He dreamt of it again: a glimpse of a memory engraved.
Chaos is motion. This mansion, which was once a symbol of power and acclaim, has been reduced to nothing but a motionless ruin underneath the light of the moon.
It was not chaos, but it was the inevitable conclusion of it. The fires have died out, and lives were taken together with them. The corpses were burned to the point where only their bodily shape - which was still humanoid - became the only trait that distinguished them from the rubble. Some of the charred corpses still moved, grasping for air in a vain attempt to prevent their demise. Their survival was short lived, and they eventually stopped moving altogether.
In the midst of the aftermath was a boy, no more than seven-years-old, who was the only child of the household's now deceased master.
The boy's father taught him to refuse himself - his desires, his dreams - for the sake of others. "The needs of others are far greater than your own," His father would always say. "That is our family's obligation: to become the light of humanity."
In no time at all, the boy shaped into something that his father wanted him to become: a martyr; a saint.
A hero.
Everything he cared for had gone in almost an instant. At that moment, there was truly nothing for him to claim as his own. "...become the light of humanity," the words seemed to echo. Sure enough, he did become the light. Of course, like light, his existence was merely a "nothing".
He saw everything, from beginning to end. But he was just a child; he didn't understand how and why it happened, but it did nevertheless, and he was prepared for death. Wounded and tired, the child stood near the hill of rubble and corpses. There were no tears in his eyes, and he didn't care if they will ever allow him to see the future ahead of him. The light of the moon embraced him.
Fate favored him that night, however, and he survived.
He felt nothing of it. Perhaps he never will.
There's only one part of the memory that mattered to him:
The girl with pale hair on top of the hill. She simply stood there, gazing at the moon with empty eyes. Somehow, it was clear to the boy that she was the cause of all this; the light of the moon told him that. Yet, he was happy just to see the lonely girl.
He felt compelled to save her. The hero's fate was sealed.
He climbed the hill and held her hand. There was no sensation, as if her hand was the moonlight itself.
It was not love; he didn't care for her, but the boy told her this:
"It looks like your birthday party is over. We should go home now."
It was a grim denial of reality, but the boy's words was sincere. The girl looked at him with her golden eyes still staring into nothingness. She moved her lips, but no sound came out. The boy only waited for an answer.
After a while, the girl finally replied. "Okay... please take me home."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, sociohat!!
That's awesome, and I feel like it must stand for something greater. Just don't forget to include the moon in other chapters, please.
He dreamt of it again: a glimpse of a memory engraved.
Chaos is motion. This mansion, which was once a symbol of power and acclaim, has been reduced to nothing but a motionless ruin underneath the light of the moon.
I just wanted to point out how beautifully written the start of the chapter is. It's formal and has great imagery. Keep writing like that and you'll go places.
The fires have died out, and lives were taken together with them.
Most of the chapter is written is past tense, up until here, so it sounds a little muddled.
The light of the moon embraced him.
Since it is your story, I'm pretty sure you already know this, but you used the moon a lot.
It was a grim denial of reality, but the boy's words was sincere.
His words were sincere.
This was a lovely chapter and a pleasure to read. I'd love it if you could let me know when the next chapter is up!
Really liked the story, it's piqued my interest. I'm confused as to why you picked chapter/novel. Seems like a perfect thing for a one part short story. I assume you plan to continue it? If so I'd love to know when you do, I really liked the story and look forward to what you will do if you continue it.
Hey, sociohat! I'm Pan, and I'll be happy to review your work today.
First off, nice writing style. That's what stood out to me most about this piece - it seems like you've worked hard to vary the sentence structure and make it flow. Your description never overstays its welcome, too, which suggests to me that you're a pretty developed writer. Solid stuff. I like it.
Interesting start, too. I like the mystery of it, but a criticism of mine might be that it comes across as a tad confusing - I had to read parts of it twice, because I wasn't all that sure about what was happening. That said, it isn't too much of a problem, as plenty of good stories have confounding beginnings (like the Durarara!! series, for example, or the His Dark Materials trilogy) but you have to be careful with them. I think your main problem is that it jumps about a bit. You tell us about this destruction, then you tell us about the boy, then you tell us about how his father wanted him to be a hero, then there's all the stuff about becoming the light of humanity, and then there's the girl on the hill. It almost feels...disjointed. If you stripped it back and only focused on a few of the elements - the destruction and the discovery of the girl, perhaps - it might make the piece easier to follow and less haywire.
But don't overthink that too much. I could follow it, I just felt that it wasn't that clear. As someone who's struggled with clarity in their own writing, I thought it worth mentioning.
I have a few other nitpicks, but nothing major.
I like the gist of this line, but the wording is a bit off here and there. The repetition of 'only' and use of 'became' feel misplaced. I would write it like this:
'The corpses were burned to the point that their bodily shape - which was still humanoid - was the only trait that distinguished them from the rubble.'
Probably just a typo, but it should be 'were'.
You've already established that the 'he' you are talking about is the boy, so you don't need to say it there.
Anyway, I think I'm going to have to conclude it here. In short, this is good work. Just watch out for clarity and minor errors, and you'll be onto a winner.
Keep writing!
~Pan