You're an idiot Scarlett!" My bestfriend Abby shrieked at me through her laughter as I made another face at her. We were having so much fun in London on vacation. We’d been here for 3 days and had 4 weeks left. It was so much fun seeing the sights for the first few days, now we were walking through a giant major neighborhood.
Her blue eyes had tears in them. I stuck my tongue out to one side, crossed my blue eyes and pulled my ears. She doubled over laughing, her blond hair falling like a curtain around her face, causing her to stumble sideways into the street by accident.
"Absy! Quit pretending to be a car and get out of the street!" I called through laughter. It was 3 am in London, and it was still humid. Fog surrounded us and it was causing our hair to curl. It was way different from our Texas home. Normally in the summer it was so hot you had to wear shorts, tank tops, and there was no hope for makeup because it would melt off your face. The neighborhood we were in was full of huge houses. Scratch that mansion’s. It was all two and three story mansions; though you couldn’t see their details through the fog.
I saw head lights coming, "Abby!! There's a car!" I took off toward her, she looked confused and took a few steps toward me.
"What Scarlett?!" she asked, she hadn’t heard me. Oh no. I opened my mouth to tell her to move but never got to, the car got there first. I saw her eyes go wide just as the car hit her. It didn't even stop, just sped away.
I dove for her. "ABBY!!!!" I SCREAMED.
She lay on the side of the road limp and unresponsive. I hit her cheek trying to wake her. It didn’t work, but I had to get her out of the road. I grabbed her around the waist trying to be as gentle as I could and pulled; I had hardly any upper body strength but still managed to get her out of the road.
"Absy!! Absy please this isn't funny!! Please get up!" I took her pulse, it was faint, but there a positive sign, but she needed help. I ripped my phone out of my pocket, no service the screen flashed. "NO!" I howled.
I scanned the houses around us, only one had a car’s in the driveway, I ran for it. My legs pumping as hard as they could in flip flops, I slid to a stop and I pounded on the heavy oak door, "Help me please!" I screamed.
The boy who answered the door looked to be in his 20’s. "Please! Call an ambulance! My friend...she was just hit by a car!" I panted, feeling tears stream down my cheeks. When had I started crying?
His ocean blue eyes widened and yelled into the house "LIAM! Call an Ambulance! Somebody was just hit by a car!"
"Where is she?" He demanded, and I ran feeling my shorts scratch against my legs.
"How long ago was this?" His British accent was thick, I could barely understand him.
"A few minutes ago." I panted, He kneeled down by her side and examined her arm; it was twisted in unnatural ways. Her shorts were ripped and bloody, but I couldn’t tell where she was cut, I put her head in my lap and pulled up an eye lid revealing her blue iris "Abby, please please wake up." She groaned.
Oh thank you God! She was awake!! I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. The other boy showed up, be ran a hand over his dark buzzed hair. His brown eyes were wide as he examined the scene.
"They're on their way,” He said grimly.
"Kirk?" She asked weakly.
"I'm here Lee, they're bringing help, can you try to stay awake?" I leaned over her and my blond hair fell around my face. I felt the adrenaline start to wear off, I started to shake.
"My arm hurts," she said as tears ran down her face.
"I know Lee, I know,” I told her weakly as a few of my tears hit her face.
"Am I going to die?"
"No Abby. You're not, you're a fighter. But you might not be able to pitch anymore." She smiled and I heard the wail of sirens in the distance, I looked back down at her as her eyelids drooped. No, she had to stay awake!
"Lee. ABBY. Stay with me they're almost here," I slapped her cheek, trying to keep her awake.
"I'm so tired though Kirk." She moaned.
"You can sleep when you're high as a kite on pain killers, stay awake Abbigail." I cried getting desperate. The Ambulance pulled up and EMT’s ripped her from me. I watched helplessly as they put my bestfriend on the gurney.
"Who's going with her?" The dark eyed EMT asked, looking pointedly at the three of us.
"Me." The boys nodded, standing close to each other and off to the side. I climbed in and one of them called in a deep British accent "I hope she's ok." "So do I," I smiled weakly at the 2 boys.
The EMT slammed the doors behind her and stood over Abby writing down things on her clipboard. She attached an oxygen mask over her pointed nose. The EMT asked me questions about my bestfriend, I mumbled answers to her. She got the story we were on vacation and none of our family was here with us, we were walking around exploring when she crossed the street and got hit and that the car just drove away.
"Are you ok?" The EMT looked at me levelly, her brown eyes worried. Was I? I just saw my bestfriend get hit by a car that sped away, we were in a forgein country with no family, and i was now alone. Her dark eyes were professional but worried.
"I don't know. I don't feel anything."
"I think you maybe in shock."
"I'm ok." She tilted my head back and shined a flashlight into my eyes, the bright light hurt.
"They're normal. That's a good sign." I caught sight of my reflection, my blue eyes were wide and scared, that certainly wasnt normal. My tank and shorts were now bloodstained, and my black flip flops were ripped. My hair was knotted and frizzy looking more like a mane. I shook the image out of my head,
I nodded at her, “When do we get to the hospital?"
"In about 2 minutes. Don't worry love; we'll take care of her. We have one of the best medical staffs in the country." She placed a comforting hand on mine and squeezed. I tried to smile hopefully, I’m pretty sure it looked like a grimace. She sat back down silently watching Abby’s heart rate monitor. I sat there scared out of my mind for the next 2 minutes hoping that Abby would be ok.
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I liked it! Is this after you edited it because it seemed alright to me. I just got a little confused at the Kirk and lee part but I think I get it now. And also were you meaning to spell Abby wrong in the first part.. Because that bothered me a bit.
However, I love one direction and you did a nice job of pulling me in. I don't think that it was too fast because I know that the true story is about her and the boys. Her friend getting hit by a car was just the setup. It was a good thing that you brought it in this fast so you could pull your readers in like you did to me. I'm excited for her to live with 1direction! Which I'm pretty sure happens because of the info you gave in the description.
Hi! Good piece!
Wow! Okay, that was REALLY fast! I mean whiplash fast. First this then this then BAM! Her friend is in the ambulence. It was so fast that I almost missed Abbey getting his by the car. Then I had almost no idea what was going on. It can be fast pace, without being so fast you dont know whats going on. And why werent they with they're parents? It just need some details and explaining. Good job!
~SB
Okay.
This was interesting. I usually enjoy this type of book, but the lack of originality really gives it a bad name, seriously, make up your own band or something if you want to write a story like this. . .
You have an lot of dialogue, and I have to agree with Swiftur, you need more detail, really, it would sound better.
Also, separate your dialogue using paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.
A lot easier to read.
It's got potential though. Good grammar overall, and a nice chapter size(Maybe a bit small).
Keep it up.
Ok, I went back through and put in a little more detail. I didnt want to put a lot of it because i want her to focus and be scared about the fact that her bestfriend was just hit by a car.
Whoa! Waaaaaaaay too much dialogue. I want more description. Where were the in London? What is the main characters name? What were they wearing? What do they look like?How did they get to London? When I read this,I was so caught up in it,and it seemed to go by too fast.Take it slow.Add some details. I like it, but I have to say,it needs major improvement, no offense, it's great. It just needs detail, and revising.
Thank you! I tried to find a middle ground with the detail because as I told BlackNether12 i want her to be focused on her friend.