meen peeple arent nice
their heads are prolly full with lice
and they prolly play with dice
which is bad becoz gambling is evil
like those bugs in bad food you get called weevils
that are groos and ooze when you slice
into them accidentally and then you feed them to mice
becoz eating stuff like that woldnt be nice
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Pfft, nice one!
Alright, so what is this thing we have here. You're being snide, cute, and coy because you can be. This is a little ball of fecund maggot growths with the only real prerogative in its little span of creation to snub the nose at anyone and everyone who reads it; it should not in any way be taken seriously.
But guess what? Because you tried to make this witty and "lol-cat" funny, it is taken seriously, and I have to say, I admire the flimsy and sarcastic humour of this piece. And to be totally honest, it's a clear and easy to follow poem. It's not confusing and a maze of bad images and overly loud voice.
Watch your misspellings though, we'll call it Internet colloquialisms to make you look all justified, because you push our ability to read the words and that's not what you want. You don't want to push the boundary of a signifier, you simply want to dress it up in a clown suit and have other funny looking things dressed up in clown suits making fun of things in Dante/Saint-Saens style.
I mean it by the way, nice little piece with charm and wit, not overly pretentious in its own surreptitious way of generalizing; it doesn't preach nor try to be anything other than it is, just watch how it gets sloppy in transitions and choice of form. Next time you try a form of satire, slowly build with your progressions and foundation set here, I think you have something in this mold, so don't rush yourself.
Hello, hon!
Instead of the way that you have it written, which is a bit awkward because "slice" leads to the prepositional phrase on the next line, and a pause indicated by a line break between "slice" and "into" would confuse the reader. It's much more natural to put a pause after "accidentally", because in a normal sentence, that's where a comma would go. Though I do praise you for spelling "accidentally" correctly! A lot of people have trouble with that word.The user above me has some good points about it. What I'd also like to say is that this poem seems very incoherent. You start off with "meen peeple arent nice" (which is, in itself, a bit redundant and a tossaway line for me). Then you devolve into describing what weevils are like when you slice into them - unless you're describing what mean people are like when you slice into them, which I doubt.
What I noticed first (after the spelling and all) was likely the rhyme. First three lines, then middle two, then last three. That rhyme could work if you put something into it, but it doesn't in the way the poem's written now. For example, the sixth and seventh lines seem rather incoherent. The reader, reading this out loud, would enunciate it as
I think that if you put the line breaks where natural pauses would go and didn't try to force the rhyme, then this poem would be shaping up.
But don't relax! We're not done yet! There's a long road on the path to poetic greatness.
As Kyll said, rhythm is a big thing if you really want your poem to rhyme. Your first two lines are good, but then you go off into a ramble, and your longest line has fifteen syllables, while your shortest has... four? Five? You might want to find a nice median and fit your words around the poetry. Don't just throw in words for the sake of rhythm and rhyme; choose the words that really fit. If the word doesn't fit the poem, then the poem isn't truly good. It's just... there.
I don't know what kind of rhythm you would like to go for (an iambic meter or anything), but this poem could... definitely use some. Rhythm is good when you want a rhyme, keep in mind! It can help reinforce the poem's message and meaning.
As my final statement, since I am at a true loss for words on this, I would like to say that you have potential. Maybe not in this poem, a scrambled mess of feelings as it is, but you have potential. I would take you by the shoulders and shake you if it made any difference, but hear this: I believe that you can get better. I believe that you can do something great some day. I believe that of everyone; we all have potential for greatness. Me, you, everyone. Just exercise your talent correctly. If you get in the habit of doing things in a way that's wrong for you, you could harm yourself and everyone around you. Find where you fit with poetry, prose, writing, and become great.
End lame pep rally type speech. Just keep it in mind. Also, if you'd like, I could help you with spelling, punctuation, and grammar? Just message me. ^^
Hello there, spazz. I'll be reviewing you this fine day. Be prepared.
First off, I'd like to mention your spelling and punctuation. Right now, both are rather terrible, to put it bluntly. Whenever you write something to share it with others, it's always a good idea to proofread your writing to make sure things are spelled and punctuated properly. It makes it easier for people to read your writing.
Now, in this case, it looks like you wrote this as a spur-of-the-moment thing, to vent feelings. If that's the case, next time, I suggest keeping it to yourself. With poems as personal as this, emotions run high, so if someone points out something wrong with your piece, it will really hurt. If you've let your poem sit for a couple of days and you still want to share it, posting it in your blog is always a good idea.
Just remember that the poems posted in the forums are going to be critiqued, and try not to take comments about them personally. Also remember that reviewers are critiquing your poem and not you. :)
The next thing I'd like to mention is your rhyming. Right now, it's pretty obvious that you picked words to end lines with just because they rhymed and not because they made sense. Another thing is that, even though the ending words rhyme, the lines on a whole don't rhyme because their lengths are so different. For example: "meen peeple arent nice / and they prolly have lice" rhymes because both lines have about the same number of syllables. The rest of the lines in the poem that are supposed to rhyme, however... All those lines have different syllable counts, so none of them feel like they rhyme.
Rhythm is a very important part of rhyming poetry, and not having a solid, consistent rhythm will make your rhyme not work.
Sometimes, poems just don't work if you try to make them rhyme. In those cases, its best to just get rid of the rhyme entirely. Contrary to what you may have been taught, not all poems need to rhyme. :)
Overall, try spelling and punctuating properly and making sure your rhymes make sense in the meaning of the poem. Also, if you are going to rhyme, make sure that the rhyming lines match up in rhythm. One easy way to do that is to count syllables.