NOTE : Mahatma here means mahatma gandhi.
Seven months after January,
It's freedom India got.
One year after that,
The mahatma was shot.
He was a paramatama (wid a pure soul)
With a pure atma (atma means soul)
But his soul grieves,
As fear creeps.
Homeless people weep,
The wounds in mahatma's soul are very deep.
We live in a country enslaved by corruption,
A country heading to destruction.
Children crying,
People dying.
Homeless people weep,
The wounds in mahatma's soul are very deep.
There's still time,
To save this world treasure.
To get back the country,
In which we deserve to live with pleasure.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Before I go into your poem, please Capitalize the M and G in Mahatma Gandhi in the note. You're writing a poem on the Father of our Nation (That's right, I am from India and also I was born on 2nd Oct haha!) so show complete respect.
Now to the poem,
I like the theme and the way you've put in. Good job!
Only, like Ashlee says the last stanza does not fit in with the rest of the poem.
Let the grief end with the grief. This isn't an essay that you'll have to write a conclusion, so just keep the theme intact. Be harsh to show readers how bad the situation of poverty is. No point in showing false hopes, right?
Anyway, overall this is a nice deep poem.
spike, since your just 13 i'm going to assume that you are still tinkering with your poetry much more than many of us here. so i'll go easy.
too much narration and not enough actual meaning. this is not a textbook, this is a poem. also, the last line is an emotional void, as if your giving a lecture in a monotone. if the mahatma means a lot to you, show it to us by including electric language, not boring overtones.
last part of 2nd line is very very forced. your saying "he was a pure soul with a pure soul". that's...redundant and only shows us that you didnt think this through very well. cut out this whole stanza, dont even try to fix it.
this is decent, although I would change the 3rd line to something more charged like "The homeless weep" or "The gutter children weep".
where did this come from? you cant suddenly inject a political statement randomly in the middle of your poem and expect the reader to just take it. i demand justification or some foreshadowing.
again, good, but change the 3rd line.
last line makes no sense; how do we "deserve" to live with pleasure, what have we done to earn it? Explain that or drastically alter that line.
in general: apart from the main idea, this poem wasnt very good because you didn't use any imagery, charged language to make the reader feel anything, and you forced your rhymes uncomfortably into the poem, making it seem very awkward at parts.
Be nice. There's no need for this type of review.
I just have you say. you ave absolutely NO poetic technique. It's like you are using Dr. Suess as your template for writing. Right now, you are using all of your emotion and no logic. Not a good combo. Please, for the sake of my brain, work on that.
Signed, KK.
So, I have read thy poem, and then read the comments.
It was a very powerfully moving poem, and Mr. Gandhi was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor to have heard his name.
but alas, I have never met him, for he was dead long before my time, as was Martin Luther King Jr.
but, I remember them, as should we all,
but back to the poem, it emphasizes the suffering he worked to relieve,
I like to think that we can change the world, not jsut one country, but that has no bearing on your poem.
It almost plays like a song.
In fact, It could be a song.
I like to believe that you captured the essence (insofar as we can) of Gandhi.
i have never been one to correct writing style, so I won't start now.
I like to look at teh meaning in a poem, the truth behind the words.
Actually, I like the first stanza, it was a good hook.
So, I have read thy poem, and then read the comments.
It was a very powerfully moving poem, and Mr. Gandhi was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the honor to have heard his name.
but alas, I have never met him, for he was dead long before my time, as was Martin Luther King Jr.
but, I remember them, as should we all,
but back to the poem, it emphasizes the suffering he worked to relieve,
I like to think that we can change the world, not jsut one country, but that has no bearing on your poem.
It almost plays like a song.
In fact, It could be a song.
I like to believe that you captured the essence (insofar as we can) of Gandhi.
i have never been one to correct writing style, so I won't start now.
I like to look at teh meaning in a poem, the truth behind the words.
Actually, I like the first stanza, it was a good hook.
Hey Spike!
This is off-topic, but AH! AH!
First off, I really like the topic of your poem. The problem here is forced rhyming. "It's freedom India got" sounds very awkward. I think you should consider finding different rhymes here, in order to rid this stanza of that awkward line.
[/s]
I'm thinking those are just notes for us, but they ruin the flow, and you don't need them.
I think this is one of your strongest poems. The repetition works very well, and you hit the mark. Like I said, I don't like the parentheses in that one bit, and it's best not to force your rhymes because you end up cramming words into your stanza that just do not sound good... "got". Not a very nice word for a poem.
This poem did have a better overall structure than your last poem, also. You didn't vary madly with the number of lines in your stanzas, and it flowed more nicely.
PM me with questions!
~ Clo
Wow, that was powerful...
However, the only picky thing I noticed was the ending. Very abrupt. If you could somehow add a few lines to make it flow better to a smoother ending or something like that.
Otherwise, good job!
As I read it I felt empathy for their plight
you Did an awesome Job hopefully others won't be offended
Not that i think they will but you never really know do you?
I Like these lines the best
"But his soul grieves,
As fear creeps.
Homeless people weep,
The wounds in mahatma's soul are very deep."
It is touching and really denotes love here
or a kind of longing for it
hm You got me to think WELL DONE!
lol
"We live in a country enslaved by corruption,
A country heading to destruction."
Yeah i can Relate to this as My own Country is heading down that dark path ..
Sad But what can you do?
"Children crying,
People dying.
Homeless people weep,
The wounds in mahatma's soul are very deep."
Wow those are by far the best words in the poem
When ever a weeping child is thrown into the equation you have TO feel empathy and a sadness for them!
Otherwise you are NOT human ..
just an opinion no need to get riled up!
Overall I loved it!
will you review my poem? i will upload now as i have finished reviewing ..
Thanks!