A description of my room. (Glorified.)
In this room, you'll find evidence of my existence. I've strewn it on the deliberate, messy-painted and mismatched walls. I've left pieces between the bundles of papers that occupies the top of the mahogany drawer.
On the leather chair, you'll find the fresh imprints of my bottom, the scent of my skin and the sweat the lingers in the black stitching. Behind the chair, there's a bookshelf. It's stuffed with my childhood. There are books I've read and re-read until their meanings and purpose were lost to me. Those were the paperbacks of my adolescence.
Over in the corner, there sits a dusty keyboard. It's unplugged and abandoned, a visual representation of all the activities I've forsaken.
If you examined my dirty beige carpets, perhaps you'd see the blemishes of my DNA on them. Or maybe, if you unraveled them, maybe you'd find the memories I'd forgotten. Of me, crying away my sorrow on the floor or of me, mindlessly staring into the eyes of nothing.
Nothing at all.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, rhia here to review this poem.
I really like when people write prose style poetry, but you do lose the benefit of enjambment and structure for emphasis, so keep that in mind as you read this, as I keep it in mind while I am reviewing.
Nitpicks first:
This is worded a bit strangely at the end. Although deliberate is proper grammar in this case, the tense of the following two subjects make it sound strange. I'd try a new way of wording this. You could say
"Deliberately messy paint and mismatched walls"
"Deliberate mess of paint on mismatched walls"
or something of the likes. You get the point.
Just subject verb disagreement here. Should just be "occupy".
I think that you meant "that"?
I like the last stanza the best, because you gave some depth, some meaning, some context. The rest of the stanzas were just you telling me. You need to show me that it's there, and make me feel something connected to it. THe last stanza did just that. You made images, you gave those images emotions. If you do that for the other stanzas, this will be much better.
Keep writing,
Rhia
Hey sophomoric! It's Mr. Powers here! Who am I? Well, that doesn't matter. What does matter is this here work of yours. Let me just nitpick here, with a few odds and ends.
For one, is this a poem? I doubt it. Or, at least it doesn't look like it. I've never seen a poem written this way. Nonetheless, it's still worth a look.
Also, the heading you wrote in there: "A description of my room. (Glorified.)" You don't need to add that many periods. Really, you don't need any. The period before the parentheses is very unnecessary.
Now, into the actually writing itself. Your walls shouldn't be "messy-painted". That's rather... well, let's say you could have used better wording. Also, that very next sentence has a few errors. It should be "bundles of paper that occupy".
The rest of the work is very well-written, thought out, and emotional. Like how your childhood is on a bookshelf, or how your carpet is littered with forgotten memories. Very detailed stuff right there, and the imagery there... oh gosh!
In the end, this was a great piece. Some readers can certainly identify with this piece. I give this a favorable review! Keep writing.
Oh, and can I have that keyboard?
First of all, I would like to say that I think that this is a great piece of work.
Anyways,
Reading this I didn't have the felling of reading poetry. The main reason for this is because of the way it is written. To my eyes (Which I have read a lot of poetry in my time) your poem looks more like it is the beginning of a story. I know that there are multiple different types of poetry but they all kind of look the same if you know what I mean. Poetry is normally broken in smaller sentences, even free verse poems, and are broken into multiple different stanzas. Your poem in all works and flows well but as a poem it looks to chunky and not as smooth.
ex)In this room, you'll find evidence of my existence. I've strewn it on the deliberate, messy-painted and mismatched walls. I've left pieces between the bundles of papers that occupies the top of the mahogany drawer
This should look something like this:
{In this room,
You'll find evidence of my existence.
I've strewn it on the deliberate,
Messy-painted and mismatched walls.
I've left pieces,
Between the bundles of papers that occupies the top of the mahogany drawer.}
Do you see what I did? I never took out words or added any, I simply broke up the sentences and arranged it into a simple looking stanza. I am not saying your poem is bad but this way it gives the more poetry felling.
As well,
{Of me, crying away my sorrow on the floor or of me, mindlessly staring into the eyes of nothing.}
{ Nothing at all}
These are actually sentence fragments, consider developing this thought into a complete sentence by adding a subject or a verb or combining this text with another sentence. As a poem, it can be ok sometimes to use sentence fragments but I would personally change that here because as it does show what you want to say it would flow better as a full complete sentence.
This is all I really have to say and I hope I helped some what. Good luck and continue writing.