Cursed

Here's an oldie, about a year and a half old. Yes, I know I tend to have a complete disregard for punctuation when I write poetry, but please, overlook that and lemme know what you think.
_______________________________________

I want to make you feel this
Digging pain inside my heart
Love so torturous and fearless
I was dying from the start
They say that love's a blessing
Watch this blessing mark us cursed
My memory may have saved you
But I had to remember first

You approach me, seeming open
Easy smile, shining eyes
My heart leaps, I can't help hoping
Rapid tongue that's spilling lies
I dream about what you'll be saying
Veins that burn, a heart that pounds
Outside I speak, inside I'm praying
A soul more nervous than it sounds

My mind can never remain with me
My whole life's a waiting game
Dying to know just what you see
Impatience driving me insane
Brambles bind my chest and wrists
Tightening in and I can't breathe
Leaving cuts and bloody slits
It'll hurt worse if they leave

These feelings that I get for you
Are stronger than I've known
You cut me open by existing
Wounds that never heal alone
Though invisible, they cover me
And all of them run deep
Thinking of you will make them worse
But I can't even stop in sleep

And now you have become
The only reason that I cry
Wonder how you are so perfect
As a tear drops from an eye
It's not always being lonesome
As I shed my tears for you
More amazed by your perfection
Everything you say and do

And you know I'll never hurt you
No matter what happens to me
I'll help to slay your every demon
Steal evil visions that you've seen
I'll scoop you up when you are broken
Limp in blood and love congealed
Only passion like my hope can
Save us from two hearts unhealed

Comments

Points: 1175
Reviews: 2

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Mon Jun 28, 2010 12:11 am

tigereyes2438 wrote a review...

Wow...I have to say this is great. All the images that you used fit perfectly. You have a knack for imagery I see
I loved the way it flowed too. So...yeah, good job!

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Sun Jun 27, 2010 11:52 pm

Way2Dawn wrote a review...

Amazing poem you have written you drew a picture in my head that is still there now.
a few minor flaws in this piece do not keep this from being great though I would advise some revising and editing just to patch a few things up!
Keep it up and again I say great work!
-Dawn

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Reviews: 531

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Mon May 24, 2010 10:25 pm

Caligula's Launderette wrote a review...

Hey, honey. So here's my spiel. If you cannot read my handwriting or want clarification on anything, don't hesitate to poke or PM me.

1. Do the Punct!

I believe your poem structurally would be so much better and have a better foundation if you implemented punctuation.

Ta,
Cal.

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Reviews: 411

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Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:43 pm

BenFranks wrote a review...

Hey there!

My nitpick for this piece of poetry is that, although the images are strong and very affective, there's little pace.

In my opinion you need to be very careful about punctuation rules in poetry, as much as you can abuse them, because it's a "rebellion of language" it's always good to use them.

I feel that if you don't include punctuation you're going to lack the fluency and pace that would bring this piece up a notch. I'm struggling to know when to take a breath, stop or pick up some kind of portrayed rhythm or tone.

My suggestion to you?
Throw in some commas and semi colons, play around, perhaps introduce some periods/full-stops. Create a voice, get the stone rolling and we'll see improvements.

Keep it up,
Ben

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Reviews: 382

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Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:47 pm

Galerius wrote a review...

Hi spring616,

You had better be planning to go somewhere with this piece even though it's a year old; otherwise, we're all wasting our time.

springs616 wrote:I want to make you feel this
Digging pain inside my heart
Love so torturous and fearless
I was dying from the start
They say that love's a blessing
Watch this blessing mark us cursed
My memory may have saved you
But I had to remember first

This is like a pop song, except... worse. Much worse. "Digging pain inside my heart", really? The reader can't imagine that. What does pain even look like? How can it dig?

You can't throw in abstract concepts and verbs into a bonfire together and hope that they spark something. There always needs to be a bridge, a connection between the idea and the imagination that takes the form of some concrete symbol. And no, "heart" isn't enough of a symbol.

The rest of this paragraph is just a continuation of the vague opening, talking about what love us. Nobody will care unless you make it interesting. I very much doubt that even you, the poet, find that droning on about what love is or is not interests anybody. Revamp that entire section. Hint, don't blurt.

I am not going to finish this. It's clear that the entire poem is suffering from the same malady that afflicts your opening stanzas. Your first point of revision is to try to create a piece that doesn't lecture. Basically, what you're doing right now is sitting this guy, and the reader, down and explaining - point by point - exactly how you feel. This is very bland. This is very boring.

Ideas should be dumb, blind, and deaf on their own; they are naturally so. You can't expect somebody to understand some concept up in the clouds without letting it flow through the neural synapses as a form of sense. Then don't do it in poetry. Compare and contrast something which the reader is already familiar with, then link it to that idea so he can go from point A to point B to point C, etc, instead of simply jumping from A to Z.

Your second point of revision is the horrifying cliches all over this work, but the previous suggestion should take the foreground here. In general, it's a good thing you wrote this a long time ago, because hopefully you can take these suggestions and make a better piece out of them soon.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

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Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:11 pm

Pacific_Sky14 wrote a review...

#400080 ">Wow, that was quite something! I liked it. It was very fluid and soft and the whole meaning behind evened it out with good imagery. It was a lot of lines but I didn't notice really when I kept wanting to read on and it ended. :lol: I didn't want it to end. It still ended but that's the beautiful part of it- it leaves the reader wanting more...such as I. You did a pretty nice job on this peice. Keep on writing!
#FF0080 "> ~Pacific