Love me, I said. Hate me, I said. Leave me alone, I said. Come back, I said. I don’t believe in happiness, I said.
My life. It sucks, yeah. It could be better, yeah. I was in love, I had a boyfriend; I was popular, I was loved. I was happy. Go figure.
I thought I was lucky; I’d never had a bad streak in my life. Well, I found out that things change…and there isn’t a thing you can do. Not a single thing; well shit, thanks for telling me earlier.
When you think of the popular kids at school, you think of the girls with the short skirts, faces caked in make up with the to die for guys circling them. Well, with me, that wasn’t strictly true. Torn and faded jeans, died black hair, gothic shirts and piercings. Yup, that was me. The most popular chick in the school looked like an emo punk rocker.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hello. I'm Nike, here to review!!
First of: I feel like this could be longer. And more descriptive. It felt very loose and you switched topics easily, which is not good. I was not pulled into the story whatsoever.
Grammar/Spelling: 10/10
I don't have a lot to work with here. Reading it, I liked the idea. Making a story like that is brilliant and if you want to do so, get right on to it. But right now, this piece, is not that impressive. I believe you can make it better.
At first you were talking about love, hate, staying with your boyfriend. I like that bit. But then you don't add much more to that and you carry off. And then you say the MC is very happy but then she is sad. Why is she sad? What happened to her that made her good life, sink?
When I saw the start of this story, you were soft in your writing. Then you get more in depth and even swear. Not saying I have a problem with swearing or anything, I just expected the whole story to be soft. If that's what you're going for, soft then in depth, make it flow because here it is not flowing.
I feel like I'm banging on you now, sorry. But I just want to help you with your writing because I do believe this HAS POTENTIAL!! Just work on it.
Keep Writing! Tell me if you want me to review more and when you post more, I want to read more from you!
Nike
Hi there Snoopy! So my first question is, is this really a short story? It seems like something more, it seems like a beginning to a bigger piece or a blurb or an introduction or an excerpt or not really a short story at all. Remember that a short story quite simply should always have a beginning, a middle and an end. It may sound simplistic but it's actually a really important concept. Structure is everything, especially in something as short as this.
However, I'm not going to dwell on that because I'm not so sure that it is a short story! Let's instead talk about your character. The second paragraph is particularly confusing because she's talking about how much she hates her life and then discusses the things that made it good. I realise that you're going for juxtaposition but I don't quite think it hangs together. I think it's better if you explain the bad things first and then have her look back and consider the contrast. The way it is it sounds like you haven't really considered why her life is so bad.
I also take issue with the use of the word popular. It feels like the girl hasn't really considered herself as a person, only that you the author have considered her as a character. That you've gone, "I'm going to make the most popular girl in school look like an emo punk rocker!" Does she think about this herself? Does she consider herself an emo punk rocker- or even the most popular girl in school? Stop thinking about your own opinions of a character and instead get them to be introspective. We don't always see what other people see when it comes to ourselves.
Other than that I thought this was an interesting piece, I just left feeling a little confused
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x