Young Writers Society

I don't know why you think this is mediocre, it's quite excellent! I love the phrasing and the nihilistic overarching tone of the whole poem. My favorite type of poetry!

As for thoughts, I might consider either removing or moving the first line. In my opinion, removing it would allow for us to be taken *right in* to your story starting seemingly mid-conversation. If you wanted to lean into that vibe, you could even consider change tenses so it's much more present. For example,

i tell her i will
never come back here.
i guess that makes me boring,
but i like to think of it as
painfully self-aware.

Much of your poem wouldn't need edited to carry on this change.

My most favorite part of the whole poem, which is honestly the focal point of the whole thing is stanzas 4 & 5. These lines are EXCELLENT (not to say the others aren't, but this is really where the meat of your poem is and where your creativity really shines). During future editing, if you're struggling to get this poem exactly where you want it, I would look to these lines as source material.


Overall, great poem and fantastic imagery. Nice work!

Hi spatula!

This is so conversational and yet so powerful at the same time. That's amazing :')

Everything is very stream of consciousness and I think that's admirable. It feels very effortless! There's a lot of things happening, but it never feels like too much. The tone is casual, but at the same time, it feels very serious. I'm usually not into heavy nonchalance like this, but I think you've made it work in your favor!

I love the specificity here too! The references to relationships could've worked on their own, but the narrowed down girlfriend is way more complementary. It's straightforward, but it still leaves some room for interpretations! My first impression was that the landlord figure and the girlfriend are not meant to be taken literally, and they're actually supposed to represent conflicting emotions. Maybe something to do with moving away/"making it back to the midwest" as the title suggests!

Girlfriend = free will, moving on, acceptance: Midwest personified
Landlord = fear of change, control of surroundings: staying in California

I don't actually know what to critique here! I think the ending has a different feel to it than the rest of the poem, but I don't mind it. It's very "living one day at a time" and that's fitting! The poem is fickle in places, but I like how it reads.

The other people were definitely right! This is extremely profound! =D

— Solstice

Very nice poem! I love it!
It’s nice reading a poem about a girl instead of a boy this time, something new, I like that.

By giving a location at the start, it was easier for the reader to imagine how the lyrical-me’s surroundings look like which really compliments the “realistic” tag you chose.
Your straightforward wording with relatable topics really embrace the imagination of the reader, leaving it more less open but more profound what troubles the lyrical-me so much. the profundity of the topics you chose to address really add depth and express the stress and worries of the lyrical-me very well. The climax of them also keeps increasing throughout the poem which I personally like a lot. You gently show the worries of that lyrical-me to the reader without slapping them into the face with them and stunning/overwhelming them.
As soon as you started addressing love as a topic, the reader’s understanding, who already pitied the lyrical-me, of that lyrical-me increased and the reader could really feel that tragic sense of loneliness.
Lastly the end gently brought the reader’s drifting mind back to reality in a very nice manner.

I really loved that poem and agree with IcyFlame, it is really nice and pretty to read. Pretty and profound, I love that!

I am no poet so this is not a review but my profound thought is:
This was pretty. Me like.