Published September 14, 2011
Fine, go ahead and forget how good we are together,
but you can bet that I won’t let this last forever,
because we seem to connect in a way like no other.
They say bones are broken by sticks and stones,
but what about hearts,
how do they fall into separate parts?
No one ever talked about that,
and I never knew,
until your words left scars running through,
every part of me that ever loved you
“I love you!”
“Your lying!”
Don’t make me start crying,
I’m dying watching you create scars.
I did everything I could but you put my heart behind metal bars.
You’re filled with pain and it’s making me go insane.
I love you more then you allow,
and I know you took a vow to never love,
but what about yourself?
Don’t go putting your feelings in a locked box on a shelf,
let me help you so we can get through the pain.
You feel the need to add more scars,
and I keep trying to break through these bars.
I know this love of ours should be enough,
but there’s nothing I can do to help you.
Please let me through this unbreakable wall you’ve created.
“I love you!”
“Your lying!”
Don’t make me start crying
I’m dying watching you create scars.
I did everything I could but you put my heart behind metal bars.
You’re filled with pain and it’s making me go insane.
You’re feeling things I can’t keep out.
The darkness is a part of you but without you I can’t see me.
Please don’t let this be our future.
Let me help you,
I can reassure there’s no need for blood and tears,
and we can live in a world without fears.
“I love you…”
“Your lying!”
“Please, I’m trying…”
I’m dying watching you create scars,
but I did everything I could.
You put my heart behind metal bars.
You’re filled with pain and it’s making me go insane.
“I still love you”
“You lied”
“And this still makes me cry”
It killed me to watch you create those scars,
but you put me behind your mental walls.
I did everything I could in the hopes of helping you,
stay alive.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
Hey snow berry!!!!!!!! Dogs here for your review today! Firstly i really really really really really really really reallllllyyyyyyyyyyyy loved this piece! You took an overused and boring topic and twisted it into something unique and original. I love how this is part dialogue, part story, and part expressing to us your feelings. You have layered this poem beautifully with character strength, her emotional change throughout the poem is fantastic.
But my absolute absolute ABSOLUTE favorite part about this piece is how you put in the dialogue and then rhyme with it in the next line. That part is great. You used repetition flawlessly without making it sound repetitive. I only have two tiny tiny nit picks. Firstly when you say:
"I'm dying watching you create these scars"
AGHHHHHH I kind of died a little bit inside there sorry. You had everything going so perfectly in then you throw in this line here! This line bugs me so much! Well not so much the line as the "create" DARN CREATE! the "create" is really really really bugging me. I suggest you go on a thesaurus and look up create and choose a better synonym because i just don't like that word.
Furthermore the ending.... oh the ending. You had this fantastic lead up and then you just say "stay alive". WHAT?! Slight let down there! It feels like you totally dropped the ball here on the ending. It is so abrupt. If you think i'm crazy (which i am) by all means ignore me here lol.
Anyways apart from those two things this was fantastic. Defnitly in the top best 50 YWS pieces i have ever read. I really hope it gets featured!!! Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I have already read this twice, if that tells you anything.
So powerful and so strong! I love it.
Hey, thank you so much for the helpful posts!
If that makes any sense 
I just wanted to take a second to say that I have always sucked at the Your/You're thing...
Also, SteppinRazor, I might just start following you because I loved how you spoke on your post
Aw snap! I freaking loved this! It was so awesome I would definitely bump this while cruising.
So true! It's sad how this person totally caged them and emotionally at that. Sucked them into their black abyss, Once again I really liked this! ♥This is a really powerful poem! I love it
Just two notes:
- The constant use of "Your lying", it should be "You're"
- "how do they fall into separate parts?"
This line comes across a bit funny because usually parts are separate.. You kind of use tautology and it doesn't really flow. If you'd still like to use tautology (the irrelevant repetition of an idea),Maybe instead you could say:
"When did this breakage begin to start?"
Other than that, I really like the concept of this poem. Well done and keep writing!