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by soundofmind

He says he doesn't understand,
"So please explain..."
I'm overflowing with diamonds
that chip and break and slice
as they pour out of my mouth
like an unspoken
bag of ice.
My heart is bleeding,
fear is feeding
off my bag of tears.
I'm overflowing with diamonds 
that are flawed beyond your years.

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841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Mon Jan 22, 2018 11:55 am
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Radrook wrote a review...

Thanks for sharing this poem that expresses a very somber mood. I like the way you use imagery of a bag of tears and chips of ice. I understood the body of the poem to be the other person's explanation to the request in the intro. I was a bit confused by the ice pouring out although the words were unspoken. Seemed a bit paradoxical. I really like the ending and the rhyme that it uses. However, I would try finding a substitute for the expression "bleeding heart" since it is a cliche'.

Perhaps "My heart is receding" would be better?
Or ""My heart is entreating"

Here are some other possibilities:

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:22 am
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there soundofmind! Niteowl here to review your poem.

Overall, I think you've got an interesting idea here. The diamonds metaphor does make me think of the Rob Thomas song "Her Diamonds", but I think that's just my brain making weird connections. Anyway, I like the diamond imagery, though I wish it was more clear what these diamonds were supposed to be a metaphor for, exactly.

As they pour out of my mouth

I think the additional word would make this more grammatically correct and improve the flow.

My heart is bleeding
Fear is feeding
Off my bag of tears

This is the weakest part of the piece in my opinion. Bleeding heart is pretty cliche, and you change the rhyme scheme suddenly, which is strange because you go back to the every-other-line pattern at the end.

Honestly, I would consider ditching the rhyme scheme entirely. In such a short poem, there's only two rhyming couples, and both feel forced. In the first (slice/ice), the lines are broken up in a weird way to make it work. In the second (tears/years), I feel like the last line doesn't make a whole lot of sense and it's shoehorned in to fit the rhyme.

Lastly, I agree with the previous reviewer that perhaps you could benefit from punctuation. It may have been intentional, but I generally find that poems with punctuation are easier to follow, especially in a more traditional set-up like this one.

Overall, I think this is an interesting metaphor, but perhaps it could be expanded upon to make more sense and/or you could ditch the rhyme scheme. Welcome to YWS and keep writing! :)

soundofmind says...

I... wholeheartedly agree with you actually, on everything you said. Haha.

I don't really know how to explain it in the poem without literally explaining it IN the poem, but the diamonds were intended to be a metaphor for my words. As in, words that would express my emotions to the said "he" in the poem. Hence, the last line about them being flawed was supposed to be a sort of jab at myself, I guess, saying that my emotions themselves were flawed. That's what I was thinking when I came up with the metaphor, anyway. I don't know that it actually fits too well with the "bag of ice" bit though.

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'm not sure how to go about using it though. Should I just work on changing and re-writing the poem??? I don't know how to go about this, heh. ^u^"

niteowl says...

Hm...well it's really up to you. Sometimes when I get reviews, I make changes right away. Other times I let it sit for a while before going in for a rewrite, and other times I end up not editing the poem but keeping the advice in mind for future works.

Now that you've explained it, it does make more sense. I still think that "flawed beyond your years" feels forced, but you could work with the idea of the diamonds being flawed in a free verse poem.

I also think ice is an interesting comparison. Something to think about: ice is less dense than water, so you're kind of saying that these emotions are literally bursting out of you. That's pretty cool, and maybe something you can do more with.

You could also maybe add more imagery related to the slicing and dicing--how would someone's face look after it's been torn up like that? Sort of like the "heart is bleeding" stuff, but less cheesy and more gory. Just another random thought.

soundofmind says...

Ah, that's really helpful. Thank you! (It takes a bit of the pressure off. I kind of felt like I had to edit and change it right away as soon as I got reviews.)

And those are good ideas and thoughts! It would be fun to work with the idea of the diamonds pouring out as being physically damaging. It would definitely take away some of the cheesiness.

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9 Reviews

Points: 300
Reviews: 9

Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:04 am
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JustGlitter wrote a review...

Hi my name is JustGlitter an I am going to give you a review. First of all I really liked this the rhymes did not sound forced and I loved your use of adjectives. There is a lack of punctuation so maybe add some periods and commas just to define the sentences a little. My favorite part of this poem was well the whole part but I really liked "I'm overflowing with diamonds
That chip and break and slice
As they pour out my mouth
Like an unspoken
Bag of ice."
Overall I really liked the poem but it could use some punctuation. So sorry if this was not very good I am a little new to this.

soundofmind says...

Thank you so much for feedback! And don't worry about being new to this! This was helpful! You were totally right about adding punctuation - I'm honestly sorry I didn't add it in there. I... didn't even think about it until you mentioned it.

Thank you again, and I'm glad you enjoyed the poem!

"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein