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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The forgetting mystery

by sreekanthhockey


I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THERE

Steve..Steve….where are you?.?...

Steve: I’m here grandpa, what’s the matter?

Grandpa: Whaaaat?. You are awake? This early? This is totally strange. You waking up this early on a Sunday morning. What are you planning for?

Steve: I am doing this today at any cost ,I am not a kid anymore. I am fifteen years old now, and I can manage things pretty well. I am going to the forest with Stella today for a weekend trek. You can’t stop me this time.

Grandpa: OKOK. Calm down, go prepared, carry some essentials. Be careful, though you are fifteen now, there is so much of world you haven’t seen. Have a good day. Make sure that Stella informed her parents about this.

Steve: OK . Done. Bye .thank you , see you at noon.

I went down the street and met Stella there. She is very excited , as much as I am. She brought the brown jacket, and the woollen hat since it is I winter. Are we ready?. Let’s make move. The Sun is out already.

Stella: I am pretty excited , I am gonna tell the whole experience to all or friends tomorrow and we will be the hot topic in the class. Oh , what if they tell to principal about all this stuff?..No ok I won’t tell anyone. I will tell only Mary about this, she will keep it a secret. And als..

Steve: OH my god , Girl stop pestering about this now. Let’s move.

We walked down our way to reach the entrance of the North Irish Forest Reserve. The entrance was having huge walls and enormous posters of wild animals inside the reserve and some wildlife conservation quotes. The walls were too old and I guess there is nobody taking this serious and people have stopped bothering about this place years ago.

Stella: You see that gate Steve? It’s so rusted and there is no one there. Are you sure this is safe?..

Yeah. There are no signs of wild animals or any dangerous activities reported in last 10 years. I guess we need not worry much. Come on.

As we entered the reserve , we saw the grave path ,and some sign boards ,which are totally in poor condition welcoming us. We started walking in and the path got was more narrowed as we went forward. We were surrounded by gigantic trees that grew on either sides of the path . we watched the trees and their huge trunks beside us. We couldn’t see the trunk and branches at the same time, they were that huge. We had to tilt our heads to see how the branches and leaves looked like to guess what trees they were.

Stella: Hey see that little bird over that corner, that’s sooo pretty . I guess that’s Kingfisher. This place is so nice , why did my mom kept telling me to be careful and alert so many times, she repeated the same thing for more than thirty times. That’s totally annoying. Parents are afraid of jungles and beautiful Kingfishers and think we are afraid too. Nonsense.

NO. There must be something unsafe here, or else she wouldn’t be saying about the same thing that many times. I guess we must take something with us for protection.

I plucked some thorny plants near the bushes and handed some to her. We continued walking , we didn’t feel tired due to excitement , but our bodies felt the tiredness and wanted a break. So we sat down on a tree root which is almost as huge as a primary school’s wooden bench. I took out two energy drinks from my backpack and drank. And gave her two. She hated the taste but I insisted her to drink as it is necessary. She wanted coffee instead, who on earth is making coffee for her in this huge jungle that has been totally left unattended for years. She talks nonsense sometimes.

Steve: Come on fella , let’s move, we are not staying here for the whole day, we have to go back by noon.

Stella: OK. I’m ready, I can walk double the pace now. I am feeling totally energetic now.

Steve: That’s not necessary. You feel that way because of your excessive excitement . WAIT..

Look there, that looks like some signboard.

“DO NOT ENTER. UNRESOLVED MYSTERICAL PLACE.DO NOT ENTER” , she read aloud the statement on the signboard in a old woman’s scary tone, which added more curiosity.

AHH. Is this what we are destined to do?. Come onn..let’s go.let’s find out mystery.

Stella: Are you maad?? That board clearly says not to do that. And you want to go in?.

Yes..Yes .come on , don’t be afraid . this would be a great memory to us.

As we entered that DO NOT ENTER area, we were very panicked at the utter silence, no hissings, no birds chirruping ,no dry leaves rattling, everything was still. Silent. It’s 11 Am . The Sun is too bright like every usual day. After a few steps further , we found a huge rock , it was so soft and was placed towards a steep valley towards our right. I pulled Stella back at once by her hand. The valley was so deep. There is question of further thought if we fall into it.

But our bloody teenager instinct wanted me push that rock into the steep valley. There were some inscriptions on the rock, might be some Talisman of Forest tribes ,but there is no sign of human presence there so far.

Help me push that rock Stella.

Stella: ok (ARGHHH) ..Huff .This is so heavy. . we can’t do it like this. Et me think of a better way.

Get those small rocks , we will place them near the botton one above the other and make it move, it will fall by itself.

We placed the rocks as we planned and used little effort and finally pushed the rock into the valley.

OH NOO.NOO .WHAT’S HAPPENING STELLAAA. HOLD MY HAND ,DON’T MOVE.

As the rock moved from it’s place, the whole place turned into pitch black, leaving no trace of light anywhere. The wind started blowing furiously and there was some odd smell coming out of nowhere.

Stella( Shrieking loudly): Steve ,Steve, please let’s go back , I’m terrified. I told you not to do this. Please for God’s sake let’s go back immediately.

OKok. Don’t panic. It’s totally dark and we cannot figure which way to go out. Don’t Move. Just hold on still. I had torchlights in my backpack.

I took out the two torchlights but only one was working. We could manage.

OK Stella, walk slowly, step by step. Do not trample upon anything. We can do it. Just be calm and conscious. We walked very slowly, so as not to give way to any further dangers.

Every step was striking a storm in my brain, I am terrified too, but I shouldn’t let that out. Stella is also scared.

We made our way out and everything is normal outside. The light, the wind, and the noise.

Stella (long sigh): UH. Jesus. Thank God. We are fine. Let’s move back to home please Steve. No more risks. I’m done.

We walked fast and unsteady, we were still shivering. But we were more in the thought of reaching home so we didn’t really care about the path and anything else.

We reached my home and grandpa was sitting his chair, reading some old classic novel, his weekend pastime.

Stella broke out into tears and panting heavily out of fear, I calmed her down.

Grandpa: Oh, what’s wrong kids, calm down, have some water. settle yourself first. Tell me what happened.

Steve: we went into the forest and after some 3 miles or so we found a way towards our right, and a sign board saying “DO NOT ENTER, UNRESOLVED, MYSTERICAL PLACE DO NOT ENTER” and we though Stella kept warning me not to go, we went in and then…. And then…Oh Stella…I don’t remember anything what happened there. What happened to me.

Stella: what? you forgot? It’s not even half a day we came out of that place.

It was dark and… and. OH NOO NOO. I don’t remember too. This is horrible. What’s happening to us. I remember what happened before and after but not what happened there.

Grandpa: I will tell you what’s wrong.

Some three decades ago, when I was in my mid 40s, some people went to that place and same happened with them. They couldn’t memorise anything happened at that place. Many others went in with curiosity to find out what’s the matter and failed to memorise anything.

Some historians claim that, there was a tribal community lived there and they had some Talismans placed at different positions in that place, later they left that place. They say, those Talismans are responsible for this strange effect of forgetfulness, which constrained only to that place.

This is an experience you got without any harm. So don’t worry much about this and go back to your work.


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48 Reviews


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Mon Jan 29, 2018 5:44 pm
CocoaCat wrote a review...



Hey there, sreekanthhockey (interesting name there), it's your girl Leafpool coming in with a review.
Ok, first of all, this is just a little confusing. "I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THERE" is very confusing, and the amount of grammar mistakes are a little overwhelming, but if we quickly plow through it, this will give me a lot of points. :)
Okay, grammar and punctuation first.
"You waking up this early on a Sunday morning. What are you planning for?" should have been "You're waking up this early on a Sunday morning? What are you planning?"
"I am doing this today at any cost ,I am not a kid anymore." should have been "I'm doing this today at any cost, I'm not a kid anymore" Notice the space AFTER the comma and not BEFORE the comma?
" I am going to the forest with Stella today for a weekend trek." But if it's Sunday, then there isn't much of a weekend, and school maybe?
"OKOK. Calm down, go prepared, carry some essentials. Be careful, though you are fifteen now, there is so much of world you haven’t seen. Have a good day. Make sure that Stella informed her parents about this." Does his Grampa not care, and it would be "Ok, ok, calm down..."
"OK . Done. Bye .thank you , see you at noon." Oh my goodness, your character might be fifteen but you clearly are not. The space goes after the period and at the beginning of each sentence, the word should be capitalized. Also, the Grampa must have known about this then if he said "see you at noon."
"since it is I winter" should be "since it is winter"
I feel like I should remind you that there is also a space AFTER a period.

Pretty much, this needs ALOT of work. Seriously find some elementary teachers to teach you how English works.




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107 Reviews


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Thu Jan 04, 2018 2:38 am
EverStorm wrote a review...



Hey! EverStorm here to review your work!

I love the idea of this story. More development would do it some good.

First things first, punctuation. Punctuation can make your work so much easier to read if you do it right. Question marks, commas, quotation marks. They all play a very important role in your reader's experience and you want to make sure that they aren't turned away from your story because of bad punctuation. If you're writing this in the style of a screen play, you'll want to italicize anything that isn't dialogue, to make it easier to read and make it easier to realize the style of the writing.

Same goes with spelling. Misspellings are hard to ignore and make a reader less likely to finish the story.

Next up, your dialogue. You have a lot of dialogue, which is good for a story like this. But your characters have really stiff dialogue, which makes it less interesting. Your characters should speak the way a real person would. Most people use contractions at every chance, except for when they are trying to emphasize a point. Example: "I'm gonna try to finish. We've only got ten minutes and I don't want to fail." instead of "I am gonna try to finish. We have only got ten minutes and I do not want to fail."
It sounds way more natural. So either do "I don't want to fail" or "I do NOT want to fail." See the difference? It makes your characters more real. If you want to make sure your dialogue is realistic, say it out loud. It'll sound funny out loud, even if fit sounds natural on paper.

Also, characters speak differently from one another. A young boy would use a lot of slang and swear. A young girl would use words like "obviously", "totally" and "like". An old man would use farmer swears and never use any new slang or use this generation's filler words. Make your characters different, it spices it up.

The last thing I would beg you to do is to avoid cliches like the devil. Cliches like "I'm going don't try to stop me" and "DO NOT ENTER" signs and Tribal Grounds. There are other ways to get the same idea across without the usual drawl of cliches. Things like sneaking out, lying about where you're going, just straight up leaving without answering the grandpa, anything. Or instead of a do not enter sign, how about barbed wire, an old wooden fence, a grove of thistles, or anything else that would spell out danger. Tribal grounds are probably not a good idea, unless you are referencing a tribal ground that relates to your own tribe/race. Try hallowed ground, haunted, something scientific like the Bermuda triangle (the methane in the water in the Bermuda triangle makes ships sink, and there are a lot of chemicals and gases that can alter your memory so you could try that).

You don't need to make it obvious, most readers are smart enough to pick up on subtle clues.

Anyways, this story has a lot of potential. If it's supposed to be a screenplay, you should label it as such and format it as such, but other than that, the idea is great, and I love a good mystery. (One other thing, mysterical isn't a real word, try Mystical or Mysterious, but again, signs are cliche, so it probably won't be a problem)

I hope you keep going with this, because it has the potential to be a great story. I enjoyed reading it!

EverStorm




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Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:44 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

If you were trying to go for a script— the way the dialogue is introduced makes me think you were, for how there are no real story elements in here (no description, no body language, no setting)— then this is misfiled. We have a "script" section that this would be much happier in.

That being said, if you were trying to go for a short story, you're going to need to add in description. We have a bunch of articles on description, but to get you started, I would focus on:

- Character body language
- Where they are (if it's in a room, outside)
- How they move/interact with the space (picking up objects, leaning against them, etc)
- How they feel about anything (aka, their thoughts!)

You can read basically any book at your local bookstore or library to see what it is I'm talking about. YWS has tons of examples!

If you're going for a script, then you'll still need to add in things like stage direction (roughly setting the stage, like who is on set, what the backdrop is, etc). This article goes into that. You can see how it looks here.

As for the dialogue you have here, it could use some work. I think a major hinderance of the dialogue is the fact you have absolutely 0 description, so you're relying on dialogue to introduce the description when that isn't very natural. Try adding in description outside of dialogue so the characters are reacting to something, instead of explaining something.

Really, I'm going to end up suggesting you read the grammar section and the writing tutorials section of the Knowledge Base. There are a bunch of articles in there that explain basic concepts of story crafting, which will go a long way in improving this.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey





“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell