Published May 31, 2011
Alone, truely alone
Tragically awaiting the nonexistant end
Oh, immortal vexation
Just stop it, oh, stop it
Stop wasting me away as I descend
Lower, into the abyss
Desperately grasping at anything that stands
Oh, frustration
Do disappear, be gone!
I can see past both your dirty hands
Uncertainty, the chill
Cascading into the fear that is so familiar
Oh, disperse!
I say, and say again,
No weapon formed against me shall prosper!
Clinging to threaded dreams
Gasping at bursting seams
Invading while I sleep
Please Lord, let me be
Determination, the key
Keep my mind above the crashing waves
Oh, chilling fear
That's enough, too much
I'm stepping forward as the deception stays.
Aspirations, the view calming
Wonderful evasion as my heart does soothe
Oh, inspiration
How you, you do
Saturate my fears in the unwavering truth.
Enough, this is the end
The invisible grip across my chest is relinquished
Oh, glory salvation
Risen, lifted up
And the voices of fear are eternally extinguished.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
You've got a cool style of writing and you use great description and creates beautful settings... There were a few nitpicks but these have allready been pointed out so all I can say is.. PUNCTUATION! Othwerwise, Nice work, I liked it alot.
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I have no reviewing to do, it seems you already got some good reviews. Besides, I was so enraptured by the poem that I had no time to concentrate on looking for mistakes. You did such a good job as describing the panic, in fact, I was starting to feel frantic just from reading it. But, you ended it well. It was just, amazing.
I especially liked these two lines, the wording is just, perfect! Seriously, keep writing! I love this!I liked this a lot. It was very beautifully written. Kind of reminds me of something I wrote a long time ago. I also liked how it went from being dark and almost maddening, to peaceful.
Thank you all! Sorry for all the little mispellings and whatnot, but I wrote this after midnight on my Myspace blog about two years ago. Haha, so I decided to throw this little ditty on the site because I still feel like this is one of my most natural pieces. But in response to a recurring question: that crazy line in the second to last stanza, "How you, you do".
Basically, it's just a very confusing way to start two different sentences. So...
"How you saturate my fears in the unwavering truth."
And
"You do saturate my fears in the unwavering truth."
I know it's a bit strange, but in my brain it made sense, hehe.
I suffer from panic attacks as well, so this poem really spoke to me. It may seem like I am tearing this apart, but I only criticize because this poem has great potential. Try replacing oh with adjectives describing the noun, because in certain areas oh sounds awkward. The second to last stanza is confusing and should probably be restated, however, the last line is amazing. The fourth stanza is also very well written. Overall, this is a fantastic poem. It could use some adjustment, though, so PM me if you need anything and let me know when you change things. Bravo! Happy writing
I got a sense of flailing desperation from reading this, whether or not that emotion was suposed to come across i don't know but as far as i'm concerned it worked well. There are a few minor faults that I won't bother to go into because the other reviewers have already covered them but on the whole it is a very good piece of work.
I really like your style of writing - the voice, the wording...nice!
I really enjoyed this! I think the flow is off a bit in areas, but that's always so hard to tell. Great usage of words and I really (as I said before) love the style here.
Heello!! I come to review your poem =D I just want to point out that I liked the emotion in this poem =) I thought it was really strong and passionate which is what your looking for in a poem =] My comments are in purrrple
Alone, truely alone
Tragically awaiting the nonexistant end
Oh, immortal vexation -----I like your vocab here. I have no idea what vexation means but it makes it sound really professional =)
Just stop it, oh, stop it
Stop wasting me away as I descend
Lower, into the abyss
Desperately grasping at anything that stands ----I like these two lines, there is a lot of imagry in it and a feeling of desending into nothing. Very good =D
Oh, frustration
Do disappear, be gone!
I can see past both your dirty hands ---I don't quite get this line, thats okay you don't have to change it. Poetry is a personal thing =] I like how you make the emotion and panic seem like a person
Uncertainty, the chill
Cascading into the fear that is so familiar
Oh, disperse!
I say, and say again,
No weapon formed against me shall prosper!
Clinging to threaded dreams
Gasping at bursting seams --- I really like these rhymes and the flow is really good here.
Invading while I sleep
Please Lord, let me be
Determination, the key
Keep my mind above the crashing waves
Oh, chilling fear
That's enough, too much
I'm stepping forward as the deception stays.
Aspirations, the view calming
Wonderful evasion as my heart does soothe -- your chose of words is very good here. Soothe and calming gives off the atmosphere of calm. I like how it contrast with the emotion earlier in the poem. I'm sorry if none of these comments make any sense hahahaha =DOh, inspiration
How you, you do
Saturate my fears in the unwavering truth.
Enough, this is the end
The invisible grip across my chest is relinquished
Oh, glory salvation
Risen, lifted up
And the voices of fear are eternally extinguished. ---I like this ending. You can tell the panic has gone, mostly because you say it haha, and I like how you used "invisible grib" too =D
I thought that your poem was really good =} I liked the emotions and imagry and the way it changed structure in some parts, it made it more interesting. Your style of writing is very different too, I like the way it was unique =D. Really I find nothing wrong with it at all! I thought it was great! Keep me updated on more of your works I can review =)
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- 'truly' is not spelled with an 'e'.
- It's 'nonexistent'.
- Since you seem to use the apostrophe figure of speech here, you can write it this way: 'O immortal vexation'. Well, it's your choice.
- I like the wording here by the way.
- I didn't mean to nitpick line by line but I like this line. xD
- This is a strong ending for the first verse.
- I like the use of the apostrophe figure of speech here.
- I like the rhyming here.
- I don't get this.
- This is already cliché. I don't think it's a big problem though.
- I don't get this. >.< Did you mean 'How do you do?' or something like that?
I like this poem.
Never stop writing!