From my creative writing class notebook. (edited version of this story) This may or may not be turned into a longer story in the future.
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We floated across the pond. I dipped my hand in the clear water and watched the ripples spread outwards from my fingertips. I looked up at Lily and watched her long, black hair fly behind her in the breeze as she made the boat speed up. Her dark brown eyes were squinting against the wind. She looks beautiful with the wind in her face, I thought.
The boat zipped across the smooth water, disrupting the pink cherry blossom petals that were sitting atop the surface of the pond. When the pond was calm, it looked almost like glass. But when there was a motorboat going at fairly high speeds, walls of shining white water spread out from the sides of the vessel, splashing anyone onboard.
Lily and I laughed, making eye contact between the water droplets flying through the air. I couldn't help but notice how lovely and full of life her laugh was. Lily was just like that pond. At first it looked cool and calm, but as soon as a boat sped around you uncovered lots more beneath its surface. The pond was beautiful, sometimes soft and quiet, sometimes loud and energetic. But all around amazing.
The boat slowed to a stop and I watched some loud Canada geese flying overhead. I was surprised that they were out flying in formation at this time of year. I wondered where they were headed, and where they were coming from.
Then the geese flew out of my range of sight. Suddenly self conscious and unsure of where to look, I fiddled with the skirt of my pastel pink dress and felt Lily's eyes on me. I looked up and my cheeks began to feel hot. Lily looked so pretty with those sparkly water droplets in her hair. But Lily was smiling at me, so I smiled too.
"This is great," I sighed happily.
Lily laughed and said, "I'm glad you liked it. I should take you across the pond again sometime."
"Yes," I breathed. I was already starting to fantasize about what would happen next time we went out on this pond.
My first non-poem that I have published on YWS.
Hi friend! The story you wrote is most exquisite story. The concept of this story is fabulous. You wrote this full of imaginary. I love the second Paragraph you wrote.
"The boat zipped across the smooth water, disrupting the pink cherry blossom petals that were sitting atop the surface of the pond. When the pond was calm, it looked almost like glass. But when there was a motorboat going at fairly high speeds, walls of shining white water spread out from the sides of the vessel, splashing anyone onboard"
It's perfect but you were supposed to add some metaphors then the story you wrote will be rated so highly. Yeah I really appreciate you for this great work, it was really incredible something like I read this one time and it incredibly comfort me I really love your work . The story concept was outstanding, emotions, feelings, thoughts everything just look sincerely like how sincerely they are with each other, how they profoundly like each other. I really love the way of your concept of love. And you revealed this highly that what is love.
Because love is an art. I really appreciate you for this work
And may my review will be a happy ending massage for you
But if you expand this, it will be more perfect then, like the ending never feel that it is the ending of the story, you would have to expand It more. Everything in all and all in everything, i enjoy your romantic story. May your pen never stop for the future projects. Stay blessed
What a lovely story! The imagery was perfect, the setting was complete, the transitions and emotions were pure. All in all, I love it. I think this would be a great story, if you decide to expand it. Good job!
Sooo romantic and magical! I love how Lily and the pond are connected, similar. It brings light and mystery to the romance with the teens. Both have more to them than what meets the eye, both are holding such sparkling secrets. This story is fine as just one piece, but if you wish to continue it, then I’ll read it.
I hope that you will have a very fantastic day and night.
Thank you! ^v^
Hi friend! I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. I'll write a critique sandwich, so I hope you're hungry!
Let's get into the bread or what I like about this! First, your use of imagery is very vivid. It allowed me to visualize the scene, and I felt like I could feel the experience of floating on the pond. The descriptions of the clear water, ripples, cherry blossom petals, and the effect of the boat's speed magnify the engagement with the setting. Second, the passage subtly develops the relationship between the narrator and Lily. I am still learning a lot about character development, and take that as you will. That said, I want you to know you have done this well. Through their interactions, you can get a sense that there is a growing connection and attraction between them. This adds depth to the characters and story overall. Lastly, the writing effectively conveys emotions, such as the narrator's admiration for Lily and the sense of happiness/contentment that they both share. This work successfully created a serene atmosphere that had me in the moment with them.
Now, we add the meat or what may need improvement. There is mainly a pacing issue, but this is my opinion. It is relatively slow, which may affect the engagement of some readers. While it did not lose me, I yearned for more tension and action. The descriptions of details and emotions are valuable, but it might be beneficial to balance that with events to maintain reader interest, especially if you add to this. The other tip to improve pacing would be to add dialogue. As I have mentioned, there is a lot of descriptive narration here. Including dialogue between the narrator and Lily or additional events/interactions between them could enhance the dynamics of the scene.
Let's finish with the last piece of bread or my overall impressions/what I know. Overall, this short story effectively captures a peaceful and intimate moment between the characters. Still, it could benefit from a more varied pacing and dynamic interactions to maintain reader engagement. I almost felt like I was the narrator with the details and specifications you made in this scene. Take what you will from this commentary and leave out all the rest. Kudos to you for drawing out such a beautiful setting. Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. With love, ♡A
Thanks for your review! I like your suggestion to add more dialogue and if I decide to make this part of a longer novella/novel, I will try to do just that.