Published July 1, 2010
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
I like this poem a lot. It has great emotion.
A few notes:
This is kind of redundant, maybe you should get rid of the "living"
The repetition of "hurt" and "care" make this stanza harsh to read.
You use the word "hurt" several times in the poem. I think you should try to swap in some synonyms or descriptions instead to add flow.
It's a good start though.
While I agree there was emotion in your poem, there was too much of it, pushing the piece into 'emo' as opposed to a really heartfelt poem. In poetry, try to avoid shoving emotion onto the reader, or at least seperate lines like "Did you ever care?" (which when used sparingly are a good seasoning to a poem) with imagery and metaphors. Instead of just a repition of what is basically the same line, use metaphor to comvey meaning. Try something like "Did you mean to lie/Like a unfaithful husband to the wife he doesn't mean to hurt"instead of the ever-repeating "Did you mean to?" (that's just my quick example--use whatever comparison/s you like).
Hello!
I liked your poem. It has great emotion. However, the flow is interrupted many times throughout the poem. One that stood out the most was:
If you read it out loud, you could hear how it doesn't flow with each other. That first line ^ is a bit too long. Try to shorten it and carry it out into another line. (That will help it flow together too). Also, I would like to know more about that first line. Like the behavior, how is the person acting that makes the author think the person didn't care. If you add a few line about that, it might flow better into the second line (but that could just be me).
Whenever and whatever you write, always read your work out loud. It will help with your sentence fluency and even find other mistakes.
I hope this helps. Keep writing (:
I can sense the pain. I like how the topic is serious but it is simply written. It works but there are a few repetitions. I would suggest you expand on that. Good start though, it's just really rough. It could flow a bit better. I think with more imagery, it would be stronger.
Hi There!~
So, I first want to say that emotion of this story is strong. You can really feel the hurt.
Even thought the emotion is strong, though, it doesn't quite make up for what this poem lacks. To me, this didn't really seem like a poem. To me, it would be something almost like a letter you would write to someone who was hurting you. It doesn't flow like a poem and it doesn't really appear like one.
The storyline is nothing new, either. There are millions of poems out there about lovers hurting each other. This one is nothing new or special.
Wow. That sounded mean. I'm not trying to be mean, though, I'm just trying to say that it could really use some work.
If you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to PM me.