homesick

Wow. This is an awesome poem! The format is very unique and very deep. Well done!

Hi hi star! This is such a neat poem that I just couldn't resist a quick review for ya! Also I would like to preemptively state that if there are any missing Ls in this review, it's because my L button on my keyboard has been incredibly sticky today~

I think the structure of this review is just gonna be me blabbering about my thoughts (I'm taking a bit of inspiration from the Poetry Readers Discussions), so hopefully you can still find something helpful in this!

My initial impression is that this poem has such a neat visual format! It reminds me a bit of when I'm organizing concepts/mind-mapping to study for something, which inherently has this kind of "unfinished" vibe - like no full sentences, kind of jagged and disconnected thoughts, lines acting as transitions from one thought to another. Which I find really cool in a poem because usually I think poetry tends to emphasize having a really "polished" feeling finished product? but here we just have this really raw poem that despite being experimental does not at all feel like it's trying too hard, as sometimes they tend to do; and I really love that. To me it has a similar effect to flow of consciousness poetry where grammar/sentence structure/transitions from one thought to another aren't prioritized as much, but unlike that kind of poetry which can sometimes be a bit hard to follow, this is very easy to follow.

Another thing I noticed pretty quickly while reading is that the poem has a distinct lack of a narrator or any kind of character featured in it. No we, she, he, I, us, they, or even it, is present in the poem. As a result, the poem feels like a collage of images or something, which I as the reader am kind of observing? from the sidelines. It definitely creates a detached or distanced feeling, which I think works really well for the topic of homesickness. It's like the implied narrator/person experiencing homesickness is studying all these memories and trying to make sense of what they're feeling.

You have a lot of very unrelated images in this poem, but I think it works because they all have this inexplicable ~vibe~ (maybe the vibe is polaroid photos??), and also the way you organize each pathway so that the images and thoughts are connected works super well.

In terms of critiques, I feel like I'm almost disappointed by the fact that every single pathway ends in the same word ("homesick")? Like I feel like there's a way you could make it even more impactful, perhaps if you used four synonyms like desolate, nostalgia, that kind of thing - or even if the four endings spell a sentence when lined up together? A really bad example would be something like

this ------ kind -------- of homesick -------- stings

but I'm sure you could come up with something way better! Obviously this isn't at all necessary, but I kind of feel like when you have a cool structure like this, the reader almost expects you to use the form to play with meaning in an unexpected way? That's just a personal opinion though, definitely not ~poetry law~ or anything!

I really hate to be the person commenting on grammar or punctuation <.< but I have to admit that I'm not a fan of a lot of the "stanzas" in the fourth level down having a clause, semicolon, cause structure. Here and there that kind of thing is really poetic, but when there are 5 in a row the flow feels too repetitive or homogenous or robotic or something (I'm really fishing for a word here xD) So if you're looking to edit, honestly one of my biggest suggestions would be to play around with some of the punctuation, mainly to get rid of a few of the semicolons for some more variety.

And to wrap things up, I really just need to gush about your characteristically poignant and fabulous and out-of-this-world imagery! I don't think I've ever seen such variety in your imagery - I think you typically tend to stick to celestial, anatomical, and sometimes plant/water stuff - but here you have pianos and doorknobs and gum and voicemails and steaming baths and just ahh !!!!!! I absolutely adore it all. I think another difference is that this imagery feels more grounded/literal for the most part than your other poems where you use a lot of more abstract/metaphorical descriptions. Neither is better than the other, they just have totally different vibes, so I think it's really cool to see this different vibe!

And can we talk about how clever and evocative and perfect some of these images are? like "throwing up memories in a bucket with holes" is not something I've ever heard before, and yet, it evokes such a clear picture and I 100% understand what you're trying to convey. And I think that is a really really impressive talent to have with words, to be able to describe things in an original but comprehendible and relatable way.

I could keep going, but I should probably wrap up this review at some point, so I'll stop here ^-^ This was a super enjoyable poem to read, and actually my favourite poem I've read in 2022 so far! I hope this review proves helpful for you - sorry for how rambly it is xD As always if you have any questions/comments/anything about this review, I'm always glad to chat!

Best,
-false strawberries <3

Hey there, Rebel here for a short review!

This is indeed an interesting "work of art", I would say. The way you described the several scattered thoughts in your brain and turned it into a piece of flowchart makes for an interesting piece of art to look at, and the underlying contrast between the lines makes it even better. And making it a loop, gives it a deeper meaning. If I were to choose any two particular lines from this "work of art", it would be "turning a home into a cemetery to mourn" and "ice cream at midnight to escape sweat stitched in skin", for they are the two most contradictory lines in the poem. Thank you! :p

"swimming pools/spilled tears overflowing clay teacups" vs "swimming pools/peacefully drowning under streetlamp-lit skies". This is how a wonderful, intricate poem debuts. I absolutely love how you did this poem, in such a complex manner.

Your biggest strength in this poem is the sheer amount of detail and how you arranged it to sound and give off a certain message, even with so many options to choose from. I'm a poet who LOVES visual imagery, your poem satisfies it. "streetlamp lit", a ran over sandal. And what's the best thing is that I can actually relate to it.

The part I find confusing is the lack of punctuation in some parts. I don't really care about technical stuff but commas help aid in the message. For example you used ; in "shattered ankles; mosaic of bone fragments" but u didn't in "spilled tears overflowing clay teacups". Without any punctuation the lines seem rushing, hurrying to an unreachable point.

My favorite sequence is swimming pools/ spilled tears/ motion sicknes/unturned piano keys/ homesick. It speaks the most for me, particularly the piano keys. What is more, even though I lean towards visual imagery, I worship someone who includes dinamic imagery (overflowing, motion sickness), auditive (motorcycle engine) and tactile (steaming baths. Overall splendid poetry, good to be back reviewing