wonder

what does it feel like
to be a god among peers
what does it feel like
to always get what you want
what does it feel like
to be admired by all
what does it feel like
to be right every time
to be fed attention
and words of congratulation
left and right
what does it feel like
to be better than everyone
and to always be first choice


i wonder
if you ever think things like that about me
something like


what does it feel like
to be rebellious
to defy absolutely everyone
to desire freedom
to wear combat boots
a smirk
and ripped dark green jeans
what does it feel like
to learn snippets of languages
to get lost in a history book
to stare at a globe for too long
and to stay up too late blasting music 
and writing the names of friends in cyrillic


but for the moments 
that we are not torn by competition
we sit together
and wonder what it feels like
to live each other’s lives


"what a beautiful day, my friend."

Comments

Points: 2299
Reviews: 31

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Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:57 am

promptlyby12 wrote a review...

Hello!
I really loved the theme of the poem and how you have approached it.The first stanza sounded repetitive and i was a bit put off by it. But then i really liked the sudden shift in tone in the second stanza, and found it really intriguing, that's where you had me hooked!The third stanza is again repetitive but it sounded pretty good, probably because of the credibility added to the poem by the second stanza, and the shift in perspective (if you can call it that!).
The tone again changes with the fourth stanza , but i think it sounds pretty good!
The last line doesn't fit into the flow of the poem, but it doesn't have to! I think this line adds depth to the poem and stands good with the theme.
Good job!
And have a good day/night!

Points: 30438
Reviews: 560

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Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:42 am

Tenyo wrote a review...

Hey Startchaser!

This poem has such an interesting theme to it. I really like how the first stanza sets it up to sound like idolatry or even jealousy, the second softens it, and by the third stanza that phrase 'for the moments that we are not torn by competition' really stands out. It creates that sentiment, not just of wondering what the other persons life is like, but also what could have happened and where the lives of these two could have gone if they weren't in competition, and if they were allowed to just be near each other.

I'll be honest, I was put off at first by the repetition in the beginning, but I think I actually like how it decreased and faded more towards the middle. It has the same effect but without the annoyance, you've done it quite well.

I'm not sure about the last line. The last line of the penultimate stanza works great, but the sudden change of tone and use of speech is a bit fast and I don't feel like it adds much to the poem over all.

The theme of this is a fun idea to think about, I enjoyed it. Thank you for posting =]