Published September 3, 2008
Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below.
All laughed at me.
A fool they said.
A fool they meant.
They were right.
Who would give his life for the other?
I might.
But now the thief is robbed,
My love I lost.
My tragedy ended.
I lost the one I wanted.
She betrayed me,
"We got to move on." She said.
And now I'm hurt, lying on the ground.
I am the betrayer betrayed.
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140,635 Literary Works • 673,572 Reviews
Lovely poem.
I don't mind that some lines rhyme and others don't honestly. This poem flowed perfectly.
Also, I really like the concept in this poem. 'the betrayer betrayed'. It's a powerful thing to write about. There are so many emotions that can be inputed, and perhaps even dark satirical humor even. It's just brilliant to write about something like this.
powerful ending.
good luck and keep writing. this was a great read.
--knightly
Hey Spike ^^ Shina here once again, and I'm actually not disappointed this time. This was better than my original expectations. This poem is blunt. It's brief and quick just like the idea. It's one of those big ideas written in a few words. I'm actually liking this one since you put meaning into a few words this time. You focused more on quality than quantity. I think you do better with poems without rhyme schemes. When you rhyme, your whole poem gets eaten up and the main idea gets lost. In this poem the idea is left in here and you can see that you have a complex mind. It's pretty interesting. Your personality or feelings are in this in a way. It's a bit hard to read if you don't have a broad mine, but for YWS people it should be easily understood. The idea is good and I like how you understated the topic.
The only thing I'll have to point out other than the lack of structure and rhyme scheme is that you rhymed in the beginning "roared" "soared" and no where else. Stick to a rhyme scheme. Either do rhyme or don't.
~Shina
hi spike here's praisejoe. i just read your poem
and i think its an intresting poem i love the nice flow
and the rhyming used.
Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below.
i also get the message of the poem and it's a sort of
usual experience kind of friends betraying each other.
But i don't know if i got this point right. the last line says
I am the betrayer betrayed
And another line reads
She betrayed me
it quite confused me, i thought you were saying a friend betrayed and then you say you betrayed. well i dont know if im geting it wrong but you can explain i need to understand.PM me if you can. aside this i love your poem
This was mighty good, spike!
The emotions were real and the attitude of the poem very clear. I also might have caught a hidden message in there, about you maybe betrayer her before she betrayed you...? Or that might just be me looking into it more than I should
Anyway, I liked it immensely. You sure have a way with words!
It really HIT HOME with me
I have felt betrayed by many people i trust and love'd'
You have a unique sense of Knowing about you
and you're just 15?
Geez amazed just simply Amazed!
"Thunder roared,
Eagles soared.
Heaven above,
Hell Below."
These lines stood out for me and then the end really nailed it!
well done
Told you I'd review yours!
well hope it was a half decent one ?
"A fool they said.
A fool they meant."
well to be honest I made this line to build a flow, a rythm in the poem.
I also dont know if it makes sense.
and yes you understood the poem well.
I think this poem's not hard to understand or is it?
Hi Spike =] here's a review for you.
The flow of this poem is excellent! You have really, really good rhythm, the poem tugged me along to the end with every word. I'm impressed because I'm really not very good at writing rhythmic poems like this.
There are a few things I could suggest, if you don't mind.
This part is a little bit cliche, maybe. I understand about setting a very dramatic scene, but heaven above and hell below is a well used image, I think it would be better for your poem if you made it more original, more personal to you. Although, as I said before, it does sound out well.
I like this a lot, the repetition of "a fool they" is very effective and sounds excellent. I am not sure what it means exactly though. What I mean is, if they said a fool, wouldn't that already imply that they meant a fool?
I like your rhyme here, it's good because it doesn't come across at all forced or unecessary.
This is the only stanza that is a little bit off, I'm not sure about wanted and ended together, they're sort of a funny-dodgy rhyme if you can see what I mean. However, the meaning behind this stanza is nice so definately don't change it too much.
This is a good ending to the poem. If I have it right then it's a good twist, because it's moved from this fantastical, dramatic scene to a more down to earth, human and emotional thing, the entire poem was a long metaphor for the loss of a loved one. I don't know if that's what you meant, but that's what I thought when I read this.
Anyway, if you have any questions just ask me =]