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Haiku

by spunkyspacekitty


Death

I am torn apart,

I can't live another day,

I don't have the choice.


Criminal

Evil is in his eyes

Loves the murder of children

Heart is black as night.


Life

Preaching what is right

Unpopular opinion

Hero of babies


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10 Reviews


Points: 1011
Reviews: 10

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Thu Oct 15, 2020 12:08 pm
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Soccer23 wrote a review...



Ok, so I maybe wasn’t expecting this, but it’s actually really good. I’ve never been good at haikus, but I know a good one when I see it and this is really great. I like how it has the three subjects, and how it doesn’t sound like a nursery rhyme where they just take random words that rhyme and then sing them. It actually makes sense, as well as it follows the 5-7-5. Nice job!

P.S. congrats on being so close to two stars! That’s a lot of reviews!




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40 Reviews


Points: 82
Reviews: 40

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Thu Oct 15, 2020 8:42 am
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Buranko wrote a review...



Hey there kitty (i took what I thought can be used as a name from your username). I can say that I have got a little experience when it comes to haikus (they are what got me into poetry). So here I am reviewing your haikus.

The first one is not that good. I understand that you wanted to respect the 5 7 5 but your lines feel repetitive and without anything that is said. The way you used the pronoun I is not that good. Maybe try a little variety or something like that. Repetition when it isn't used as a symbol or something like that just ruins a poem.

The second one is a little better. I love the fact that you added a color. It gives the haiku a little depth. You also used nature as a way to convey a message. The haiku is meh until you added that last line. Just like using spices or salt on a dish. It makes it much better.

The last one is my favorite. It is full of symbols, has a nice flow, totally different from the other two. My favorite line is "unpopular opinion". It's really nice how you made it seem that no one cares about what is right and is evil as a choice. I would have loved some imagery but it's good like this too.

So, as a conclusion what you need to add in your poems to make them better is a clever message, avoid repetitions and a little poetical randomness that makes them have that spark of WOW. You don't really need to respect the 5 7 5 rule, that is in a way a misunderstanding on the teacher's side. Haikus are all about the message, in a compact form. Hope I helped and wasn't too harsh






Thanks for the review, and yeah, I kept trying to rearrange the first one, but it wasn't working. I didn't know that you didn't have to be super strict about the 5-7-5 rule. Thanks for that info!



Buranko says...


Read my haikus and u will see what I mean



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41 Reviews


Points: 592
Reviews: 41

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Wed Oct 14, 2020 10:02 pm
LordMomo says...



I love this, but I can't tell if you're pro-abortion or not.






Maybe that was the point...ohh plot twist!



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23 Reviews


Points: 409
Reviews: 23

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Wed Oct 14, 2020 8:35 pm



Ugh, this won't let me space the Haiku's. The title's are, Death, Criminal and Life




Hkumar says...


Use (shift enter). It works for me ;)





Thanks a bunch




I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal