Published December 1, 2010
"My life and all others are inter-twined.Nothing can compare to me, yet I am stuck at the bottom.
I am no ordinary shadow, but the one cast by all that you think you know.
When you figure out what I am I will applaud you, but for now, you can only know nothing.
Do you really want to know what I am? For if you do, then you should turn away from all that you think is real."
"I am everything in the human life,
I am not heaven nor hell,good nor evil,
I am the shadow cast by the human mind,
and I shall remain that way forever,
all of eternity shall pass by but I will never leave,
you can beg and grovel at my feet but it won't make a difference,
when you talk and ask to much i will reveal myself,
and when you see me....It will already be too late..."
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Canary word: Present
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
This is a cool poem. I don't really have any nitpicks. By the way - welcome to YWS!!
Keep writing!
Alzora
Hey,
The only exception if it is I, by itself.
I know this is your first post but i'm going to honest with you, okay?
Well my first point would have to be it is a little short. Most good poems would have an opening stanza, where as, you have finished the poem. Try and elaborate and expand.
My second point would be, the bold, underlining, itlaics stuff. For me, I would get rid of it. It is distracting to look at and puts emaphasis on different words, where frankly, emphasis is not needed. Strip it back so you get truly judges on content as just by making it look pretty doesn't count.
I would take another look at your punctuation. One or two of the commas' could become periods and make it easier to read, other than it just being a rambling sentence.
Then, the actual poem. It has no point, really. Okay you have said that it is a shadow. . . and that's it. You have basically just listed opposites. It just doesn't work. It doesn't seem like a poem, purely because you have not given us reason to see it like one, try and change it so it is above a list.
Poetic devices. Personally, I think you should find a poet, someone you really like and learn their poetic devices. The same with short stories if you write those. For example, the poets I like have a lot of enjambment and cesaura's, hence forth, so does my poetry. Get it? But that is just a thought.
The ellipsis in the last line is actually pointless. You have broken up a sentence which really doesn't need breaking up.
The who are you? at the start has no relatable factor in the piece. Try and work it in, and then maybe that could add to the length.
If you end a sentence with a comma, please make sure the next line does not start with a capital letter as that is just bad and makes me frown
OVERALL
It wasn't great, but okay for a first attempt. Stay on the sight and it will genuinly help, trust me, I am proof. This, of course, is just my opinion so feel free to take someone elses into consideration above mine, but I would keep it as a though. As the moment I would class it as, around, three out of ten, so I would edit if I where you.
Keep it up and let me know if you need me to explain anything or go over anything for you, or just help in general.
~Retro Disco666