First of all, i need this critiqued for my English class. Second of all, its framework is based off of the poem "Women Who Love Angels" by Judith Cofer. Thanks.
Children Who Love Light
They are delicate
and their white-blond hair
floats in feathery curls
as they dance to the sun.
They chirp melodic words
in the ears of their friends
and enchant them with their airy ways.
At night they shudder at shadows
and turn a lamp on to sleep
as if they might lose
the ethereal light
that surrounds them.
The sun makes them glitter;
eyes shining, they are reenergized
by its warmth.
When they cry, it’s a piteous sight.
Their spirits break easily,
crushed by the world,
and as their hair turns,
it's like they never loved light.
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Canary word: Present
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Oh. Thanks for the help! I never realized i had put so many "and"s in it until it was pointed out.
Hey nice poem. i liked it alot. By the way i like its about kids. Isn't it? Its really cool. I like that you use comparison.
Critique time! This is beautiful. You have fresh, vivid, intriguing imagery, but I wonder what this is about? Does this describe the lives of all children? A special group of children? Metaphorical children?
Your first stanza is my favorite. I love the image of "white-blond hair." It gives the poem an ethereal quality, something that is within reach but cannot be touched. After all, it seems like the blond hair gene is being slowly wiped out. At least where I live, anyway.
The only thing you can do to improve this is consolidating. I think you use the word "and" too much. For example, you could change the first stanza to read: "They are delicate,/their white-blond hair floats in feathery curls..." etc.
Basically, you can replace the "ands" with commas or semi-colons. This would give the poem a velvet flow.
I'm sure your English class will love this. Great job!
(Incredibly great poem! I absolutely love it! 10/10!)