this Lauren Tanner figure would pop up somewhere. Sure enough, she did, but only ever so slightly. It wasn't until the very end of piece where I did understand that it in fact was Lauren Tanner. It was all a bit odd, but still well constructed. The point here was that you left a little too much room for question.
The nit picks
"Oh(,) I'd met her at a couple of parties. Rich brat who thought she owned the world(,)" He rolled his eyes. "But damn, she was a fine piece of ass(.)" (H)e added with a wink.
--Grammar errors here. Very minor, very fixable
"Make yourself at home", he said, smiling, once they were in his living room. She kicked off her cheap stilletos and sat gingerly on his couch, her feet sinking into the lush carpet.
She had had everything planned out, even the interiors of their new home - "...carpets from Egypt, paintings from Italy - " he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her close. "Jason!" She mock-pouted at the interruption to her tirade. He laughed, "it doesn't matter, we'll have whatever you want! ...all I want is you." And then they'd made love. Sweet and tender, Jason Moore was the only man she trusted enough to shed her ice-princess avatar around. He made her feel alive, like a carefree young girl. He loved her blindly, she knew. He'd never hurt her, she was sure of it. Her eyes stung as memories of happier days filled her mind. But one never knows the worth of water till the well runs dry, she sighed.
--Here, between these two paragraphs, I'm assuming it's a flashback. The thing about flashbacks is that they can be a writers best friend or worst enemy. Be sure it is clear to your audience that the flashback is happening so they can think "Oh thats right, back to the flashback... ok now to the present, etc". That also didn't happen in other places, so it was a sort of jostled read.
About that second paragraph above; is it a former love shes thinking about? Is the guy an ex? how did they break up? Did he die? The few key points here that, if you add them to the flashback, it will make it golden, and the reader will have a very well-defined back-story. Helping the reader understand in these spots are the key.
A few more things and I'll be out of your hair
She seemed oddly detached, he noted, glancing at the pretty face staring out the window listlessly...
--Fabulous line. It's wonderful because you're showing interaction between the two after the date and before the "other things". It gave the reader a better perspective of the kind of man Jason Moore really is. Now add a few more pinches of these in about Lauren Tanner, and you're golden.
Reminder, some of these are personal opinion, and I'm only here to help. If you have any questions at all, message me. Fantastic job.
Happy Holidays
Keep writing,
Ash
Hey, Ash!
Well first off - thank you for the review.
Okay..um, the guy in the story isn't Jason Moore. Jason's the ex she broke up with. 'lots of people seem to be confused about that, so I guess I'll have to clear that up.
I guess the detective/officer tone crept in because she becomes wary when he mentions Lauren Tanner. The idea was, her name came up in the conversation, and she jumps on it because well, she is Lauren herself. She asks him about herself because she doesn't remember him, he's one of the random people she met at a party or something.
Yes, it's a former love. I didn't think it was necessary to go into the details..like maybe leave it to the imagination of the reader.
Thank you!
Starlit
Actually, I found your story quite inquisitive, but what I would say is, the story only gives our the girl's emotions and moods. Not that its really wrong, but what I mean is that there's no story-line. Your story didn't give any specific message which sort of disturbed me. But I liked it. It keeps you moving on to the story so, I would never say this was boring. A lot of questions keeps twirling in my mind about the girl, but let's not come to that. Being new, I think you've done a lot of good work! Sure there were punctuation errors but those were sincerely corrected by other reviewers.
Overall: You have incredible talent. What I liked most is how you describe each circumstance. That was great.
Keep Writing! ~
ChocoCookie
Hi
Maybe leaving so much in the dark wasn't a good idea...*sigh*
Haha, okay - I'll try nd put in a message next time.
The questions..well everyone has them.
Thank you.
I found this to be very well-written and captivating, which is something that I rarely say about writing that I find on this site.
You did a very good job of painting a picture of what has happened recently in this girl's life. However, where do you plan to go with this? If you intend to make this into a novel, or even novella, then you have spewed out too much information at once, in my opinion. It's only the first couple pages and we basically know the entire situation. However, if this will eventually only be a short story (my favorite and possibly the most under-respected form of writing on this site) then you have unfolded the plot very well.
I'm assuming you're British (or at least not American) because of several small syntactical things. If you are actually American, then you ought to make sure your punctuation is always on the inside of your quotation marks. Disregard this if you are in fact British, Australian, etc. I'm not sure how the grammar works over there.
Lauren's character also seemed somewhat stuck up or arrogant in general, at least to me. She sort of bugged me, especially when she describes her own looks. This isn't an issue if you intended for her to be a somewhat arrogant person. If not, you might want to watch lines like "dazzling blond beauty," etc.
The narration is a little strange. Generally 3rd person stories either only allow glimpses inside the head of one character or they only give a very vague image of the character's mental model. The characters are developed through action, not thoughts. In this selection, however, we are given a very personal perspective into both of the character's minds. This makes the point of view slightly confusing, but you pull it off relatively well.
Nice work. PM if you have any questions, complaints, etc.
Lena
Haha, you're the first one to say I've spewed out too much information. Everyone thinks there's barely any! No, it's just a short story though.
Thanks!
Yeah, sorry about the punctuation. I didn't know it should be inside the quotation marks.
Oh, she is stuck up. I'm glad that was conveyed!
I tend to write that way, focusing more on the thoughts than actions.
Thanks, Lena!
Just a comment, but this was fantastic to read. I was hooked at the beginning and it was terribly interesting. The last two paragraphs were a most delightful finishing punch! Keep it up!
Thank you.
This was great! I love, love, love how you introduced this woman and who she was through back flashes and her life style now. The beginning is great because it immediantely explains what others think about her, but yet also tells the reader that there is more to meet the eye.
"Right so where were we? ...Aah, Lauren. Sad story that - multimillionaire goes broke overnight. Tsk tsk."
Interesting line. Why did she go broke? I realize the reason you wrote that is to explain about her new current lifestyle, but it still would be interesting, if you write more, to go into detail on her life before poverty hit.
The part that I think enjoyed the most was when she goes back in time to when she felt love for Jason Moore and the safety he brought with him. But what happened? Why was he gone now?
The description paragraph towards the end is also marvelous. You really have great vocabulary! Basically the paragraph left me with a burning curiosity. What happened to this girl? Why did she no longer see herself as beautiful?
I don't know if you intend on keeping this as a short story or not, but really there is so much to work with that you could make a nice little novel if you really wanted to dig into the woman's past and how it all got taken away. Anyways, sorry I rambled a lot. Very interesting and nicely written!
Haha, thank you!
I'm not really a novel person, short stories are more my type. And I have this vague idea of what happened to her, but I haven't really thought into it.
With Jason, I think it was something more along the lines of her driving him away with her ambition and hunger for success/power/fame.
I'm glad you liked it!
Ooh, member since 12/23/2012. I see you're new here, too
First of all- I liked it! You obviously have an awesome vocabulary and are quite familiar with your own writing style. Wonderful!
Second of all (yay, fun-time critique stuffs)-
-Punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks. Always. Commas, as well. "Yay for commas," ShadowBandit said, "they're great."
-I loved your use of words like "demure," and "escapades." Seeing them made me super happy. This isn't a critique. I just felt the need to say it.
-Admittedly, I was super confused in the beginning. It took me a while to make the connection that Lauren Tanner and the brunette woman were the same people. I thought that maybe Lauren was overhearing her their conversation, maybe as a waitress at that restaurant? Then I thought Lauren was the date, and didn't know who the brunette woman was... I was just a bit clueless.
-You mentioned the "young, American pilot," who managed to get to Lauren. I wasn't quite sure why. Was it just sort of to drive home the point that she was so hard to get, only one man ever had? Or was there more significance to this reference? For a second, I was thinking the man she was on the date with was the pilot. I quickly realized this idea didn't make much sense, but it occurred to me/confused me nevertheless. Was this Jason?
-The jump from her memories to her stay at that man's house seemed a bit abrupt. The whole scene where she was imagining her old life ("She had had everything planned out, even the interiors of their new home," to "He'd never hurt her, she was sure of it.") confused me a bit.
-I still have some unanswered questions. What on earth happened to Jason/the pilot (assuming they are indeed the same person)? So, is Lauren a prostitute now? What happened to her money? If the man at dinner had met Lauren before on multiple occasions, why didn't he recognize her (assuming she was spectacularly beautiful, I would think her face would be decently recognizable/memorable)?
Anyway, I really liked it, and I'm looking forward to reading more stuff by you!
Hey, ShadowBandit!
And my intention was to leave room for the readers' imagination. His inability to recognize her was meant to show how much she's changed.
I'm sorry about the punctuation, I wasn't aware. I'll keep that in mind.
Haha, thank you.
Yeah..I wanted it to be kind of confusing in the beginning but eventually make it everything fall into place. Almost everything.
Two things - yeah, he was the only man who ever got her, and he was just well a simple pilot and not someone incredibly rich or famous like her. No, he wasn't Jason.
I should work on making the flashbacks stand out as flashbacks, I guess.
I haven't gone into details because well..it's a short story.
Thank you!