Brynt Karl M. CastroComski1
T1B Essay
“Technology changes people”
People today are now on the age of advanced technologies. Surely these so called technologies, makes our lives easier. But clearly, thinking that technologies are not dangerous is wrong. Many dangers are brought up by these technologies, not just through an individual, but through all people. Since technologies became paramount in this world, many people now relies on them, and make their jobs easy for comfort. But because technology is paramount, so does the danger it carries. Thus, advancement of technology could pose dangers on the way people communicate, the way businesses run, and the way military operates.
Many people now intends to do their communications via cellphones and chats making them unsociable and making less of their talking skills. Instead of talking with other people face to face, technology made it possible to connect through the internet and do some chats instead. This results to people not going outside and making them uneasy with strangers. Some do texting which they can invent or shorten a word which is not prior to the dictionary. Talking skills are ignored by people who use technology via communication. Talking less, means less self-esteem. People became ignorant through what technology is doing with their social life.
Economic development had been a great help in a country, but people were replaced by machines and technologies. Prior to the changing of the world, the economy too has already shifted. Business intends to replace human labor into machines, making it faster and produces more products than of human labor. It all results to one economic problem called unemployment. People lose their jobs because they were replaced. Results to their families being poor and couldn’t provide any help for their families. It has been a problem for most workers, being replaced by machines and loses their jobs.
Military now uses technologies for building weapons or so. The military is the strength of a country. To improve the military and the country’s might, they build these so called weapons of mass destruction (WMD) which can obliterate any country that has been targeted. This cause many deaths of people. Military intends to waste money to build these so called weapons instead of making peace with other countries. Technology gives the military a boost through armed advancement. People become scared through technology advancement in the military.
Technology truly is a danger in all aspects. Affecting all mankind, making us scared of what will be the outcome if technology keeps on advancing. Many problems have already been created by technology. Advancement can cost much more money, instead of just giving it to charity. Losses of jobs are now high and will still rise if people were to be replaced. We can’t just let it be, we need to do something about technology in order to minimize its advancement. Truly mankind created technologies. It’s now the time for us to tame it.
References:
Negative effects of technology in communication. Retrieved: August 28, 2013 from eHow website:
http://www.ehow.com/list_7223067_negative-effects-technology-communication.html
Advantages & Disadvantages of Technology in Our Economy. Retrieved: August 28, 2013 from eHow website:
http://www.ehow.com/info_8373180_advantages-disadvantages-technology-economy.html
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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126,147 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
Your topic is very interesting. The content is excellent. Nice job. Keep it up.
You have a point on your essay. Keep up the good work!
Very well said. Nice article huh, keep up the good work.
Hey there, Brynt, and welcome to YWS!
Just so you know, I came to this essay first because the work description was "wee". Very attractive and inspirational. Haha.
When I read through this essay for the first time, I noticed that you have a solid idea you want to communicate and you have evidence you want to present to prove your point. One of the biggest problem in this essay is grammar, and I'm going to try to take you through lots of those examples to help you with all your writing in the future!
So, from the very first section -- the title -- I have some comments. When we make titles, we need to capitalize (basically) every word. That means instead of "Technology changes people", your title needs to be Technology Changes People. That's what sets it apart as a title instead of an unfinished sentence.
When we move on to the first paragraph, we see this sentence:
Age is a span of time. It's wide, like a river. And usually we think of people as in a river (unless they're on a boat, but we have no time boats, right?), so we also think of people as in time. This means you should say "People today are now in the age of advanced technologies."
But we're not done yet. "The" is an article sometimes used to refer to "THE ONLY" one of something that doesn't have a specific name. For example, there may be usually only one president of a country, so we call that person "the" president. If we think about the future, though, technology will probably continue to advance, right? So this isn't "THE ONLY" age of advanced technologies. (Also, "today" and "now" have the same meaning, so you can cut one!) Thus, the sentence would read best as:
"People today are in an age of advanced technologies." One sentence down.
Alright, I'm now going to point out a repeated mistake and hope that with practice you can learn to avoid it on your own. This mistake revolves around the idea of subject / verb agreement. If you have a singular (one) subject, you must have a singular verb as well. For example. If we say "the desk" and we want to make it run, we say "the desk runs". He/she/it subjects take an "s" on the end, so we change the base run to runs or make to makes, etc. Your subject (technologies), is plural, right? There's more than one type of technology that you're referring to. That means it needs a plural verb. Technologies's pronoun would be "they", and "they" matches up with a verb WITHOUT an "s", like "make".
Technology makes. Technologies make.
Also, I don't know why you have that comma in there! Take it out!
In review of this sentence, I want to share with you some more general essay advice. The reason you're writing an essay is to explain or prove your point. In this case, you're kind of trying to make other people agree with you that technology is dangerous. There are people who don't think so, and people who've never thought about the idea.
What I mean is, the point of your essay is not supposed to be "clear" to whoever is reading it. If they knew the information already, why would they read the rest of the essay? Whoever is going to keep reading will keep reading because it's not clear to them whether technology is or is not dangerous. You're going to give them info on that. So I'd take out "clearly".
I'm skipping a couple of sentences now:
This is another example where your subject and verb need to agree with one another. People is plural. Relies is a singular verb. You need to say "people now rely".
Also, when you make complex sentences, your subject carries over to all parts. This means that right now this sentence means: "Many people now rely on technologies. Many people make their jobs easy for comfort." See the weirdness? You probably want to say something like.
"Since technologies became paramount in this world, many people now rely on them. Technologies make their jobs easy and comfortable."
When you have two halves of a sentence that are supposed to match like "I like cheese and so do monkeys," you need to use the same verb. Right now you've matched "IS" paramount with "DOES". Does what? You mean to match the two verbs and say this sentence:
"But because technology is paramount, so is the danger it carries."
Okay?
Ah! I absolutely love this sentence. Why? It completely sets up for the next three paragraphs! That's an awesome way to prepare your readers for what's coming! You lay out everything you will cover and we know what to expect. Fantastic instinct!
Okay! I won't try to keep you much longer. Just a few more things!
We usually use the phrase "This results in" rather than "This results to". Also, remember from earlier when I said your subject carries over! This sentence means: "This results in people not going outside" and "This results in people making them uneasy with strangers". People make themselves uneasy? You'll have to use a word that the people perform instead. Maybe something like...
"people not going outside and becoming uneasy with strangers.
I am really interested in this point! I know I experience social anxiety and I also know that I didn't used to, but I've spent more and more time online. I think since this is a shorter essay you can't go very deep into the details, but giving some explanation (half a sentence or so) of WHY this makes people have less self-esteem would be helpful!
One other mistake I have seen more than once in this essay is changing tenses. You've got both present tense and past tense in this sentence! "Lose" is present, while "replaced" is past. I'd say for a majority of the essay, you use present, so stick to that!
Make sure everything matches! "being replaced" and "losing" their jobs, okay?
You say in this paragraph that military is the strength of a country, then later say that it causes a lot of death. Is military helpful or hurtful? It can be both, for sure, but you seem to have two opposing point of views. It's essential < it's the strength. It's terrible < it kills lots of people.
In closing, I want to say that the conclusion of your essay is REALLY STRONG! I love especially the last line. "Now it's time to tame it." Super wonderful.
You're definitely a strong student in terms of structuring your essays, which is usually the hard part. Just note what I've said about grammar, keep learning, and keep a sharp eye out for those mistakes!
PLEASE let me know if you have any questions about what I said.
If there's anything you don't understand here, tell me and I will try to say it again in a different way!
Share these tips with your classmates as well!
Thanks for sharing!
Hannah
Very nice title.
The content of the essay is good. It is very informative indeed. Job well done! 
Nice work dude. Keep up the good work.
Nice essay