Priority

Thanks for the reviews guys. I'll try to quickly fix the grammar .

erm, ok spiderman. the poem was good and it gave off a good message, i've got to sya though that the syllables were all over the place, i know you said you weren't a poet and i understand that but you really need to brush up on those; usually, when poets are making a poem that rhymes, the amount of syllables on ach line is almost the same as the others, this keeps the poem flowing correctly to give the greatest affect. on a good note however, the poem did have some nifty rhymes in it. and i thought that was really good considering you're not actually a poet. so like i said before, alot of lines need adjusting to fit in with the syllables and some, not all, but some of the rhymes need to come across as being less forced too.

on the hole: a good poem with a good message but does need a bit of editing. any more advice, or any problems, make sure you pm me.

thatboy

First off, I liked it. It has some pretty ingenious rhymes in it.

Couple quibbles though. Your lack of punctuation was already addressed, so I'll skip it, other then pointing it out.

Also, some of the lines seemed to force the rhythm, which kind of disrupted the poem's flow.

I think that after a little tweaking and reworking, this thing might be magazine ready.

Cheers,
Pros

Hi spiderman,

I don't know the nature of the magazine, but I do believe that this piece will be put into the recycle bin by the editor.

spiderman wrote:There is a boy who lives in a shack
He is very poor and that is a fact

Working all the time like the man is a notoriety
Living life to the fullest should be your top priority

Hey hey, it's smashles here to review!
Okay so first up it's got a very good storyline to it. He sounds like a very lonely man.
Secondly, you need to think about the rythm of the poem. There are some bits that have much less syllables than others and it sounds odd. Try to keep it the same.
Well, that's it from me.
Smashles out.

Cheers!

I'd go and agree with TaulaPaulwic about it being cliche, many of us have heard about it, though many forget. I'm not a grammar focused writer and not any pro at poems, though I'll try to give you the best I can about this.

I'm a person that uses punctuation a very lot, forcing reader to stop where I want him to and read next line while inhaling. We all have different viewpoints, though I was taught to use always use punctuations. In my opinion, you should put coma at the end of 1st line when 2nd line starts with a new sentence without anything to bind it to the 1st ( f.e. and, as ). Your 2nd lines should always end with a dot. It might be new style writing without punctuations, but I harshly refuse it. I'll put some punctuations in your poem below.

There is a boy who lives in a shack,
He is very poor and that is a fact. - It rhymes well, good job. I am hesitant about tenses through the whole poem, so I won't change them. Though I think you should reread this and make sure you wrote the tenses as you wanted.

He is never happy and almost never smiles,
His attitude is not playful but rather hostile. - 'but rather hostile' broke the rhythm here. I know it's real pain to keep the rhythm up and going, but I think this needs a change.

That boy is now a man and it isn’t strange
That over all these years nothing has changed. - Nothing to say here. It's got the rhythm.

He does not cook and does not clean -
For at work is where he is always seen. - I haven't seen For used like this.

He has one goal, one wish
And that is to be rich. - I'd honestly go with 'He has just one wish'

He works quite hard and buys a mansion
And fills it with expensive things of every fashion. - The rhythm goes well here, I was just bugged with the fact second stanza is longer. I even think putting 'quite' before 'hard' might help a bit. Also I thought about using 'Then' instead of 'And' in 2nd stanza to avoid repeating 'and' second time in one stanza.

He has a Hi-definition TV that he will never use,
The most expensive suits and leather shoes.

Yet he still works overtime day and night
And now his body’s stress ended his plight.

He had no one to mourn him or to bid him goodbye,
Alone with his untouched possessions is how he would die.

He worked for nothing like a robot,
His possessions and money remain useless and rot. - A long second stanza. I'd cut it and go with 'His possessions remain useless and rot.'

Any child, man or women can see the man is a fool
He did not follow the golden rule - The rhythm feels a bit odd here. Also, I think there should be 'was' instead of 'is', but then after looking at the whole poem, I'm confused with all the tenses.

Working all the time like the man is a notoriety,
Living life to the fullest should be your top priority.

Lolz . Thank for the review.
"As for the story of the poem I can say only that it was horribly cliched. There's nothing original about this poem, not in the slightest. (Sorry, I write prose, you're going to get my full wrath on this.) If I had a nickle dollars every time I saw a poem or even a book with a plot just like this I would be able to retire on my next birthday. The "old man that dies alone", there is nothing original about that."
Yea i guess it is cliche.

Hey, I don't like poetry, but I feel I may as well review it. It still has to follow the basic rules of grammar... right?

All but one of the verses or sections have no punctuation, this causes a fair amount of confusion when right in the middle of it all I see this.

He has a Hi-definition TV that he will never use,
The most expensive suits and leather shoes