z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 6.2

by soundofmind


Chapter Six Part 2: What Happens After

The next two and a half weeks were bliss.

That wasn't to say her leg still didn't hurt if she put too much pressure on it or tried to run too hard a lot of the time, but Laura had been taking good care of her and Matt, along with Kaleb. It was the fastest recovery time she could ever hope for or even remember in her experience with wounds (which was a lot, since fighting monsters was her job), and she was surprised to find that, after two weeks, she felt like she was almost at full strength again.

After two weeks of hobbling around the house and helping Laura with smaller household chores, Clandestine was finally able to abandon the crutches and walk around the farm. She walked across the living room with hesitation, before stopping at the front window, looking outside.

It was a warm, dry day; the kind that was best spent in the shade, or just not in the desert. But outside she could see Matt digging - filling holes with dirt beside Kaleb in the distance. They'd been doing that for the past few days after they'd gotten everything they could from the goblin's underground camp that had been stolen from the farm. Matt had been eager to get to work and out of the house, so she hadn't seen as much of him in the past few days since he'd been keeping himself busy outside. It had felt... a little lonely. She'd, of course, grown very fond of Laura in their time spent there, but once she was able to walk around on her feet without any struggle, everything within her wanted to be out there with them.

She heard Laura walk up beside her.

"You can go join them, you know," Laura said with a small grin, putting a hand on Clandestine's back.

Clandestine looked over at Laura with here eyebrows drawn together. Not because what Laura said was wrong or anything, but because she didn't really know how to respond. Laura was right. She could just go out there and say hello, and ask if she could help. But something was holding her back, and that something wasn't her leg.

After a considerable pause, Laura spoke up again. "Is something wrong?"

Clandestine looked over to Laura, opening her mouth to say something but no words came out. She didn't really have words to describe it. Ever since she'd talked to Matt about her magic, she felt different. Ever since she'd woken up, the only human person who knew about her magic was the first cowboy she met, and he'd always told her to hide it and pretend she didn't have it. But Matt was... accepting? She didn't think people like him existed. People who were okay with keeping her secret, even though they didn't have magic themselves. And he didn't have magic - did he? Would he tell her if he did? She felt like he would've. He seemed like the kind of person who would tell her that to make her feel better about her own magic if he did have any.

It was nice, though, having somebody know who didn't mind and wasn't freaked out by it. She wondered if he knew other mages, and that's why he was fine with it. She had so many more questions she wanted to pummel him with, but after that first day, they hardly had a moment alone together to talk magic without the Saints hearing. Kaleb and Laura - Laura especially - hovered over them to check on their recovery stages constantly, and they were otherwise doing things that were useful or just talking with their kind hosts. Of course, she loved the company, and Laura and Kaleb really did live up to their last name, but it made it difficult to talk about... illegal things.

Clandestine smiled awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck, brushing away her thick black hair that went a little past her shoulders. "Not really I just uh, well, I think I've gotten so used to being indoors that the outdoors looks a little intimidating. Haha!"

Laura laughed, looking out the window alongside her. "Well, it is a bit hot out. It might be good to put your hair up." She pulled something out of her pocket and held it up for Clandestine to see. It was a ribbon. A yellow ribbon that kind of matched the dusty yellow bandana she wore around her neck.

"Figured you might be needing a new one," Laura said with a little smile. "Mind if I...?" she pointed to the back of Clandestine's head, and Clandestine pulled her hand away.

"Oh! Uh, you mean, put it up and all?" she laughed, leaning down uncomfortably so she was more easily in Laura's reach. Laura pointed to a rocking chair that sat just a few feet from her.

"You could just sit down," she chuckled.

"Oh, yeah, right," Clandestine said with a nod, taking a seat in the chair as she looked around on either side, not sure which side Laura was coming from. Her turning her head back and forth like a bird only made Laura laugh more as she came up on the side and slipped the ribbon under her hair.

"I'll just tie it up in a nice bow," she said with a smile.

Clandestine started to nod, but Laura put a hand on her head. Oh, right. Stay still.

It only took a few seconds for Laura to get all of Clandestine's stray hairs apart from her bangs, and as she tied it up high Clandestine smiled. It always felt better to have her hair up and out of the way. She couldn't see the little bow Laura was talking about, but she took her word for it when Laura said it looked nice.

"Thanks," she said as she looked to the floor, still with her smile.

"Of course, dear," Laura replied, patting Clandestine on the shoulder. "Have fun filling holes in the big scary outdoors."

Clandestine laughed. "For sure."

--

Clandestine wiped the sweat off her forehead, trying to get her bangs to stop sticking to her skin. It was midday when they came inside to cool down, and the sun was beating down at its hottest. They'd finally finished filling the last, biggest hole that had been their escape route coming up. It took a painfully long time, but with three people working on it with shovels verses just one or two, it went loads faster. "Loads faster" being that it took all morning, but at the very least, it was done, and the Saint's farm was officially on its way to being restored.

Clandestine plopped down into the rocking chair while Matt went for the couch. Kaleb didn't make his usual bee-line for the other side of the sofa as expected, and instead went into the next room in the kitchen as he fanned his face with his hat.

Clandestine looked over to Matt curiously, but Matt was staring at the ceiling, still looking a little red from being in the heat for so long. It was a good thing he found his hat again, otherwise, he'd probably look even worse off. He wasn't as dark as she was.

She didn't have to wonder for long what Kaleb was up to though. In a few short seconds, Kaleb and Laura came out into the living room together, Laura with a sack of coins in each hand.

"We don't have much, but we do want to pay you for all of your help with the worms and the goblins. I don't think we would've even known what to do if you hadn't come. I've never spoken to a goblin before," Laura began as she walked up to Matt and then Clandestine, handing them the money. Matt seemed to take it with nothing but a smile and a thankful nod, but Clandestine felt conflicted when the pouch was set into her hands.

"But we don’t even know for sure if they’ll come back!" she retorted, trying to hand the pouch back. "They might be mad! Goblins take damaged honor really seriously. I don't want you guys to get hurt!”

Laura pulled back so Clandestine couldn't shove the money back into her hands, smiling. "If they come back, we can always call for help again. This is our farm. It's the one piece of land that's in our name, so we aren't going anywhere."

"'Sides, we want to pay you anyway. Monster huntin' ain't easy," Kaleb added.

"Yeah," Laura agreed.

Clandestine looked down at the money in her hands with something of a frown. She didn't feel like she really did her job. She wasn't really sure what she did, but she didn't kill any monsters. She just scared them off for the time being. Maybe.

"We wouldn't have anywhere else to go anyhow," Kaleb went on. "We ain't old enough yet to go on over to our son's farm! We're still healthy and strong," he said with a little laugh, lifting up an arm as if he was flexing. He walked up beside Laura and put the same arm around her waist, and she leaned into him.

"We got married on this farm, we raised our sons on this farm, and we're gonna stay here s'long as we can. If the goblins come back, eh, maybe we'll reconsider, right?" He asked, looking down at his wife.

"Maybe," she grinned. "If it comes to that."

"Yeah," Kaleb said with a smile.

Clandestine watched them, refraining from 'aww'-ing at their cute display of affection. She couldn't help but feel a little worried about their future, but she also didn't want to overstay their welcome - but that meant she would have to say goodbye. That meant that their time together was over, just when she was starting to get really fond of the Saints. She forced a weak smile up at the old couple.

"Well, thank you guys... for everything as well. I mean, not just for the money. You guys did more than enough in caring for us. I'm - I'm really thankful. You're good folks," she said, stopping to look down, trying to hide her sadness.

"You really are," Matt echoed, causing the couch to creak slightly as he got up. "It's rare to find folk like you, and for that, I'm truly grateful as well. I wish you the best," he said with a tip of his hat. "So with tha-"

"Wait, wait!" Clandestine interrupted, staring at Matt with wide-eyed confusion. What was he saying? Why was he getting up and looking at the door? "You're leaving now?"

Matt stared back at Clandestine with a blank expression and blinked twice.

"Uh..." He put his pouch of money in his pocket. "Yeah?"

"Oh..."

Clandestine's eyes fell down to the floor, knowing that her sadness and disappointment was written all over her face. Matt was leaving? Why was he leaving? Was it because of her magic? Did he not want to be associated with her for very long? There was a pause, and silence fell between the four of them as Clandestine fumbled around her thoughts for an answer. For something to say so Matt wouldn't leave. She didn't know if she could bear to leave all three of them so suddenly and be completely alone again, apart from Billy. She almost forgot Kaleb and Laura were there, but their feet remained in her peripheral.

She started slowly. Awkwardly.

"Uhh, I know that, like, this monster hunting job didn't really go as planned. But, you make a good partner. So I mean, I know it's really uh, forward, but I want to keep working with you."

She looked up at him. He was just staring at her blankly still. She could feel herself start to sweat again - this time in her armpits, but it wasn't because of the heat. She cleared her throat.

"Like, I want you to join me on more monster hunting ventures. You don't make a lot doing it a lot of the time of course, but it's a lot of fun in the uh, 'Wow, I survived that too,' sort of way."

Matt, formerly blank-faced, looked over at Kaleb and Laura for a second. He turned back to Clandestine with a smile, laughing away the tension. Clandestine found herself grinning back.

"Sorry uh, I just didn't think you'd want me to stick around since I got hurt so much. But I mean, I guess it's definitely more exciting than the ranchin' life, so I don't see why not. If you think we make a good team, I wouldn't mind stickin' around."

Clandestine's grin turned into a full smile spreading across her face. "Yes! We do! You're right! Don't worry about getting hurt, I'll teach you all there is to know about monster hunting! You'll become an expert in no time! You're good at fighting people, and I'm good at fighting monsters! We can teach each other! And become masters!" she said, finding herself becoming more and more excited with each word that left her mouth. Matt was smiling back and looked equally happy about staying with her as he nodded, laughing a little.

Kaleb and Laura, who had been quiet observers of the now resolved conversation politely smiled along with them.

"Well, hopefully, your further ventures don't leave you so beat up like this one did," Laura said. "I was going to send you off with a small kit of first aid supplies anyway, just in case you get into any more trouble. I can go put that together before you two get set off." She kissed Kaleb quickly on the cheek before she pulled away to do just that. Kaleb turned to Clandestine.

"Need help packin' anything?" he asked.

"Well, we both don't have much combined, but we could use help saddlin' up Billy and Elliott!" Clandestine said as she hopped up out of her seat, feeling much lighter and energized at the hope of having a friend to keep traveling with.

"Alright," Kaleb said with a smile. "I'd love to say hello to 'em again. They're real sweet steeds. Ain't easily spooked neither."

Clandestine nodded as she turned to the front door to head towards the barn where their horses had been hanging out most of the time, staying out of the blazing sun. "Yeah, well, Billy's seen lots of things. Many monsters! He's a real trusty horse."

Kaleb and Clandestine shared more smiles, stepping out onto the porch with Matt following behind. Clandestine had to exercise all of her self-control to keep from seeming more over-excited than she was. But it wasn't just excitement that filled her chest. It was relief.

When she'd come to the desert, she expected to leave it alone. She hadn't really expected to leave the desert at all, really. But this gave her something to look forward to. She hadn't known that she'd find anyone or anything that would give her a reason - even if it was a small, simple one - to... well...

She looked over at Matt as Kaleb started to go on about his own horses. Matt was listening to Kaleb with a little grin. And for the first time in quite a long time, she could say she was really looking forward to something: traveling with a friend.


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Wed Dec 09, 2020 11:00 pm
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Carina says...



AWWWWWW. clanny just wants a buddy




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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And I am back. Hopefully about fourteen more reviews will be heading your way today.

First Impression: It appears the actual might get underway soon which is always very exciting. And you've portrayed the Saints really well. It is sad to see that we might not run into them again. Or will we? And Clandestine's insecurity about her magic is always very realistically portrayed there so great job.

It was the fastest recovery time she could ever hope for or even remember in her experience with wounds (which was a lot, since fighting monsters was her job), and she was surprised to find that, after two weeks, she felt like she was almost at full strength again.


So I assume she was taught some kind of rudimentary healing by her mentor? With all her skill in bandaging Matt and then this repeated mentions of her healing stuff by herself.

Clandestine looked over at Laura with here eyebrows drawn together. Not because what Laura said was wrong or anything, but because she didn't really know how to respond. Laura was right. She could just go out there and say hello, and ask if she could help. But something was holding her back, and that something wasn't her leg.


This whole emotion behind the acceptance of her magic is portrayed really well throughout this chapter. It's really nice to see.

Ever since she'd woken up, the only human person who knew about her magic was the first cowboy she met, and he'd always told her to hide it and pretend she didn't have it.


So she has never met another magic user before? And even after what appears to be a long history of magic users being suppressed no one has attempted to form a secret society or anything for magic users? No group has tried to change the laws?

Clandestine smiled awkwardly and scratched the back of her neck, brushing away her thick black hair that went a little past her shoulders. "Not really I just uh, well, I think I've gotten so used to being indoors that the outdoors looks a little intimidating. Haha!"


Wait a minute, Laura actually believed this very lame excuse?

"Oh, yeah, right," Clandestine said with a nod, taking a seat in the chair as she looked around on either side, not sure which side Laura was coming from. Her turning her head back and forth like a bird only made Laura laugh more as she came up on the side and slipped the ribbon under her hair.

"I'll just tie it up in a nice bow," she said with a smile.

Clandestine started to nod, but Laura put a hand on her head. Oh, right. Stay still.

It only took a few seconds for Laura to get all of Clandestine's stray hairs apart from her bangs, and as she tied it up high Clandestine smiled. It always felt better to have her hair up and out of the way. She couldn't see the little bow Laura was talking about, but she took her word for it when Laura said it looked nice.


This moment is really nice with Clandestine getting to experience some mothering after not having any kind of parental figure.

"But we don’t even know for sure if they’ll come back!" she retorted, trying to hand the pouch back. "They might be mad! Goblins take damaged honor really seriously. I don't want you guys to get hurt!”


Did I just see some subtle foreshadowing?

"Wait, wait!" Clandestine interrupted, staring at Matt with wide-eyed confusion. What was he saying? Why was he getting up and looking at the door? "You're leaving now?"


So this actually does seem a little sudden and unexpected. You would expect him to at least ask Clandestine about this. He doesn't seem like the type of person to just assume something and then act on it.

"Sorry uh, I just didn't think you'd want me to stick around since I got hurt so much. But I mean, I guess it's definitely more exciting than the ranchin' life, so I don't see why not. If you think we make a good team, I wouldn't mind stickin' around."


Well he will have to endure a lot of small talk which is basically torture for him. Rest in Peace Matt.

Clandestine nodded as she turned to the front door to head towards the barn where their horses had been hanging out most of the time, staying out of the blazing sun. "Yeah, well, Billy's seen lots of things. Many monsters! He's a real trusty horse."


This I'm assuming is a subtle way of saying that Matt has run into a fair few hairy situations himself judging by how his steed is also similarly unruffled. Also why did Clandestine never confront him about those scars?

She looked over at Matt as Kaleb started to go on about his own horses. Matt was listening to Kaleb with a little grin. And for the first time in quite a long time, she could say she was really looking forward to something: traveling with a friend.


Looks like the real story is about to begin.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: Nice little recovery chapter. Good break from the action of the last couple. And of course some great emotion portrayed there. Overall great story so far.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Mar 16, 2019 10:25 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello again!

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The next two and a half weeks were bliss.


Is it bad that my first thought was that these blissful two and a half weeks involved some very adorable Clatt moments?

Ever since she'd talked to Matt about her magic, she felt different. Ever since she'd woken up, the only human person who knew about her magic was the first cowboy she met, and he'd always told her to hide it and pretend she didn't have it. But Matt was... accepting? She didn't think people like him existed. People who were okay with keeping her secret, even though they didn't have magic themselves. And he didn't have magic - did he? Would he tell her if he did? She felt like he would've. He seemed like the kind of person who would tell her that to make her feel better about her own magic if he did have any.


First off: Shame on you, cowboy man. It's a great survival tactic but it's obviously had some detrimental effects on Clanny's mental state if she's questioning what to do now that Matt knows.

Secondly: Aw. Just aw. Matt and Clanny are just so pure together and I love it very, very much.

Thirdly: I wholeheartedly agree with Clanny's assessment of Matt based on our roleplays. He may have secrets that he doesn't intend to tell her - at least as of right now - but I can certainly imagine him sharing a secret like having magic if he knew it would make her feel safer. Matt is kind like that, even if Matt isn't really who he is. In all honestly, though, I feel like Matt's been slipping more than he intended to - he's more of a hybrid of his actual self and Matt, and I really do think Clanny's favorite parts about Matt are the ones that are really him.

She wondered if he knew other mages, and that's why he was fine with it.


;)

Matt seemed to take it with nothing but a smile and a thankful nod, but Clandestine felt conflicted when the pouch was set into her hands.


My headcanon is that Matt feels just as uncomfortable, but is way better at hiding his discomfort.

"You really are," Matt echoed, causing the couch to creak slightly as he got up. "It's rare to find folk like you, and for that, I'm truly grateful as well. I wish you the best," he said with a tip of his hat. "So with tha-"


Matt tipping the hat killed me. :P

Why was he leaving? Was it because of her magic? Did he not want to be associated with her for very long?


Poor Matt. I'm sure he knows what Clanny's reaction would be - he's definitely introspective enough to figure that out - but I'm also sure he's doing this because he's worried about the risks involved in getting close to someone.

Matt, formerly blank-faced, looked over at Kaleb and Laura for a second. He turned back to Clandestine with a smile, laughing away the tension. Clandestine found herself grinning back.

"Sorry uh, I just didn't think you'd want me to stick around since I got hurt so much. But I mean, I guess it's definitely more exciting than the ranchin' life, so I don't see why not. If you think we make a good team, I wouldn't mind stickin' around."


Yeah, he's definitely dying on the inside right now.

And for the first time in quite a long time, she could say she was really looking forward to something: traveling with a friend.


Image


Overall Comments


Like with the last chapter, I couldn't find anything major to critique. This chapter was an excellent one, and works great with the precious part - Clanny doesn't suddenly become best buds with Matt, and Matt clearly has qualms about their blossoming friendship.

Though we both know it's not because she has magic.

But, overall, this is a really sweet break in the story. Clanny's making a buddy and is thrilled about it, while Matt is less thrilled but also in desperate of someone to give him emotional support.

I'm just really excited to see how the story progresses, whenever I review again. <3




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Sun Dec 30, 2018 9:38 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



Okay I slept and now I’m back and pumped to read more! Let’s jump right in!

So, I’m super excited to read more from Clandestine’s perspective here, because I wonder how she’ll respond to Matt and his proclamation from last chapter part. I’m not sure I even believe Matt, so why should Clandestine? I know she wants to but actually being able to is a different thing altogether. And not only did he find out about her powers, he also knows a lot of her past, and it’s not an entirely common past. I’m sure some part of her, even if she doesn’t want it to be, is hesitant with everything she told Matt two weeks ago.

I like how you write Clandestine’s thoughts about Matt’s acceptance. She doesn’t even think ill of it, although she does believe it’s strange. She spends a few paragraphs trying to explain it, but I hope that there’s some part of her deep inside that believes there’s something wrong with this. She’s really too trusting to think that, but even the most trusting people I know have that cynic inside of them. And in her line of work, I’m sure she’s encountered some not nice people. While I don’t believe this is a trap, I also DON’T WANT IT TO BE A TRAP CLANDESTINE SAVE U SELF.

Wow, I’m with Clandestine on not expecting Matt to leave, but I guess it makes sense lol, he only joined her on that one mission. Although, now that I think about it, why did he join her at all? Was he trying to run away, or perhaps I just forgot was happened in the first chapter or so lol. I honestly didn’t expect him to leave, so I’m confused. Maybe he was just putting up the show of leaving because he knew Clandestine would stop him. Or perhaps he was actually trying to leave but couldn’t because he would have made a scene?

AWW THAT ENDING but I totally think Clandestine is falling for Matt. I just think that’s going to not end well unless she’s totally cool with him keeping his actual identity from her. Knowing her, she probably would be but STILL.

Can’t wait to read more!




soundofmind says...


IDK WHAT MUCH TO SAY TO THIS BESIDES THAMK U VERY MUCH. I feel like... I can't answer all the questions about Matt and his motive because if I remember, Lord help me I'm hoping to reveal that stuff later I guess lol.



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Sun Sep 30, 2018 10:32 pm
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lelu wrote a review...



Hi! Lelu checking in for the first time in a long time for September Review Month! Viva la Nachos! Now, I have not read the other chapters of this book, but the basic premise seems pretty clear to me. Monster hunters, the girl (Clandestine, love her name, by the way) woke up, probably with amnesia, and has magic, it's the Old West and they're traveling and having adventures. I can't tell if this is the happy ending or the exciting beginning, because there have been a few chapters before this, so it could go either way. It's not clear if Clandestine likes Matt or not. Not sure it matters. It'll probably become clear later.

So, many good things. Cowboys. Shooting magic out of a Colt .45 or whatever. Goblins in little Stetsons and bandannas. The big picture is good. So magic is illegal? That means magic officially exists. Alternate Old West. Also cool. Are you planning on incorporating steampunk? Some of the earliest steampunk, I mean written in the 1800s, was set in the Old West. I like Clandestine's hair, and the time Laura puts it up. The Saints are nice people and believable enough.

Small errors that obscure the big picture: mostly how you word things. It seems petty to pick at word order and spelling, but they can distract people from the beautiful bigger picture. Three examples. One: She walked across the living room "with hesitation." This seemed a little awkward. "She walked across the living room, hesitated, and went to the window" might be better. Two: You don't usually put a comma before your "uh"s, but technically they should be there. Your characters say "uh" a lot, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it draws attention to it if you leave the commas out.
Three: "refraining from aww-ing at their cute display of affection." The way you phrase this sounds a little mushy, though the event itself is cute. Though saying "cute" doesn't really feel right about an older couple with grown-up kids. "Heartwarming" could work.

Again, I love the premise. Traveling gunslingers, just like the old western shows. Except with magic. Which is illegal. So, outlaws. Which is also cool. Fighting goblins that talk with a cowboy accent. Maybe cattle rustlers who are werewolves and eat the cows? Awesome. And, if I could stand the heat, which I can't, I would love to travel with Matt and Clandestine and kick some monster butt. And maybe some dystopian evil president butt. Keep going. I would watch this if it was a show.




soundofmind says...


Thanks so much for your review! I'm really glad you like the premise! I'll take a look at those little things you pointed out. I know sometimes my wording can be convoluted and awkward ha... I'm trying to get better at that! But it's helpful when you point out specific examples so thanks!

Spoiler! :
Are you planning on incorporating steampunk?

Sort of? More or less. It's not a big inspiration or big part of the story but kinda/sorta/maybe lol.



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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi soundofmind! Niteowl here to get this out of the Green Room for Revisando Nachos this fine Review Day! Schadenfreude and Fahrvergnugen ahoy!

"A regular thing" seems like too modern/casual a phrase for fantasy to me, so it took me out of the story a little. Plus it makes me think of an old English teacher who said "things" was too vague so whenever she saw it in an essay, she'd cross it out and write "bananas". Granted this isn't an essay, but you could still replace it with a word like "occurrence".

Clandestine is an interesting name. Almost like her parents wanted her to be a spy or something.

I'm slightly confused as to why they're filling in holes. At first I thought they were hiding stolen goods, but then I reread and realized they'd gotten stuff back that had been stolen from them. So yeah, it's unclear what they're doing...digging and then filling in the holes they dug? Are they hiding something else?

She'd, of course, grown very fond of Laura in their time spent there, but once she was able to walk around on her feet without any struggle, everything within her wanted to be out there with them.


This is a nitpick, but it's weird to see a sentence start with a contraction, especially followed by a comma. "She had, of course" or "Of course, she'd..." would work.

So...magic is illegal here, but Clandestine has it and presumably grew up somewhere where that was relatively normal, but is now stuck in a world where it isn't. Yet she told Matt, who was okay with it. This is interesting.

"Not really I just uh, well, I think I've gotten so used to being indoors that the outdoors looks a little intimidating. Haha!"


The "Haha" reads like something that would be fine in a text message, but doesn't translate well in dialogue. If someone actually said "Haha!", I'd be certain they were up to something shady. Maybe it would be better to say "She laughed nervously" or something like that.

It was a ribbon. A yellow ribbon that kind of matched the dusty yellow bandana she wore around her neck.


The second bit is a fragment, but you could connect these sentences with a comma.

Ah, so they were filling in the holes because they had escaped from the underground goblin camp, but they went back and forth to get stuff out that had been stolen? It seems risky to go back to a place you had to escape from, especially with open holes that scream "We went this way". Then again, I'm probably missing stuff since I'm just jumping in here.

Clandestine watched them, refraining from 'aww'-ing at their cute display of affection.


This also reads more like text-speak. I'm not sure how to rephrase it though.

Oh, so I totally didn't realize that Matt and Clandestine weren't partners already since I'm just getting into this. So Matt's been doing his own thing, gets roped into monster hunting with Clandestine, and now she wants him to join her. He seems to go for it awfully quickly. It might make sense if his life before was really bad, but it seems really risky. Then again, it also seems risky that a woman would just be running around hunting monsters on her own in a world she doesn't even know, so I'm glad she won't be alone in the future.

Overall, though this was a little confusing given that I'm jumping in here so late into the story, I think you have an interesting setup here. This seems like a good chapter to have between the action, closing one part of their journey and starting a new one. I am somewhat confused as to how familiar Clandestine is with this world and why magic is illegal in a world where monsters are known to exist. Keep writing! :D




soundofmind says...


Thank you so much for the review niteowl!! I'll take a look at your nitpicks and stuff and try to fix those aaa! It's helpful 'cause I'm... terrible at those things lol. I feel like in the context of the other chapters this one maybe wouldn't feel as confusing but I'm clad you thought it was a good in-between chapter! Again, thanks much! <3



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Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:33 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey sound!! I'm back for some more <3


The past two and a half weeks were bliss.


Take this with a grain of salt because like, tenses? don't know her. but I think you might want to go for...the next two and a half weeks? But again. y'know.

That wasn't to say her leg still didn't still hurt


still didn't still?

or tried to run too hard a lot of the time


I like that this implies that Clandestine is spending her recovery time running around when she shouldn't be.

Clandestine looked over at Laura with a bit of surprise. Not because what Laura said was surprising,


I don't know if I've brought this sort of thing up before, but I'll suggest watching out for the repetition? (surprising)


So I'm guessing whatever cowboy Clandestine met was after she woke up? Not from her previous life? (But obviously not Matt). And? may have impacted her life negatively? I don't,, remember exactly how Clanny was bringing up past mentions, but...I don't know. I guess telling her to pretend she doesn't have magic is beneficial? to her? since it's illegal? Still, I am still curious about this other cowboy she knew.


Would he tell her if she did?


Was this supposed to be "Would he tell her if he did?"


She wondered if he knew other mages, and had so many more questions she wanted to pummel him with, but after that first day, they hardly had a moment alone together to talk magic without the Saints hearing.


so I haven't checked to see how often this comes up, but holy heck this is,,, kINDA LONG. I would try to be aware of sentence structuring? to make sure you're not running away with your words in some of these. Because sentences like this definitely could have been split up.

Laura and Kaleb really did live up to their last name, but it made it difficult to talk about... illegal things.


yeah geez laura and kaleb, can't give your guests two seconds to talk about illegal things in peace? 3/5 stars YIKES.


I don't know why but I love the little scene where Laura puts Clandestine's hair up?? I'm getting motherly vibes and tbh I think Clanny needs that.


aMAZING matt got his hat back I love it.


I've never spoken to a goblin before,"


This? says a lot about their views on goblins? or at least, Laura's. Like, vs. "I've never seen/encountered a goblin" or "I've never fought a goblin" but instead, like...a civilised "I've never spoken to a goblin". I think that's really neat?? I don't know.


I do have to wonder, it seems like Clandestine and Matt were supposed to leave then anyway- when Matt gets up to go. Why does Clandestine assume he's leaving her? I feel like? if she wasn't ready to leave yet it couldn't have been clarified? Or,, they like,, could have had the conversation? afterwards?

regardless!! they're getting along!! yay :D


Many monsters! He's a real trusty horse."


Billy <33 I love that Clandestine cares about her horses to. I don't know? I don't see that enough I feel like?? but you know me lol

When she'd come to the desert, she expected to leave it alone. She hadn't really expected to leave the desert at all, really. But this gave her something to look forward to. She hadn't known that she'd find anyone or anything that would give her a reason - even if it was a small, simple one - to... well...


oH ClandeSTINE MY GIRL D: i'm gonna bubble wrap her and protect her. the implications of this are just??? hopefully mATT CAN HELP HER she's lonely she needs friends.


Okay I think that's all I've got for today! I'm hoping to see these two back in action soon, now that they're in better health and spirits <3 Let me know if you have any questions or what to discuss, I'm always here!

I hope you're having a wonderful time :D

Image




soundofmind says...


Oh my GOSH thank you for catching all my errors lol. I wrote this kind of rushed and spread apart so I fixed all the things you pointed out I think!! At least like, misspellings, extra words, long sentences, lol. Those things.

So I'm guessing whatever cowboy Clandestine met was after she woke up? Not from her previous life? (But obviously not Matt). And? may have impacted her life negatively?

Yes, yes, and i can't answer the last one. But I'm really really glad you're picking all of this up!! :,) I know it's hard reading a chapter a week but I'm glad my hints and stuff aren't being missed!

I guess telling her to pretend she doesn't have magic is beneficial? to her? since it's illegal?

YeeeeahhHh considering people are killed for having magic it might be a good idea to hide it :,) SAD

I don't know why but I love the little scene where Laura puts Clandestine's hair up?? I'm getting motherly vibes and tbh I think Clanny needs that.

YES and YES, gOD BLESS, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS HOPING IT WOULD FEEL LIKE AND THAt'S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR <3

instead, like...a civilized "I've never spoken to a goblin". I think that's really neat??

YES GOOD

I do have to wonder, it seems like Clandestine and Matt were supposed to leave then anyway- when Matt gets up to go. Why does Clandestine assume he's leaving her? I feel like? if she wasn't ready to leave yet it couldn't have been clarified? Or,, they like,, could have had the conversation? afterwards?

I SCREAM,, LOL. YES, the natural flow of things would be to leave and say goodbye, but Clandestine's not really in that headspace yet and other things I can't really explain about her but ,,, I do keep hinting at her being much more lonely than she might appear on the outside... so I'm hoping she looks... as desperate as feels. Yeah, she probably could've asked after or clarified (i think that's what you meant?) but she's kind of just uh, panicking and assuming haaaa

BUT YES OMG thank you SO much this was immensely helpful <3 <3




A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb