Michael Clifford,my lover-yet my worst enemy. i hate that i love him and i love that i hate him. the feelings are mutual.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
I love how you managed to sum up your story but i think they needs to be a bit more detail within the story. You successfully managed to make me think why does she hate him ? , Why does he hate her ? . Im looking forward to reading the story . You made me curious as to what you could make happen.
Hope this helped
-Angel ^--^
Okay, your summary for this totally built up this amazing and awesome story and I was expecting to see a bunch of words filling my screen.. and then I see this. You don't give us a lot to work with, so I feel like I should give you the typical mundane review.
If this were a poem, it wouldn't make a difference how you structured your sentences, how you failed to put in spaces and word breaks and punctuation. None of that stuff really matters, since poetry can go anywhere from structured to free-form. Take our beloved ee cummings for example. But since you have this under "short story", I will treat it as such.
Technical things to do:
- hit the space key after every punctuation mark like you usually do after every word. So basically what I'm doing now, entering in this comma and then hitting the space key so there is a distinct break between words.
- capitalize your proper nouns. You did so with Michael Clifford's name, but you didn't do so with your I's. Make sure you're doing so. Like I said, with poetry, it doesn't matter. With prose, it does.
Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, I have a few suggestions that would hopefully help with making your short story more interesting.
Fanfiction. That put me off at first, since I was like "Fanfiction? I'm not seeing it.. unless this Michael Clifford is some famous fellow." So I looked him up and *facepalm* duh. He's from Five Seconds of Summer, isn't he? Hmm.. well, then, what do you want us to know? This is more like an explanation of why you like Michael Clifford instead of a fanfiction short story What is going on? Is it a fanfiction between him and you, the author, or a fanfiction between him and his life, his fans, his band, etc.? I haven't read much (or any) band fanfiction, but from what I've heard about it, it usually centers around your ship of 'band member x band member" or "band member x fan". So my point is, where are the details?
Which leads me into my next nitpick.
Details. A story can have many areas of strength. Dialogue, details, description, imagery, action, characters, etc. It's all important. You're lacking all of this. Anything at all would work; you've given us three lines. As I said earlier, this is more like an explanation of why you love Michael Clifford than a story. Where are the fillers? Are there more characters? Does anyone interact with anyone? Describe people to me. Take me on a journey through the band's life. Show us Michael Clifford and who he is, what he does, why this is a fanfiction. Give us something to work with.
To recap: details. Lots and lots more details.
I hope this helps.
~Iggy
Hello, Spliff! Never fear, Adrian is here for a review! Now, this is a short work, but there are certain things I would like to point out in this! So, lets move on with the review.
The three sentence story that is here could be a good premise to a book. We have the protagonist who is apparently in love with a band member from 5 Seconds of Summer... and they're enemies? How cool is that? This could already go in so many different directions! The setting hasn't been pointed out yet, so there is a sea of possibilities right there. However, I am disappointed at the shortness of this. Because while there is enough room for imagination, it feels like there is too much room. Maybe a few more sentences, a few full paragraphs giving away what is actually happening? (That would make me, as the reader, really happy. I always love when there is a lot to read!)
One thing that I don't understand about this, is that it is in italics. Now, italics are generally used to add emphasis into the words, or for flashbacks and dreams. Maybe to add a sorta voice to a poem. Although, I wonder if it's there to add a tone, like in the example I mentioned about the poem. Is it supposed to represent a narrator's voice? However, it doesn't seem to add anything to this piece. It's just there. Perhaps, take it away?
Here's a thing, the comma in red. Just, having it being right there is a bit annoying. Add a space so there isn't an error?
The little hyphen there is between "lover" and "yet" needs to be changed into an em dash. (Example of an em dash here: —)
The beginnings of sentences and "I"s need to be capitalized for correctness of grammar.
I am intrigued by the "feelings are mutual" part. So, Michael hates the main character as well? How are they lovers? He is a member of a band, so how would he have enemies? Is the character a part of the paparazzi, or are they working for the government. There is just so much space for things to be added in here.
I hope that there is a lot more added soon, and I am interested. Keep on writing,
~Adrian
Hahaha! This must be the shortest work of literature on the planet, and it works because it leaves no stone unturned in getting its simple message across: love is a crazy.
Couldn't have said it better.
I liked it.