Published November 2, 2011
Every moment in time
Every hour
Every second
Is special
We try and capture everything
Some ones first step
A birthday party
We can't remeber everything
So we take a picture
A piture is frozen
A piece of time
captured
A memory saved
This is why we take pictures
We grow old and die
A picture lasts forever
For the next generation to see
In this way we all will live forever
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140,582 Literary Works • 673,538 Reviews
I agree with IamHathor, I think this needs more, its kind of an introduction waiting for the story to explain it.
I like the beginning of this but toward the middle it seems like this is just a list, well to me. I think with some work and adding to this this can be really great!
Sorry I couldn't help more
~Rain
Hey There -
A memory savedThis was an interesting piece. I really liked it -
But I have a few comments to make.
Firstly - the beginning has a wonderful little rhythm going - like a river it follows a current. But somewhere along the way, that rhythm is dropped... I'm not sure if perhaps you were doing that for effect?...
There are some lovely tidbits of imagery and imagination here. I liked the
A fragment of the past
part especially, but I think maybe some more comparisons could be used... As the reader ,who is curious and hungry for detail, I want you to paint a picture for me. I want to know whats happening and why, and while this introduces me to it - like a once upon a time, theres no filler , no story...
That's just my opinion - doesnt make it fact.
Keep working, star12 - this is the start of something wonderful.
Best Regards -
IamHathor22