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16+ Language

Of Artefacts and Rebellions

by sphealwithit


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

SCENE 1

EXT. DARK FOREST. NIGHTTIME

Two shadowed figures can be seen huddled around a dwindling campfire, while they talk with hushed voices there conversation seems to be of no importance.

CHARLIE: a tall 21 year old male, with dirty blonde hair, bright amber eyes and an attractive face.

CHARLIE:

So..(he pauses) Why exactly have we stopped here for the night? And why do we have to act so shady?

The character next to Charlie looks up in surprise. The fast movement making Charlie jump back.

LEIGH: A relatively tall 20 year old girl, with light brown hair and pale green eyes. Her skin is extremely pale which makes her stand out even in the darkness.

LEIGH: EXASPERATED

I knew you wouldn't understand, the forest is a good vantage point for the city and, for your information, we're not acting shady, I'm sure a lot of people camp out in a forest wearing cloaks.

Charlie simply stares at Leigh before sighing and lying down for the night. Leigh soon follows but not before checking the area one last time and stomping out the fire.

Leigh is soon fast asleep and snoring quiet loudly. Charlie stays awake, his amber eyes can be seen in the moonlight, worry and excitement are both present within them.

FADE OUT.

EXT. SAME FOREST. EARLY MORNING

Smoke can still be seen rising from what remains of the fire as the air around it is filled with bird song and the distant sound of a church bell.

Charlie is the first to wake up. Slowly his eyes open followed by a long and loud stretching session. He looks over to the sleeping girl beside him.

Using his foot to nudge the bottom of Leigh's leg he mumbles.

CHARLIE:

Come on Leigh, get up. We might reach the city today if you're up before noon.

Incoherent mumbling can be heard from Leigh as the annoyance on Charlies face becomes more and more evident. He continues to nudge her leg, he lets one or two evolve into a swift kick to the shin. This seems to do the trick as Leigh slowly sits up, leaves and twigs in her sleep twisted hair. Charlie tries to hold in his laughter as Leigh stares at him in confusion.

LEIGH: GLARING

What? First of all you abuse me before I get to even wake up, and then you laugh at me. This, Charlie is exactly how you don't treat a lady.

Charlie bends down and slowly picks the leaves and twigs from Leigh's hair all while laughing quietly. Leigh waves her hands wildly.

LEIGH: EXCLAIMING LOUDLY

Stop! Stop! I can do it myself! Get your gross hands away from me please

Charlie pulls back in mock offense. A comfortable silence falls between the two as Leigh stands up. Pulling the hoods of their cloaks over their heads they turn and begin walking in the direction of the church bells.

FADE TO: BLACK

SCENE 2

INT. MAIN LIBRARY. CASTOR RAHEEM'S MANSION. MIDDAY.

Sunlight filtering in through the wooden slated windows makes the large amounts of dust floating through the room more noticeable. Even a well looked after library has a dust problem.

Off screen,three voices can be heard coming from outside the door. The mumbled voice grows louder as the door slowly opens.

OLIVER: A short man in his early thirties, balding slightly from the front and dressed in a decadent robe.

OLIVER: (O.S.)

So as we have informed you Lord Mayor, our sources have gathered that the rebellion has been totally obliterated.

Three old men enter the large library.

CASTOR RHAEEM: a small man in his late sixties, a bald head and a crooked smile, with bright red robes that stretch to his feet, making him look as if he was floating. His piercing blue eyes survey the room, eventually his eyes land on his most prized possession.

CASTOR: GRINNING

So that means that the book is safe? There won't be any other issues surrounding it?

As Castor strokes the cover of the ancient looking book, Oliver and the other man look at each other with sideways glances. A silent conversation.

OLIVER: SIGHING

My Lord we are still unsure as to the motives behind the rebellion, we believe it has nothing to do with the artifact.

Castor freezes. Looking over his shoulder he shoots a glare at Oliver. Oliver's shoulders visibly tense up though his face hides his fear. Castor walks slowly, almost gently over to Oliver. His face is the picture of pure rage. Suddenly he reveals a cane that he had been hiding in his robes and lunges straight for Oliver.

The cane stops right before Oliver's face, his faced scrunched in fear.

CASTOR: YELLING

What other reason would my people have to rebel against me?!

The question was obviously meant to be rhetorical. Oliver remains silent and motionless. Faint noises of the city and Castors heavy breathing are all that can be heard.

CASTOR: YELLING

I know why they did this! There can be no other explanation!

OLIVER: QUIETLY

No my lord, not at all. I apologize for assuming, it was not my place.

CASTOR: LOWERING HIS CANE

Mmm, well next time I wont stop 'till I have hit your face Oliver.

Oliver bows his head avoiding eye contact with Castor. Castor heads back to his book, opening it carefully and with a look of pure delight on his face.

CASTOR:

You there, what's your name again?

Castor points behind Oliver to the third man in the room.

THEO: A heavy set man, with short and greasy raven black hair. He is carrying some parchment and a quill.

THEO:

I-It's Theo my lord. I'm your scribe. I've been with you for- Ah!

Theo falls silent after Oliver hits him over the head with his hand.

CASTOR: DEEP IN THOUGHT

Whoever you are, make sure to send a message to my adoring public, let them know why this little rebellion failed.

Theo immediately begins to write.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 3

EXT. DUSTY EDGE OF FOREST PATH-EARLY MORNING

Leigh and Charlie emerge from the dense forest. The brightness of the sun makes them squint. They stop walking and notice the dense crowds of people that are heading towards the city. Most appear to be farmers heading into the city to sell goods. They both look at each other, they definitely stand out in what they're wearing.

LEIGH:

You have the papers right?

Her voice is tinged with a bit of nervousness. Charlie gives a slight nod in reply, his eyes are scanning the crowds, his face is one of concern.

LEIGH:

What's wrong? You're starting to scare me.

Leigh's eyes then begin to scan the crowd, her eyebrows raised in confusion as she fails to see what has gotten Charlie so worried.

CHARLIE:

I'll tell you while we walk.

His voice is quiet, Leigh has to strain her ears just to listen to it. They join up with the farmers walking on the main road, there traveling clothes stick out against the dull Grey's of the farmers. They walk in silence. Leigh glancing up at Charlie every so often to see his jaw is clenched and his eyes are still scanning the road. Eventually he speaks.

CHARLIE:

It seems strange to me that there only seems to be farmers here, it's probably nothing though.

Leigh nods at Charlie, it did seem strange. The pair continue to walk in silence both now have their guards up, they have tensed up so much that it becomes visible. After some time walking they arrive at the main gate to the city.

Ten meter high walls are what greet the pair. Made from some sort of Grey brick they are imposing to say the least. Three guards are placed in-front of the main gate, spears pointed upwards with the sunlight gleaming off the metal.

GUARD 1: YELLING

Alright people you know the drill. Papers out and ready for inspection!

The farmers in-front of Leigh and Charlie quietly remove torn and old looking documents from small satchels on their waists. Charlie pulls out two brand new looking pieces of parchments from his bag. Once they reach the main gate the guard eyes them suspiciously.

GUARD 1:

Ain't too often we get people like you showing up here. Papers please.

Charlie hands the guard the two documents, the guard rips them from his hands, Leigh's hand twitches, heading for her sword.

GUARD 1:

Merchant's? Really? You two look a tad young to be here on your own. And one of you is a little lady no less.

Leigh grits her teeth in anger, a small growl escapes her lips. Charlie places his hand in-front of her.

CHARLIE:

Well sir I can assure you we are just here to sell some foreign goods and nothing else, it'll just be for a few days.

The guard glares at Charlie. Waving another guard over they both glance at the documents. The guard then sighs and hands Charlie back the papers.

GUARD 1:

I see nothing wrong with them. Let them in!

The guards in the background slowly raise the iron gate behind them, its hinges ring with age making Leigh and Charlie grimace at the sharp noise.

FADE OUT

SCENE 4

FADE IN:

EXT. INSIDE CITY- MIDDAY

Leigh and Charlie walk past the guards calmly, it is clear that Leigh is annoyed however she walks past the guards in silence, her eyes glaring at the ground.

CHARLIE:

Well that was an experience and a half.

Leigh remains silent.

CHARLIE:

Forget what he said, since when did a mans opinion ever affect you like this?

Still Leigh remains silent. Sighing Charlie continues.

CHARLIE:

Well, lets get this show on the road shall we?

CUT TO:

INT. A SMALL TAVERN AT THE CENTER OF THE CITY- EARLY AFTERNOON

Charlie and Leigh open the old wooden door to the tavern, a large amount of smoke can be seen billowing out as they enter. Leigh has covered her mouth with her hand. They walk past the crowded tables and head straight for the bar.

BARMAN: A ragged looking man with shaggy white hair, a toothless grin and inquisitive eyes.

The barman cleans a glass with his own spit, before eyeing both Leigh and Charlie up.

BARMAN:

Ah! New costumers I see's. Can't say I ever seen you're faces roun' here before.

His toothless smiles stays on Leigh a moment too long.

CHARLIE:

Well I'm not surprised, we're merchants visiting the city. First time here.

The barman lets out a hearty laugh, wiping a fake tear from his eye. Charlie looks taken aback.

BARMAN:

Sorry son, but that's rich; ain't no merchants I ever seen that look like you too. Especially with one being no more than a lil' girl.

He continues to laugh as Leigh slams her fists on the bar top.

LEIGH: THROUGH GRITTED TEETH

Don't little girl me. I could cut right through you if I wanted to.

Charlie laughs uncomfortably as the Barman looks at Leigh terrified. He then turns to Charlie as if asking for help.

CHARLIE:

Shes quite capable of handling herself.... eh sorry I didn't quite catch your name.

The barman looks confused.

GREGGORY:

Well that's 'cause you never asked. The names Greggory son, and that young lady needs to calm down and take a joke. Not often we get pretty adventurers but you can ignore my ramblings.

Charlie sighs and shakes his head. Leigh remains silent.

CHARLIE:

Look, since you can clearly tell that we aren't merchants, we'd like to ask you some questions.

Greggory snorts a little but nods his head in agreement.

CHARLIE:

First of all, you got any rooms free? We'll only be staying a week. Secondly, you know anything about Castor Rhaeem?

Greggory stares at Charlie, the room seems to fall completely silent even though no one has heard their conversation.

GREGGORY:

That's a dangerous question you're asking. No one really talks about the mayor 'round here, most of my customers are too scared to. But since I hate the man and care nothing for my life what do you wanna know?

Leigh looks up at Greggory. Charlie looks indecisive. They are now both staring at the ragged man behind the bar.

LEIGH:

I honestly can't tell if you're being serious here. No one ever answers that question so directly.

Greggory shrugs and looks down at the glass he has been cleaning since Leigh and Charlie arrived. Leigh snaps out of her confusion before Charlie.

LEIGH:

So, if you have no qualms to answering a 'lil girls questions I'm sure you have lots of information stored in that head of yours.

Greggory again just laughs quietly and shakes his head.

GREGGORY:

No qualms here young lady, I get a lot of people in here and as of late I've been asked to participate in a business transaction that in the end would benefit everyone in this goddamn city.

Both Leigh and Charlie lean in closer to Greggory. He leans in too, mostly out of confusion. There's a moment of awkward silence.

GREGGORY: WHISPERING

What are we doing? All huddled in like this?

CHARLIE: ALSO WHISPERING

We're trying to be covert, so not everyone and his mother can hear us.

Greggory nods but pulls his head out of the huddled group.

GREGGORY:

No need to worry friends, no one in this bar cares about Castor, in fact I probably wouldn't be wrong in saying that they all want him dead.

Charlie and Leigh nod their heads, not knowing what else to say they let Greggory speak.

GREGGORY:

Well this business transaction, it's basically a storage deal. I keep the entrance to the rebels base hidden underneath this ol' bar here and they pay me in gold once they topple Castor.

Charlie begins taking notes which makes Greggory pause for a moment before he continues.

GREGGORY:

You'll see tomorrow lad. I'll let them know that you're interested in speaking with them and they should probably let you sit in on some meeting or another. Sound fair?

Charlie nods, putting his notebook away.

LEIGH:

Oh and you never told us how much the rooms would be.

Greggory turns to look at Leigh. He flicks through an old book containing room numbers and amounts of money.

GREGGORY:

I've only got a double free. Sixteen gold for seven days. You two okay with sharing?

Sighing both Leigh and Charlie agree. The slide Greggory the money and they both head upstairs to rest.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 5

INT. DOUBLE ROOM ABOVE BAR-EARLY MORNING

Leigh and Charlie are lying in bed, both awkwardly staring at the ceiling. A pillow divides the bed in half. Leigh is first to break the silence.

LEIGH:

For someone who seems so calm all the time you sure do flail in your sleep a lot.

Charlie laughs at her remark and slowly sits up.

CHARLIE:

Avert thine eyes Leigh, unless you wanna see me get dressed.

His tone is suggestive as he winks at Leigh. Leigh throws a pillow over her face and gives him a thumbs up. A signal that she can no longer see him.

CHARLIE:

I'm a little hurt by your actions.

Leigh lifts the pillow so that her mouth is free.

LEIGH:

And your existence good sir, hurts me so we're even.

They both chuckle and continue to get ready for the day.

FADE TO:

INT. CASTOR RHAEEM'S STUDY- EARLY MORNING

Castor can be seen sitting at a large wooden desk, carved with ornate designs and covered in papers. He appears to be hard at work. A soft knock at the door causes his head to lift quickly.

CASTOR: YELLING

Yes! Who is it?

A quiet reply is heard from behind the door.

OLIVER: (O.S.)

It's me sir, Oliver. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Castor squints his eyes in confusion as he looks towards the door.

CASTOR:

Come in, what is this bad news of yours?

His voice sounds tired but still carries an air of authority. The door opens quietly and Oliver enters. His head bowed low and a small piece of parchment in his hands. He stands awkwardly before castors desk.

CASTOR:

Well? What is it man? Speak up.

He looks up, fumbles with the parchment before continuing to read it.

OLIVER:

Well sir, our guards at the main gate have sent a letter. It says they are concerned about two merchants who entered the city yesterday.

Castor looks straight at Oliver, silently telling him to keep talking.

OLIVER:

Well while their papers checked out, one of the guards recognized their faces, he claims they're the two adventurers that you have been warned about sir, the ones that have stolen many artifacts before and claiming to give them back to their original owners.

Castor glares straight through Oliver, as if he does not see him. Castor sighs deeply before allowing Oliver to finish.

OLIVER:

If this is true sir, then an attack on our fortress is due any day.

Castor laughs hard. He throws his head back as a cackle erupts from his throat. Oliver steps back.

CASTOR:

Then let them come, lets surprise them shall we?

Oliver looks concerned as Castor rises from his chair and heads to the window. A disgusting smile stretched across his face.

FADE TO:BLACK

SCENE 6

INT: GREGGORY'S TAVERN- MIDDAY.

Charlie and Leigh sit at the bar, Charlie has a map of the city spread out in front of him, Leigh pays close attention to what he is saying.

CHARLIE:

It's a simple scouting mission really. Look for weak points in the guards rotation and any places in the wall which would be best for climbing. Try not to draw too much attention to yourself ok?

Leigh scoffs.

LEIGH:

Yea yea I know. You sure this little rebellion is gonna be our way in? I mean we don't know how reliable they are.

Charlie folds up the map and stands up from the bar before grabbing Leigh's shoulder lightly. He gives her a reassuring smile.

CHARLIE:

Don't worry I'm sure they know what they're doing. Now go, we don't have all day.

Leigh pushes his hand away playfully before turning and leaving the bar.

CUT TO:

EXT. CASTORS FORTRESS WALLS- MIDDAY

Leigh mingles with the crowds of wealthy citizens who are shopping in the most high end part of town. Pretending to look at merchants wears while getting a close look at the ten meter high walls surrounding Castor's impressive mansion.

Trying to remember every route Charlie showed her Leigh zones out walking on auto pilot. Without noticing it Leigh accidentally stares at the guards for too long.

GUARD 1: (O.S.)

Hey little girl! See something you like? You sure seem interested.

The yelling breaks Leigh out of her trance. She shakes her head to clear the fog as she looks directly at the guard who yelled at her. She notices that the yelling came from a group of three guards patrolling the bottom of the wall.

LEIGH:

The interesting thing is absolutely not you three gentlemen I can assure you of that.

She walks closer to the guards. Her face is one of pure annoyance. The guards laugh as she comes closer.

GUARD 1:

What you think you're doing? Have an interest in walls or maybe a man in uniform?

The guards friends laugh loudly, their faces red from drinking alcohol. Leigh just rolls her eyes.

GUARD 2:

Ma-maybe she's part of the rebellion. Look how tough she's actin'

With her hand precociously on her sword Leigh laughs awkwardly with the guards.

LEIGH:

Can't a lady just admire these walls while shopping? Or can a lady not report three drunken guards to their supervisor?

She smiles. At this statement the guards stop laughing.

GUARD 1:

Was that a threat? Ain't no one shopping here with those merchants clothes girly. What ya really here for eh?

Breathing out slowly Leigh reaches for the main guards neck, grabbing it and squeezing she throws him backwards right into the other guards. Laughing she throws her hood over her head and makes a run for it.

Leigh runs through the narrow streets, the yells of the guards fading behind her. She takes a hard left into a small back alley in order to catch her breath however in her panic she doesn't realize it leads to a dead end.

As the voices get louder she tries to run but hits the wall. Shaking her head she freezes as three shadows appear on the wall in front of her. She hears all three run at her at once and again she breaths out slowly.

Calmly she pulls her sword from its sheath and with one clean strike to her left hand side she lands a clean hit across one guards stomach, he screams in pain as he falls to the ground bleeding.

The remaining guards freeze before regaining their composure and running at Leigh simultaneously. Leigh strikes one in the neck before spinning and pinning the remaining guard against the wall. He cries as he sees his comrades on the floor.

LEIGH:

They aren't dead, I didn't hit them hard enough. And unless you wanna end up like them I suggest you listen.

The guard swallows hard and nods.

LEIGH:

Two things. I really hate it when men assume I can't fend for myself because I'm a woman. Secondly I really was just admiring the walls but if you tell anyone what happened to your friends here, next time the cuts won't be so shallow. Got it?

The guard nods, seemingly thankful to Leigh for not killing him. Leigh smiles sweetly before sprinting out of the alley way and disappearing into the crowds.

FADE TO:

INT. UNDERNEATH GREGGORY'S TAVERN- EARLY AFTERNOON.

Charlie stands awkwardly next to three hooded figures. Charlie holds the only torch and yet their faces are still shrouded in darkness. They bring him to a small makeshift war room, filled with maps and general city info-structure. His eyes widen at the sheer amount of information they have gathered.

CHARLIE:

The amount of information in here is incredible, it must have taken you at least two years to gather it all.

Charlie walks around the room, his eyes scanning every piece of parchment. Light laughter can be heard from two of the hooded figures.

HOODED FIGURE 1:

We're glad you approve. After all we have heard the stories of you and your comrade.

Charlie turns around, a confused look on his face.

CHARLIE:

Stories? I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.

The figures stall for a moment before one speaks.

HOODED FIGURE 1:

Ah so you have not heard? The bards tell tales of a young adventurous couple a boy with amber eyes and a girl with a fiery temper. They gather stolen artifacts in search of knowledge. Is this not you?

Charlie smiles lightly at how they described Leigh.

CHARLIE:

It does sound like us. Didn't think anyone was paying attention to us. I feel quite stupid for not noticing before.

Charlie sits on one of the makeshift chairs. The hooded figures do the same.

HOODED FIGURE 1:

Well if it really is you then we will be glad to have you on our side. Even if it is to fulfill your own personal needs.

Charlie looks at the ground when he hears the comment. Looking up again when the main hooded figure laughs.

HOODED FIGURE 1:

I would be lying however if I didn't notice most of my men are only in it for their own gains. If you steal the artifact you may keep it, however all blame must be placed on this rebellion. Great publicity no?

Charlie laughs and nods his head in agreement.

CHARLIE:

Sounds fair to me. Midnight tonight at the fortress walls then? Hopefully Leigh was successful with her scouting.

All three hooded figures nod at the same time. Charlie tries to hide the uncomfortable feeling he gets when they move. Standing up he leaves the room and heads back to the bar, the torch flickering in the darkness.

FADE OUT:

SCENE 7

INT. CHARLIE AND LEIGH'S ROOM- LATE AFTERNOON.

Charlie glares down at Leigh, who sits with a satisfied grin on her face. The map of the city sits crumpled between the two of them on the floor.

LEIGH:

I don't see why you're so mad. I did what you asked me to, those walls will be a breeze tonight you'll see.

Leigh continues to grin as Charlie begins to shake with anger.

CHARLIE: YELLING

Everytime! Everytime, I tell you not to draw attention to yourself. And every single god damn time what do you do? huh? You draw attention to yourself!

Leigh looks taken aback. It is clear that she is not used to Charlie yelling this much. She shrinks into herself slightly, kicking the map on the floor.

CHARLIE:

Do you think before you act? What would I have done if they arrested you? Think about your own safety for once, this isn't like our other jobs. The mayor of this town is really dangerous, you're the best fighter I know but you aren't invincible.

He throws himself onto the bed next to a wide eyed Leigh. He looks at her with concern. Silence fills the room.

CHARLIE:

I'm not losing you on this one.

Leigh bits her lip before lunging forward and pulling Charlie into a tight hug. He sits frozen for a moment before wrapping his arms around her.

LEIGH:

You're a dumb sentimental idiot.

Leigh's voice is quiet as she sniffles lightly. Charlie smiles.

CHARLIE:

And you're the dumb person who hugged me and thinks I can't hear her voice breaking so I guess we're equal.

They stay like that for a while. A comfortable silence fills the room, the sounds of the city are dulled by the closed window.

FADE TO: BLACK

SCENE 8

EXT. WALLS SURROUNDING CASTORS MANSION- MIDNIGHT.

Charlie and Leigh stand next to a small group of seven men and women. All are dressed in black clothing. Leigh stares at the top of the walls nervously, there hasn't been a patrol in ten minuets.

LEIGH:

We should climb now, they will probably be around in another ten minuets or so.

They all nod in acknowledgment. Quickly they all throw grappling hooks to the top of the wall, pulling on them to make sure they stay secure. Leigh ties the rope to her waist she turns to look at Charlie who seems to be struggling with the rope. She quickly ties it for him, he smiles grateful for the help.

Once they all reach the top of the wall, they hide behind the decorative pillars. Leigh checks if they are clear to move and with a swift nod they all run for a small door at the side of the mansion.

Charlie and Leigh say their goodbyes as they split with the main group and head for the main library. Heading up a grand staircase and through winding corridors with only a small candle to guide them they wordlessly make their way to the grand oak doors of the main library.

Taking a deep breath Leigh sneaks over to the door expecting to find it locked but she frowns in confusion when she discovers its not. She waves Charlie over, he also frowns. Deciding to open the door anyway Leigh has her sword at the ready as both hold their breath. A small breeze from inside the library is the only noise.

Crouching down they head into the darkness. They walk towards the front row of books before they are startled by the library door slamming shut. Suddenly the entire room is brought to life by candle light, both Leigh and Charlie squint. A chuckle reverberates around the room. Followed by a deep and commanding voice from somewhere above them.

The room is deafeningly silent.

CASTOR: (O.S.)

Took me for a fool did you? What a dumb move you've made.


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135 Reviews


Points: 615
Reviews: 135

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Sun May 28, 2017 2:41 pm
Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here for a review.

I will skip over the nitpicks since wriskypump has already pointed them out.

Before I get to content, let me just point out that for the formatting of a screenplay, the dialogue is centered along with the character name for who is talking. Also formatting, the font is 12 pt courier. Last thing about formatting, the "fade to's" are left aligned.

Now for content. I loved the story that you told. I can't wait to read more. I think this would look really good in film.

The only negative thing that I have to say (disregarding the nitpicks that wriskypump has already gotten to, which I agree with) is that you didn't include camera angles. Camera angles can help a lot. If you need any information about camera angles, pm me and I can lead you on your way. (I've written a 13 page short scene for one of my writing classes recently, so I still have the links if you want them).

Overall, this is really nice and I can't wait for more. Only a little formatting editing and adding camera angles and then it looks like a final draft to me. Legacy.




sphealwithit says...


Thanks for the review :) The formatting is more an uploading issue, i have it properly set out from the software I used. As for camera angles, in class we were told to not include them I dunno if that's a preference thing or not I will have to look it up. Thanks for the points though :)



Thisislegacy says...


I didn't know if it was publishing center or you, so I pointed it out. And I was taught to use camera angles. I would look online at popular scripts (they are easy to find, I can give you a link to a site that has tons) and see what they do.

Personally I prefer camera angles in scripts because they help the audience see how close or far away they are from the action/ setting.



sphealwithit says...


Thanks i'll try and use them in the future :)



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129 Reviews


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Reviews: 129

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Sat May 27, 2017 1:31 am
Wriskypump wrote a review...



I kind of took a little skim over this before deciding to go into the review. It looked like a fun little ride, and good dialogue on the way. For starters, I like how you describe the characters upon their entering. Most authors will leave that out of the script, and it can be messy and frustrating trying to piece it together on our reader's end. :) And So we're off

"Two shadowed figures can be seen huddled around a dwindling campfire, while they talk with hushed voices there conversation seems to be of no importance." - You need some kind of pause after voices. It's probably best a period, but you could do a semi-colon. Their should also be that kind, because it is possessive in this case, and not a place.

Leigh is soon fast asleep and snoring quiet loudly." - Haha, it would be quite loudly. If she was snoring quiet loudly, quite the paradox it would be!

" Incoherent mumbling can be heard from Leigh as the annoyance on Charlies face becomes more and more evident. He continues to nudge her leg, he lets one or two evolve into a swift kick to the shin. This seems to do the trick as Leigh slowly sits up, leaves and twigs in her sleep twisted hair. " - The first sentence is just a great way to say it, "becomes more and more evident." sleep-twisted should probably have that hyphen included there.

"Off screen,three voices can be heard coming from outside the door. " - The comma is too close together, as you can see. :)

"As Castor strokes the cover of the ancient looking book, Oliver and the other man look at each other with sideways glances. A silent conversation." - Absolutely. Solid.

"Castor heads back to his book, opening it carefully and with a look of pure delight on his face." - It would sound cooler if you switched one little thing. Replace the and with a comma. Well you don't even necessarily have to have a comma actually. "!")

What's wrong? You're starting to scare me." - I don't think there's need to say the 2nd sentence. "What's wrong?" She scans the crowd in attempts to figure it out. I think that stands alone well.

" The pair continue to walk in silence both now have their guards up, they have tensed up so much that it becomes visible. " - Put a comma after silence, and put a period following guards up.

"Merchant's? Really?" - Merchants ;) probably a typo

"its hinges ring with age making Leigh and Charlie grimace at the sharp noise." - Comma after age,

"Forget what he said, since when did a mans opinion ever affect you like this?" - man's

"The barman lets out a hearty laugh, wiping a fake tear from his eye." - AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Tha fake Tear!! The fake Tear!! OHhhhhH, OHhh, it's too much, AHAHAHA!!! *pounds the table with my fist*

" Charlie and Leigh nod their heads, not knowing what else to say they let Greggory speak." - Make that comma a period.

"The slide Greggory the money and they both head upstairs to rest." - First word should be they. Typo

"I'm a little hurt by your actions.
Leigh lifts the pillow so that her mouth is free." - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Got MeAGIAN!!

"And your existence good sir, hurts me so we're even. " - put at least a comma after me,

"Then let them come, lets surprise them shall we?" - let's

" Leigh mingles with the crowds of wealthy citizens who are shopping in the most high end part of town. Pretending to look at merchants wears while getting a close look at the ten meter high walls surrounding Castor's impressive mansion." - swap that period after town for a comma. Wares, when you're talking about goods, is like that I believe.

"Trying to remember every route Charlie showed her Leigh zones out walking on auto pilot. Without noticing it Leigh accidentally stares at the guards for too long." - Comma after Charlie showed her. Then comma after noticing it.

"The interesting thing is absolutely not you three gentlemen I can assure you of that.
She walks closer to the guards. Her face is one of pure annoyance. The guards laugh as she comes closer." - Comma after three gentlemen,

GUARD 1:

"What you think you're doing? Have an interest in walls or maybe a man in uniform?
The guards friends laugh loudly, their faces red from drinking alcohol. Leigh just rolls her eyes." - Comma after walls, and guard's is a single guard's ownership of his friends

"Was that a threat? Ain't no one shopping here with those merchants clothes girly. What ya really here for eh?" - Merchant's

"before sprinting out of the alley way and disappearing into the crowds." - alleyway is all one thing

"Taking a deep breath Leigh sneaks over to the door expecting to find it locked but she frowns in confusion when she discovers its not." - Comma after breath, comma after locked, and it's the contraction for it is

So I really was quite drawn into this. Lost myself, actually, engorging into the fantasy. Is this going to be a novel, or a little novella or what? I enjoyed. I very much was in good company with these simple and hearty and peaceful characters. You got 2 laughs out of me along the way, which is hard to do. Thanks for the time you put into this, It comes to life, and it's different from a lot of stuff I read. I like your style a lot! It's top of the line. I can't wait to find out what Castor has prepared for them!

PM me anytime if you want someone to review any work you come out with!




sphealwithit says...


Oh my god. Thank you so much! I plan on making it into a real screenplay someday. Your comments were very helpful and so nice :) I'm glad I made you laugh that was the plan :)



Wriskypump says...


So tell me this is going to continue tho? At least with a sequel? I need to know what Castor tries on them. For his trap has worked so far!



sphealwithit says...


Yea i am writing it as we speak, might take a while though haha :)




That there's some good in this world, Mr Frodo - and it's worth fighting for.
— Samwise Gamgee