Published March 22, 2009
Kalyug
The skies darken,
As the sun dies.
Up in the heavens,
The angels cry.
The earth burns,
In the flames of hell.
This day would come,
Who could tell?
Love is scarce,
Evil is plenty.
Demons are more,
And people are scanty.
Children sleep hungry,
Tired and naked.
The devil rules the world,
So evil and so wicked.
Our brave heroes now,
Commit murders.
Seeing their wickedness,
My heart shudders.
The gods we preached,
ran away into hiding.
In their homes,
The devil is residing.
Screams of horror fill the sky,
As our dear loved ones die.
In my eyes death stares,
It haunts me like a nightmare.
In a corner i quivered,
I was aghast.
With fear i shivered,
I thought I wouldnt last.
My eyes were closed,
I was filled with fright.
Just then tearing the darkness,
Came a beam of light.
The reign of terror ended,
At last the nightmare was over.
But I was the last one left,
The only survivor.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey Spike ^^ Shina here
I'll be your reviewer for today.
I want to read more.
I fixed some things in the actualy poem, but I would like to point out that the 3rd stanza sounds like a forced rhyme, plus plenty and scanty do not really rhyme. That breaks the flow and I think you should change the wording. I like the part where it says "love is scarce, evil is plenty" but you should just change the next few lines to match it.
Okay, for the overall I idea, I like it. It's a bit gloomy and depressing, but it has a good idea. The beginning I like, but after stanza 3 everything goes downhill. The flow, the rhyme, and everything. You have a good idea, you just need to adjust the wording you used. Keep it up
Hey.
Here's your review.
Hmm... I'm not quite sure what you mean by this poem. At first I thought you were presenting a cynical view of the world, now though, I think this is more like a narrative of an epic story of armageddon or something. Anyway, this is really good.
Rhythm has to be fixed. If you read it aloud you might notice that it sounds rather choppy in some parts.
Punctuation has to be fixed as well.
Overall though, great job.
I can't say I get the title. When I clicked on this I was thinking it was going to be something...well, I'm not really sure whast I was expecting but it wasn't this
Children sleep hungry,
Tired and naked.
The devil rules the world,
So evil and so wicked.
Our brave heroes now,
Commit murders.
Seeing their wickedness,
My heart shudders.
The gods we preached,
ran away into hiding.
In their homes,
The devil is residing.
This was the part I had the most trouble with. I don't feel anything for this poem. It's just a random collection of:
good thing
reversal of good thing
Fill in the form as you will.
There imagery here wasn't unique, though you had an interesting idea. We know the devil is "wicked" and "evil". What something new can you bring?
Hello Spike! I am here, as requested, and ready to review!
You have quite an interesting piece here with your chosen setting. The imagery is nicely done, but I believe there could be more if you went a bit more in-depth with the emotion. Try adding more description the poem and make it rich with detail. You want the reader's full, undivided attention the whole time and you want it to be captivating. Don't be afraid to really go for it, because in the end it will make this piece all the more thrilling.
Nit-Picks:
The rhythm you had going through-out your poem has been really messed up right here. "I was filled with fright." is probably the line that needs changing the most. Your second couplet here needs definite changing, because it sounds weak. You may be able to change that, though, if you make the stanza before it stronger.
Overview:
This poem has a lot of potential to be something magnificent, but you need to be willing to go the extra mile for it. It seems that the thrill that had captured my attention in the beginning of the poem diminished as I read on, so try and work on your last three stanzas. Your last few lines are very important in any piece of work.
Don't get me wrong, though. I thought the true contents of this poem were excellent and you have the right back-bone and structure that will help it become something even better when it's edited. I'll be looking forward to seeing this poem after you have fixed it up a bit and have enlivened it.
Since this is a beginning, I will give the boring imagery and uninterested tone of the lines somewhat of a pass; these could potentially work if the style and terror-inducement of the piece starts increasing until it reaches a crescendo.
The image of the Earth burning is such a vague scene that the reader could take it for almost anything. What is the significance of the burning? The smells, the sights, the sounds? The molten core rushing out through planetary veins to soak the earthen skin in fumes of red tears? Like I just did, describe this burning - and indeed, this whole poem - with epic language, words designed to evoke larger than life confrontations between the reader's mind and pure, unadulterated emotion. You don't have to start with this style n the beginning, but it needs to be present. An apocalypse is not a light thing.
First two lines are too hazy and there's no concrete footing on which to launch my imagination. Once again, instead of talking about love, display it through metaphor, personification. Anything. Has Hate murdered and eaten raw his mistress Love? Drum your feelings up so that they fly over the skies.
The last line barely makes sense and it is obvious that you included it just to rhyme. If the reader can see that immediately, as I did, then the entire poem seems amateurish and forced.
Interesting turn - until now, I didn't expect you the narrator to be present at the scene of destruction and this could play out well - , although once again it appears as if you are lecturing to a class and not speaking on a dramatic stage. "So evil and so wicked". These words are maddeningly abstract and juvenile. What is evil and wicked about them?
The rest of the poem suffers from the same mistakes you've made over and over again in the first half. You say that you were haunted, you quivered, etc. These are just words. Unless words can dance with one another to a melody, individual letters mean nothing. Quivering does not tell me anything - shaking uncontrollably to the beat of a thousand angry armies, however, does. This poem is supposed to be about the Kali Yuga, correct? If so, it needs to sound chaotic, not just describe chaos in a boring tone. Give examples throughout the poem (you did so with the children and such, but you need more) and instead of dropping it off into nowhere by saying that it just "ended", describe this ending with full force. Also, please explain what makes you so special to remain as the last man on Earth - are you Manu? Are you a God? There has to be a reason, otherwise it makes no sense.
Hope that helped.
My Review remains the same.
I still think you could have extended the lines and improved language.
And several lines still stumble, try using different phrasings of the words.
Okay, some improvements from before. However, you still have slant rhymes. However, these parts:
You have changed your rhyme schemes completely. Before, you started with ABCB. Now, it's all over the place. AABB, ABAB, AAAA, and ABCB. In poetry, it is generally for the better if you stick with one rhyme scheme. It is less confusing for the reader, and it also is better when you look at it.
Then, the italicized part. In poetry, the punctuation is not confined to the end of it. It can also be used in the middle. Thus, your line would read Just then, tearing the night.,
Well, I see a few improvements but you have other things to work on now. Keep writing!
Still needs fixing. You could now make second part of this poem with you as a main character.
Spike explained that in this topic, look it up
Hi, this is basically going to sound like what everyone else has said but you wanted reviews so I'm giving you reviews
I really liked the wording of this pieace. What is it about exactly? I t kind of makes the reader imagine this horrible place. My favorite stanzas are
Our brave heroes now
Commit murders.
Seeing their wickedness
My heart shudders.
and
The skies darken
As the sun dies
Up in the heavens
Any errors I've found have already been listed so I won't bore you by repeating them. Earie but I like it. well done.
The angels cry.
They really set up the piceace.
I'm sorry, but I have to deny your request. I was immediately drawn away from this because of the scene. I have read SO many poems of hate, anger, chaos, etc. and I am getting pretty sick of them. I'm so sorry.
--clue.
Interesting origin for the work's purpose and direction.
Mentioned previously was the simple rhyming nature of the poem itself.
For this, with its historic connection and chaotic core, a different rhyme scheme and even overall composition would be recommended for it.
This work needed something a bit more in content, and a few lines just kind of stumbled in their rhyming, ruining a few very powerful lines in an otherwise moderately thought out pattern of writing.
I'd fix up the punctuation mistakes and word usage errors already pointed out by the others above me.
Otherwise, this was an interesting piece with a message of predicted catastrophe and visions of grand destruction and disorder.
Good, but could be better.
Also, as Mentioned already, the scheme for this work was very simple, almost annoyingly so.
Oh, and fix punctuation.
plz post reviews!!!plz plz do.
ok thanks for all your reviews
I was waiting for them all day long.
and yes aghast was indeed used incorrectly.
so I edited it. Thnx watervyper.
And about the topic-
Well ancient hindu saints divided time into different periods.
They predicted that a period called Kalyug will come, where there will be total chaos.
After that the world will be destroyed and everything will start a new.
Hence the title of my poem
Heya, and I have to say it's an interesting concept here. However, I'm a little lost on the title. What exactly is it?
Your punctuation is a bit off here. Treat the whole thing like on sentence, until you reach the end of a sentence, of course. Put punctuation where you would normally put it. Also, you have a bit of a problem with your rhyming here. 'Dies' doesn't exactly rhyme with 'Cry'.
Small issue with punctuation, again, but I liked the verse. It was short, simple, and conveyed a sense of hopelessness.
Plenty and scanty look to be slant rhymes to me. To quote Adnamarine, "Slant rhyme is a rhyme that is close, for example ‘maze’ and ‘face’." Again, your punctuation is off.
Here, you have a repetition of 'so'. It makes the flow uneven, and the same effect can be achieved if it is removed. In this type of poetry, only a few words per line, you have to be concise. Also, this looks to be another example of slant rhyme.
This verse was a little strange to me. The flow was different compared to the rest of the piece, and your rhyming sounded forced. It didn't even rhyme that well here. You don't have to stick to a rigid rhyme scheme, but generally, if you're doing that type of poetry, it's best to have a set rhyme scheme and rhythm throughout.
This stanza was also quite strange. The wording is difficult to understand, but other than that, I don't have much. The punctuation bug has again popped up, so I suggest you take a look at this article about punctuation.
Aghast is used incorrectly here. To my knowledge, it is not a noun, but an adjective. It looks like you just threw that in so you could have a rhyme. That isn't good in poetry. And also, you have a switching of tenses. Before, everything was in present tense. Here, it is past. In poetry, it is recommended that you stick to one tense.
So, that's all the nitpicking I could find. This poem has a lot of potential, but you need to clean this up. Fix your punctuation, try and get your rhymes to sound natural, and you'll have a good piece in your hands. Feel free to PM me if anything is unclear!
All this seems too simple. AABB rhyme--->sound little forced (then no rhyme etc.), words, verses. It's just to trivial, like you just throw those line on the paper. Nothing more.