Published February 4, 2013
[I'm not sure if I'm sure about anything. I wrote this on a whim with very limited editing. I don't know if I like it or not at all. I really want to. And my friends and a few random people dug it. I mean, that's cool, right? I liked it at first. But then I'm like, T.S. Eliot would hate me... I actually don't know why I'm posting this at all. There's some sentences that are being little jerks, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe you'll find them. HNNNNG. -____-
-spinelli ]
Heartbreak is not heart-breaking but rather an earthquake that happens inside your core. It rattles and hurts, and everything falls to the floor all at once making an awful mess at first. And you're sad about it. You're sad because it took so long to get things the way you wanted them, and now it's fallen apart because of this earthquake, and there's nothing you can do to get things back to the way they were.
But you stop crying for a moment to survey the damage, realizing your heart is still thoroughly intact and that you just have to clean a few things up, and it was not truly your heart that broke but just some things that fell off the shelves that will need replacing. You wish, most naturally, that the earthquake never came along, so in that case you would not be forced to reconfigure all that you once had. It would be much easier, you conclude, to simply add on to what you had instead of starting over anew. But it would also be much easier to fall apart.
So you begin to pick up the fallen things, and maybe you decide to do some rearranging because it turns out the previous decor no longer matches your taste. So you throw the stuff away. There are some dangerous shards that litter the floor, and some things will need to be rebuilt, but there are also a few things that ended up safe, and some things even managed to stay upon the shelf somehow. You might get a new wall color and do a little shopping later on for some nicer accessories. You might learn the art of crafting old things together to make something new, and you can hang it over the mantle or over the TV if you don't have a fire place.
You may feel an after shock every once in a while. For a while you may recall very vividly the fear and pain of that quake. That quake may have made things seem like they had completely fallen apart. But after a day or two you remember your heart was never broken in the first place.
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139,564 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey there spinelli,
Zephion here, to give you a review in order to make a great piece better. The thing that I like the most here is that it's almost poetic. It flows like a poem, or at least it did when I read it, so I think you should build on that. I'd break it up, so that it's almost a poem, but not quite. Make sure the reader reads it with the rhythm that you intended by putting breaks in there. Though, perhaps this was not intended to be poetic, so I'll move on.
In the first paragraph you pull in this theme of an earthquake. I really like this, and the repetition that you put in there. If it were me I would put the word in there again, to continue your prior success with that repetition. But maybe I'm still stuck on the poem thing.
One more thing. Never, never ever, think twice about posting work on here. You will always get honest and great feedback (unless. review it, then it's not so great). So, you don't need to hesitate while clicking that submit button. Your work will get better. Anyway, great job on this, I like it a lot. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
Zephion
Spinelli my man! Before I even go into your piece my I just say that your avatar is one of the most excellent things I've ever seen... I'm gonna start following you just for that :3. Now on to your piece...
. Keep up the good work!
Ok so great start you got here, comparing a heartbreak to an earthquake, well done there and it sets up the next line rather nicely about the rattling. I would substitute the "mess at first" with "mess of things" instead. I think it flows better that way. You follow it up with a fragment sentence which I'm not a huge fan of. It just throws off the great flow you already god going. You could even take that out and transition more smoothly into the next line easily.
Love the second paragraph. It's an absolutely excellent switch of mood and you do it very smoothly so I commend you for that. When you say: "you wish, most naturally, that the earthquake.." take out the "most naturally" part of that line, It's throwing off your rhythm. Then you say "But it would also be much easier to fall apart..." Ok so you've started a few too many sentences with "but," which you need to be careful of starting sentences with a conjunction. I would substitute this out for "although" or something along those lines.
LLOOOVVVEEEEEEE that third paragraph. I would change nothing of it. Absolutely perfect in my opinion.
Ok you start your 4th paragraph awkwardly with "after shock every once in a while. For a while.." once in a while and for a while are used in too close of a proximity to be effective. Edit one of them out I would suggest. Ok the ending is missing a little little something. I want it to say something like: your heart was never broken in the first place, it was just... (insert clever and witty line here). Thats what I was really looking for, but it fell a little short. What reallllly made this entire piece for me was that third paragraph. That was just marvelous, comparing your broken heart to redeocrating. Spot on my friend spot on. I really had to look hard to find somethings to nit pick about, but thats all I really have to say. Give me a PM if there is anything else you want me to review
TuckEr EllsworTh
Well, thank you!
I must say, I'm terribly guilty of fragments. I think this is because I really adhere to the modernist writers and their whole groove was fragments and weird syntax. Haha, I'll work on it.
And I do admit I feel something a little awkward about the 4th paragraph. Not sure what yet. But I suppose I could point out the thing about "for a while." If you notice, I tried making the sentences stop and start like a flow. "...once in a while. For a while ... that quake. That quake..." I wanted to juxtapose a flow and consistency in the sentences to the fragmented subject of an earthquake/heartbreak. Sort of just as a conclusion, I guess. I'm not sure if that works though.. Hm... I shall revisit it!
Thank you for the time and review!
Wow. Just... Wow. This is really good! I love every bit of it!
In the second paragraph you say:
This is a little awkward to me. I would maybe say something like this:
But you stop crying for a moment to survey the damage, realizing your heart is still thoroughly intact but you just have to clean a few things up. It was not truly your heart that broke but just some things that fell off the shelves that will need replacing.
Paragraph 3 you say:
I like the first part, but I would make the second part a new sentance and say: You can hang this art over the mantle....
The rest seemed great and there were no spelling errors or other basic things like that... You are an amazing writer!
--Iki
Thanks for all the kind words!!!
I'm not sure if I would change the conjunction to "but you" though for the fact that is sounds more like a comparison in that way, but I will agree that I have some lengthy moments that could probably go without the conjunctions. I think you pointed out some important places for me to think about! Thank you muchly. 