Published September 29, 2010
Play the game and make your move
Ignore the words that still and soothe
Wavering emotions won’t win the prize
Comfort yourself through logic and lies
Eyes that bleed like crimson rain
Shedding tears of fear and pain
Trapped inside unmarked despair
The lies are fading; it’s never fair
Fight the guilt and push on through
It doesn’t matter if it isn’t you
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Canary word: Present
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139,536 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi, I like how you line flows. And I don't have much to say here but I just like how your poem flows.
Hiya! First off welcome to YWS! Great to have you here!
Hopefully you're enjoying yourself so far and decide to stick around, it's a pretty awesome place.
Anyway on to the poem!
I couldn't really get a good picture of what you were trying to describe, the stanzas just seemed a bit unconnected. Also let me just say that a lot of the time rhyming poems tend to take away from the feeling, unless really well done. Now free verse I find is harder to do, but once you get the basics of how to do it turn out better emotion wise. Like its kind of hard to take a dramatic poem about death and stuff when it sounds like Dr. Suess xD.
Also make sure to try and steer clear of poem clichés. Emo and angst get old after you read too much xD this stanza was a little too emo clichés for me.
You can't even imagine how many poems use the crying tears of blood and pain metaphor.
But it's a good start =] That's what your here for is to improve! Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but just remember these are just opinions, so don't let any reviews discourage you, okay? Just keep writing no matter what!
Good luck, I hope to see you around! Pm me if you have any questions, and don't forget to review!
~Hope
Hey
!
I like how your lines flow.. It's soothing.
But it just seems like something everyones writing about,don't get me wrong, I like it... But it could be a little more original.
I think maybe your should change unmarked despair to something else.. My eyes just seems to glide over it and not really process what you said.
Overall it was good.
Keep writing