Published December 11, 2011
THUD THUD THUD.big job ahead of me thought the bony man in the trenchcoat as he sloshed across the muddy alley,his exfoliating leather boots and the sweaty bottoms of his feet slapping against the concrete,ugh I have got to get some better boots the bloody things are missing flaps so im practically barefoot, he thought" but it isnt very orthodox stopping by a shoe store before a murder".where is she he muttered. wait-he leered malevolently- it was right in front of him 1392 garrison lane. He checked his holster to see if his revolver was still there.it was.he withdrew it from his holster and cocked it as silently as possible.rap-rap-rap the mysterious man pounded at the door with his bony raspy hands.the door creaked open,he tightened his grip on the revolver as a passing trucks engine roared and...BANG! AAAAH! a woman,s voice yelled a gun banged and the sound of body dropping to the ground made a clammy sound throughout the chilly shadowy night.As he stared at the bloody corpse he ran his thin fingers across her soft pink sweater and whispered into her paling ear "you shouldnt' have pried into our business you nosy strumpet now I risk the death penalty"."Well it was the bosses orders so I guess he'll take a little blame to".He spit on her corpse and walked away muttering "I hope you rot in hell for making me risk this much"..
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139,514 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this is extraordinarily short for a first chapter here...although I think the scene that you've got going on is definitely big enough for one if it just got a bit more description sprinkled in there. And also we've got a fairly bit issue with the formatting here...you've gotta split this thing up into at the very least three maybe four paragraphs or this is currently a big chaotic mess of text here and that isn't great for reading and understanding a story here...especially when we've got a start that's very fast paced like this one.
I like the little descriptions you put in for the man committing the murder, and the way he yells at the woman for making him risk going to prison as if its her fault is very interesting to see there..and the references to this big boss character and what not are certainly quite intriguing. The description of him arriving and the comment about the boots adds a nice bit of humor into the situation too.
Something that were off are her scream, it makes no sense for someone to not immediately scream and slam the door the moment she sees a man pointing a gun at her...and this truck driving by at the perfect time is also strangely convenient...besides those though, its a very quick and very efficient murder here, certainly seems to be done by someone that's got some experience in that area.
So yeah, besides a couple of points here and there, this is a solid looking start to a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there!
Spelling and grammar have already been discussed, so I'll go straight through to the content:
This weather... Unless you purposefully made it 'a dark and stormy night' to comment satirically on the cliché of that kind of weather in an opening scene, you could do well not to have the arch-villain commit a crime on a dark and stormy night. 'Lightening roared' is certainly also overused. A description of the weather is seen as a typical lacklustre opening by many fiction editors.
The woman seems to scream after the man shot her. This is highly unlikely—she should rather scream beforehand, if ever. And the sound of the woman's body dropping should not echo, especially through such a noisy, stormy night.
Give us some more of the man's emotions and mannerisms. Build his character. This leering, coarse murderer is a rather stereotypical villain, so give him something different, perhaps some comic relief. Maybe he is a compulsive spitter, or perhaps he has a bizarre collection of crochet-hooks. Just a suggestion, though.
If you decide to expand this, make it at least three paragraphs, I think.
Keep it flowing!
Hey there, Sockmonkey!
Allow me to jump straight in.
I'm here as requested. I hope you had a good Christmas/Hannukah/other celebration
My first impression was that the grammar issues made it slightly difficult to read. However, others have already mentioned that so I won't go further.
My first critique is that straight away we were thrown into the story. I know this is often a common trick to hook the reader, (I often use it myself) but I felt we knew too little. What was going on? I felt like this really needed some thoughts of the narrator. What is he doing? Mysterious, suspenseful thoughts that give some hint to what's going on would help so much.
I've got a nitpick here:
Few things here. Ahead should be 'a head'.
Second, normally a gun can't slice off a head. If you beheaded someone with an axe then yes, but a gun would kill them and their body would drop to the ground.
Thirdly, a dark and stormy night would be pretty noisy, wouldn't it? All that rain falling.I don't think it would echo, but it definitely would in a house. Anyway, 'a dark and stormy night' is a cliché which is something that has been used over... and over... and over again which makes it sound horrible. 'As good as gold', 'hair like silk' or 'clouds like cotton wool' are all clichés. In speech it's alright and is quite realistic but when you're writing, it sounds boring. Why not describe the night in a different more unique way?
As for fleshing out, all it is is just expanding more. Tell us more on what happened. What does the body look like? Like that.But I think this would read more like a prologue rather than a first chapter.
But anyway, well done and keep writing. Feel free to ask me any questions you've got, I'll totally be glad to help you out!
Mac
THUD THUD THUD.where is she thought the bony man in the trenchcoat as he sloshed across the muddy alley,his exfoliating leather boots clanked against the concrete,wait it was right in front of him 1392 garrison lane.he checked his holster to see if his revolver was still there.it was.he withdrew it from his holster and cocked it as silently as possible.rap-rap-rap the mysterious man pounded at the door with his bony raspy hands.the door creaked open,he tightened his grip on the revolver and...BANG! AAAAH! a woman,s voice yelled and the sound of ahead dropping to the ground echoed throughout the dark and stormy night.
i try to fix what i can but the story is on a pre-typed draft,alsoi try to flesh things out however you are right when i read it it feels a little to fast but anyway thanks for the reviewi will post a longer chapter on monday and to answer your question i put exfoliating there to say his boots were peeling off you will see why i put it there later in the story maybe one of the next few chapters...sockmonkey away
Hey sockmonkey!
This was nice to read, and as has been previously said, it does have a good plot concept.
BUT, there is a couple things you need to watch in relation to grammar and all of that boring stuff.
I'll show you here: (by no means should you do it this way, it's just an example)
exfoliation: I don't understand how it fits, but it's your work, not mine, so by all means, exfoliate away!
All in all, I liked it very much! Well Done!
NightWriter x
Hey
So, I want to begin by expressing that I think your plot concept is a good one - full of potential! Your writing style moves the story along fairly quickly, so if you intend this to be a full-length novel then you may want to consider fleshing it out a little, but that's just a thought. Overall, it's very good and you've certainly got me, as the reader, asking questions already, so it's definitely a strong start- who is he, who did he shoot, why, what will happen now? Very intruiging! 
I do want to mention the small matter of punctuation, which I notice is a bit inaccurate, but it's nothing that a quick spell-check can't solve in a blink. To close off, your work is very enjoyable, and aside from the afore mentioned ticks, you're a powerful and compelling writer- keep it coming, please! 