Soul-less blue eyes.
Empty shell; where he lies.
Tears left his blue eyes dry.
Gone are all his memories and times.
Starving for another try.
Now are the days where he lies.
Awaiting another peaceful life.
Pleasures and pains pushed aside.
Lonelyness ebbed away with the tide.
Soul-less blue eyes no longer red.
Tear filled with joys and happyness to be had.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi sobebomb! I'm Kat, and I'll be dropping a quick review, okay?
So, my biggest issue with this was that it all seems too forced, rhyming wise. As if you're molding the poem and everything else just for it to rhyme. There's no need in rhyming poems, you know? There's also free verse, and the occasional structures and patterns, so that these kind of poems (with every line rhyming) won't turn out like this. I can see lots of potential in this, emotionally wise. I'm not feeling anything out of this. And this has so great potential! It's about getting over someone's darkness and sadness. I liked and didn't like the fact on how combined crying too much leaving your eyes blue, as if the tears washed the colour away. But in the end you mention his eyes were red, because that's really what happens when people cry. So, a bit off on that.
Anyway, just take another read, try out loud, and try to revise it. I'm sure it'll turn out great! Thanks for posting
- Kat
I love this, I also have blue eyes and it gave me alot to think about. The only line I really didn't like is the last one. It just didnt seem to fit for me.
love your work i think that you have great potential
I interpreted it as a dead body, that the narrator knew, but there was hope that the soul previously in the body would be born again. But I don't know... Part of the 'goodness' of the poem was the mystery of exactly what was happening.
The title of the poem is a great one. I love the poem. It is interesting and unique. I like the sad theme. It flows well. There isn't much people could say that is wrong with the poem. The ending of the poem to me didn't seem good compared to the rest of the poem.
Heyy loved the poem the theme was a big eye opener to me casue my girl friend and i both have blue eyes which made it appela to me more. The peom is short but its very well written and wasnt what i expected. Sorry about whats happening in your life but keep writing cause your good
no not really. just a sad moment where i felt trapped and lost. had to write something, to take the edge off.
This was what it was supposed to be soulless.
Just a few corrections you do not hyphen soulless.
Lonliness is spelled with an i not y that also goes for Happiness.
Just a question, is he dying?
Nice piece! Keep writing.