Its has been a long time since I posted the first part of this, so to anyone who was waiting for more sorry. As I was writing this I realized that I wouldn't be able to fit all of the plot I hap planned into a short story so I'm going to cut it off before the main plot begins and work with the start of it. After I'm done then I may continue with the main plot in a novel or return to one of my other projects. Here is the link to the first part:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic62708.html
Another cycle of the seasons later...
Lyon could feel his brother watching him as he tied his foot to his belt. Balancing on one foot was not much of a problem for Lyon, but he intended to make it second nature. Gent scoffed, “I still don't know why you put yourself though such ridicules training exercises.”
“To improve myself. This way if I ever misplace a leg then I can still fight.” Lyon looked over to where gent was sitting. Gent didn't often display more then a few facial expressions. Right now he had his 'bored and exasperated' face on. It was one of his favorites, along with 'bored but slightly amused,' 'tired and irritated,' and 'just plain bored.' Lyon continued, “The marshal said that we didn't have anything to do until the initiation ceremony this evening. And while I know that you can stand a day without doing anything I just can't stat still!”
“Do you think we made the right decision?”
“Enh?” Lyon looked up from trying to decide on a practice sword. “What do you mean?”
“Coming here.”
“Well staying inside all day would be hot.”
“That's not what I meant.”
“I know, I just didn't feel like dealing with a serious question.” Lyon sighed, “I don't know, dad didn't say much one way or another. He mostly left the choice to us.”
Gent was silent, like he was most of the time. Lyon turned back to the rack of practice swords selected one and hoped over to a wooden dummy. Four days ago a guard had come to their home and asked Lyon and Gent to join the army. He had said that Lord Benedict, Lord Benedict, had been impressed with a display of their sword fighting and wanted them to join. He had also spun a glamorous web about the joys and adventure of being a soldier of the Antierian army. At the time their father had been out hunting, when he returned and heard about the guard's offer he had simply told them, “Do what you think is right.” They had slept on it and in the morning packed their swords and bags, said farewell to their father and left.
The court yard that they were in was empty other then Gent, Lyon, and training equipment. Lyon was dancing awkwardly around the dummy, his blows coming like hail. Several times he fell, but he just used those times the practice getting up without using his other leg. Gent merely watched as he polished his broadsword to a mirror finish. The broadsword had been a gift from their father to Gent, it was seven hands long and very heavy. Their father had given Lyon a longsword, which suited him better as it was much lighter and only five hands long.
A sudden commotion from one of the gates disturbed both them. A group of guards looked like they were escorting a prisoner. Watching intently for what low-life scum the guards had caught, Lyon pulled out the knot holding his leg up. Putting his weight on it proved to be a mistake however. Due to lack of blood his leg had no strength, and with his other leg worn out from overuse he had nothing to support himself. He fell flat on his face.
Lyon grunted, rolled onto his side and pulled his legs up into a sitting position. He spat out dirt and wiped more off his face with his sleeve. Now he could see who the guard were dealing with. To his surprise it wasn't some savage looking adult man, but rather an old woman dressed like an herbalist and a girl about his age, maybe older, with a black eye and other assorted bruises showing. Both of the prisoners had their hands bound with a rope held by a guard. The girl was looking at him and when their eyes met she spat in his direction and snorted in disgust. Her guard gave a yank on the rope binding her hands. She pulled back harder. When the guard was close, she brought knee up into the guard's gut. The guard bent over, gasping for breath. The girl pulled his helmet off his head and used it to bash the head it was meant to protect.
For half a moment Lyon thought that the girl might be free to do some damage to the other guards, but as the first guard fell, he held onto the rope. Pulling her halfway down with him. The other guards swarmed her like flesh eating fishes. Lyon winced in sympathy for the girl. The beating she was getting now must be painful. He was about to tell the guards that they should stop but one of them beat him to it. It was the one that had been leading the girl. Lyon saw that he had the symbol of a Sargent. The Sargent ordered two of the guards to put the girl on her feet but she shook them off and got up herself.
The Sargent walked up the girl and started talking to her. Lyon limped over to Gent but they were still too far away to hear anything other then a word or two that out of context didn't mean anything. They could hear the tone of voice. The Sargent was amazingly calm for having been attacked, he was still upset though. The girl was defiant and sarcastic. The two of them argued for a little bit until the Sargent said something very softly, glancing meaningfully at the old lady. The girl, looking like she was about to yell something snapped her jaw shut. For the first time she looked scared.
Lyon stole a quick glance at Gent. He had his 'unreadable stone' face on, but the muscles around his jaw were tight meaning that he was very unhappily. Finally the guards started moving again. All but the Sargent disappeared into the main garrison, taking the two women with them. Gent stood and walked toward the Sargent, Lyon half a step behind.
“What was that about?” Gent asked.
The Sargent turned to them. He was a rugged looking man, with scars crisscrossing his face, dividing it into an uneven checker board. At first his scared face was troubled, but it brightened when he saw Gent and Lyon. “Ah, new recruits. I'm Sargent Graven.” He offered his hand.
Gent took the hand. “Gent. What was that about.”
Graven smiled as he shook Lyon's hand. “Won't let an old man dodge the question, eh? Well my boy that was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. Orders came in from the capital itself to capture and detain those two. Someone tried to poison the king with a rare herb. The only ones in the castle at the time that had the herb and the opportunity was the old lady. The girl is her apprentice.”
“Looks like the girl can put up a fight.” Lyon commented.
“Yeah,” The Sargent said, rubbing the back of his head. “That's sure. She probably hurt herself when knocked the wind out of me, I am wearing maille. It looks like its almost time for the initiation ceremony, you two should head over there.”
The fortress had seven courtyards, a central one and six smaller ones. Gent and Lyon had been in one of the smaller ones. Now they headed to the central one. Lyon glanced at Gent again. If either of them hadn't any doubts before, they both did now. Gent didn't give any indication of this, his face hadn't so much as twitched since they had seen the prisoners. Ever since Lyon was little Gent had always hid his emotions. Sometimes more, sometimes not so much. Part of that was their father, the other was some incident in the past that Gent wouldn't talk about.
Not much, but something. I've been busy trying to find a job and I'm applying at collage but considering the time that I've wasted doing stuff like watching YouTube videos I should have been able to get some more writing done. Thanks for any reviews! ^_^
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i thought it was damn good. Each character was well identified with their own personal traits and they complimented and foiled each other pretty damn good. It was a good segment for just that reason, especially if it's one in a series. And if this is one in a series then i'd have to say it'd be a series worth following.
Hey! I'll give you a review
I think you mean "stand".
i think you mean "hopped"
I think its "when she knocked"
Overall I really liked it (sorry about being nit picky). There could be a bit more description, like say what was in the courtyard, maybe have some other people wandering about so you can talk about the daily goings on and such. The character development has been good. I also thought that the Sargent seemed a bit informal for a soldier. But I guess that's your call, I'm not sure what you were going for right there. Keep it up, its a good story!
Hey Squirrely! I'm glad to see that you got your second part up. I've been wanting to read it for quite some time now.
I liked this better than first part. This is because I got a feel into the characters more. I love how they are imperfect and I like their quirks.
As I was reading the first part, I got slightly confused as to what the boys were doing. You told the readers later that they were at the training area, but you should tell the readers sooner for the sake of clarity. It may disrupt the flow a bit at first, but a bit of editing would fix that.
Also, I could have sworn that "Lyon" was "Leon" in the previous part. I personally prefer Leon for his name, but it's up to you. Just stick with one here.
You said her hands were bound earlier. If they were tied losely then make that clear so the readers can understand how she managed to do this.
Humorous and well written, this was my favorite part of this story so far. It showed a glimpse into Lyon/Leon's character too.
Lastly, I think you could try to describe things a bit more. I have no idea what anyplace looks like, and although it's fine to let readers leave things to the imagination, it's not wise to leave them in the blank.
OVERALL:
Excellent. I really, really liked this. I hope you continue, I really do. You should take a look at the order of how you write things, and make sure not hold out on information the reader needs. Your characterization is great. Keep it up.
Esther