Published March 25, 2010
i am not sure that my first chapter is what i want it to be. i hope you enjoy reading, you can be as harsh as you want in your reviews.
Saturday 14th of August 2000, 12:59 am
It was hot. My black ringlets had come loose from my braid and had stuck to my face, sweat was trickling down my neck. Mum says that my hair is like velvet, whatever that is.
The car was boiling and stuffy. I leaned against the window, the glass was deliciously cold and refreshing on my face. I watched drops of rain slide together on the window, sliding past my face and being flung into the car behind. I diverted my attention to the cars speeding past; I looked up at the starry sky.
“Why do they shine like that Mum?” I asked around the lollypop that was jammed into my mouth.
“They sparkle because they like to show off their beauty to the world,” she replied with a smile.
I looked at her and rolled my wide yellowy-gold eyes; Mum always says that they are like giant cats eyes; I have never seen a giant cat before not even in a zoo. She turned to face me
“Buck up kiddo, we’re almost home,” she said, reassuringly touching my freckle covered button nose.
I love it when I get called ‘kiddo’.
Dad looked into the mirror and smiled.
“When we get home I reckon a big mug of hot chocolate is needed for you, you’re the one that’s keeping Daddy awake,” he said, looking at his wife.
“Dan, I think this kiddo needs to go straight to sleep when we get home, she looks tired,”
I shook my head hurriedly.
“Aww com’on I’m thirteen, I can stay awake for aaages,” I replied
Dad laughed at my reaction and focused his attention on the road, driving along the highway, doing the speed limit of 100 km/h.
Mum and Dad are archaeologists; they fly a lot so I end up staying with my Nana most of the time, we always bake cakes and sweets for when Mum and Dad get home. My Nana lets me lick the bowl, we have great fun. When Mum and Dad come home they bring me many presents from their travels, they say that when I’m older I could go with them on their trips. I haven’t been to school but I have been home schooled. Next year I will be going to grade eight, though Mum thinks that I should be in grade nine because I’m so smart.
“Are we there yet?” I asked, gripping tightly to my favourite teddy bear, the soft brown fur pressing against my cheek.
“Almost, love,” Dad said, grinning at me through the rear view mirror.
Dan looked at his wife.
“How you holdin’ up?” he asked
“I feel a bit tired but I’m sure I can stay awake until we get home, what about you dear?” Alira replied.
“I’ll make it,” he said, brushing Alira’s face with his large thumb, “you were a good find Ally.”
“Oh so I’m an artefact now am I?” she said sarcastically
“You’re not just any artefact, you’re my artefact!” Dan said possessively, his eyes alight with laughter.
“Dan, keep your eyes on the road!” Alira yelled at her husband as he was veering towards the other lane of traffic, the lights along the side of the road flickering past, reflecting off the white lines and cat’s eyes that lined the middle of the road. He quickly swerved back into the correct lane and swore profusely,
“Dan! Not in front of Trish, I knew I should have washed your mouth out with soap the moment I met you!” she said, scolding, as his swearing would have put a sailor to shame.
“Ow! Sorry love,” he said as Alira slapped him hard, leaving a red handprint on his cheek.
I let out a soft giggle, and started to sneeze violently. My sneezing has been going on since we left for Venice for our annual holiday. We left on Monday, it’s now Saturday, we went to museums and art galleries, restaurants and theatres, universities and libraries, it was great. The only down side was that it smelt because of the canals. We just got off the airplane close to an hour ago that is why were going home now. It was a real treat, it was my birthday yesterday I’m now thirteen!
“Jesus!” Dad said handing Mum his handkerchief, Mum passed it to me and said to her husband “Jesus had nothing to do with it,”
I stopped sneezing and blew my nose on Dads’ hanky.
“You ok now baby?” Mum cooed to me. I rolled my eyes and nodded.
“Good, now we’re nearly home so don’t fall asleep, remember you’re keeping Daddy awake,” Mum said with a sigh and faced the front.
I stared out the window at the lights flashing past, I figured out that if I stared at one spot long enough they would start to blur together. I saw another light join the fray, but it looked different. It was not the same colour as the car lights, it was a vivid yellowy green.
“Hey Mum what’s that light?” I asked pointing,
Mum looked to where I was pointing; I saw out of the corner of my eye a group of dark shapes sitting on the side of the road.
“I don’t kn…JESUS!” Mum said as Dad swerved madly to the left to avoid some mysterious shape that scurried across the road, making us go over the white line of the shoulder; the line emitted a droning sound as soon as the wheels touched it. Dad struggled to control the car as he saw the metal guardrail approach and the soft grass that was the medium strip disappear far behind us.
“Shit, shit, shit!”Dad screamed as he tried to avoid the guardrail. “Ok, I hope everyone’s seatbelts are on!” he yelled as the guardrail rapidly approached.
I looked wildly around, “Mum what’s happening?” I screamed in terror, gripping my teddy.
“It’s ok baby, it’s ok, just hold on tight,” she said reassuringly, trying to me.
I started sobbing holding onto my teddy as if he was going to save us from disaster.
Time slowed dramatically, so much that I could make out the faces in the cars on the other side of the median strip. I saw that yellow light hovering in the median strip, only there were three more. They’re eyes! I thought, suddenly realizing what they were; they belonged to two big, sinister shapes that were sitting there with a look of accomplishment, watching us go past at high speed. The grassy medium strip was a tiny speck in the distance.
Everything sped back up to real time; the guardrail was just seconds away, up close it looked hard and unforgiving, Dad relentlessly tried to stop the car even though he knew he couldn’t do anything. He gave up the fight and accepted the fact that we probably were not going to make it out alive. I counted the seconds until we hit the guardrail. One dog and cat, two dog and cat, three dog and cat, four dog and cat, five dog and cat, six dog and ca… impact.
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140,293 Literary Works • 673,080 Reviews
Very interesting...very unique. I little jumpy, and you have some grammer issues and grocery listing going on, but other than that its fine and dandy. PM me when you post more, kay?
Love and other things,
fictionfanatic
Hey Snoopy! I saw you needed a review for this so I just came.
When you address someone directly, you use a comma.
Spoiler
This seems a bit weird. It's her mom and dad then why is she being so formal and calling him Dan and her mom 'his wife'? I thought it was in third person and I read again to see what person you were using. But it was all in first person, so this was kinda weird.
So, you have a lot of comma problems, lot of sentence structure problems but I didn't point them out since many already had and I think it would be just like spoon feeding. I'd rather like to let you find out the problems(with some help) and then put the commas on the appropriate places yourself. The problem mostly with your commas is that you don't forget to put them but you use too much of them. A sentence which can easily be bent into two three sentences is made into a long one and you just go on putting commas like a full-stop. You don't need to make your sentences very long. That'd drain out your readers' interest. You should know where and when to stop a sentence and start a new one. Commas are used mostly to differentiate between two parts of a sentence and not two sentences themselves.
Now what I'd like to first say is that your descriptions are quite good. You didn't fail to paint a picture in front of my eyes and the slow way of how you ended the story was quite nice. Generally people rush with the end and say something like 'the next thing I knew' etc, etc. So I felt very good reading that you didn't do the same and you had slightly different way of telling us the same thing. That is what I call good showing. Your descriptions in the beginning to the story were quite unique too, and I really liked some things you wrote. So good luck with descriptions.
The whole idea/concept is very good and I actually like stories of loss and love. They're something I've always loved reading and you would have to show a lot of emotions if you are going to continue with after what happens. In a situation like that you'd have to work a lot on your imagery which I bet you'll do.
Now some parts which I didn't like. Firstly, the whole text seems like a block of words and I'd advise you to split it up into paragraphs and post it in Story format if you know what that is. Or either PM and I'll tell you.
Firstly, the whole portion seemed a bit weird when she would switch to Dan and his wife. He joked to his wife,and the way you wrote that made it seem like it was from third person which wasn't the case. So, I didn't like that approach and I'd like you to decide which story format you'd like to use and then write.
Secondly, she seemed too kiddish. Where I am from this behaviour for a thirteen year old would be fine. But the story seems to be set somewhere in Europe or US, so I haven't heard or read about people of there talking like that. They get really pissed off if their parents kiss them or cuddle them in the public, or hold their hand and I think it would be infuriating for them to be called 'kiddo' by their parents. That's something not even parents in India would generally do. It just seems people would call their ten year old, or less than that. The way she clings to her teddy is also very immature for her age. I know there are some people who grow up mentally later(in their behaviour, not their thinking wise) and believe me, I am one of them, but they'd usually avoid showing themselves like this in public or somewhere where they can be easily detected.
Right now I won't say it's the best thing I've read and you've got a lot to improve on. Your characterization, wordings, commas, and the way of narrating. If you'd need any more help, lemme know.
thanks megsug...yeah u can review the other ones if you want
Hey Snoopy,
I'm here to do that review you asked for.
This was definitely interesting, and from the other reviews I can tell you've already changed it around a lot, which is very impressive. I find changes harder than the actual writing. I found a few things here...
This was a great first chapter. As a hook it worked.
I find a lot of your sentences, especially at the beginning, very choppy and monotonous. I would switch the sentence structure up a little. Some people like short sentences though, so it's completely up to you.
You have a small problem with run-ons and commas.
Here are links for both. The run-on one is a bit dry, but it's short.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm
http://www.kimskorner4teachertalk.com/w ... html#COMMA
That's what I could find. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to review the whole thing or not, so just post something on my WRFF thread if you want me to continue reviewing.
Megsug
Hey there! Finally here for the review you requested.
This was an interesting read, and the ending is certainly... a cliff hanger? But I do have some issues with it, so I'm going to focus on the bigger issues I saw. Hopefully I won't repeat anyone else!
First off, I'm not a big fan of prologues. They're usually pretty useless. I don't know where the rest of your novel is going so I can't really say, but would it be possible just to make this Chapter One? Maybe this does have some significance. Of course, I'd probably like it more once you fixed the other things I have to comment on.
My other comments are better ones, I swear!
I think you started this in the wrong place, that's my first comment. You should start it here:
Not this exact paragraph of course, but this is a GREAT place to start. Something is happening. Everything before this point was kind of boring. Harsh - I know - but you need to remember, this is your beginning! you need to hook your reader by your every word so they never want to put your novel down. Hooks are hard to do, but one of the strongest ways to do it is by throwing them into the middle of conflict! And where I quoted is where the conflict/tension starts, so you may want to start your novel there.
My final comment would be on your choice for point of view. You're writing first person from the point of view of a five year old. To begin with, first person is incredibly hard to write. You can't just write it for the sake of writing it, you need to have a darn good reason. To follow that, a five year old is going to be tricky from first person. They're wild little kids with short attention spans and don't understand much. I'd suggest you move into the third person. It will also allow you to write a more interesting voice that's not so restrictive.
Also, be careful with your POV, you slipped up here:
The underlined bit is out of the first person POV.
So in short my thoughts are:
1. Does it have to be a prologue? Consider your reasons.
2. Start with a hook!
3. You may want to reconsider your POV.
I hope all this helped! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
thanks Lauren, i have this problem with commas my dad says everytime he reads something of mine, 'you have an attack of the commas did you?' it's because my pinking on my right hand is sorta stiff so it sometimes hit's the comma XD ><
O.o So many commas...
The prologue, quite intruiguing, but the commas, oh dear. One big misconception about commas is that they must be used, which is entirely untrue. Commmas should be used sparingly, and mostly when to give something to the effect of a sentence. Commas should never be used for the sake of commas.
Here is an article from the Knowledge Base about commas that could be very helpful. I want you to most look at the third section about excessive commas. Commas
What I really suggest doing is take this, take out all of the commas (yes, I mean all of them) and read the sentences out loud to someone, or to a wall. Just read it out loud. Whenever you take a natural pause insert a comma, or even some other type of punctuation.
This was really interesting, just needs a few commas sifted out. And the comma-therapy will really help some of the sentence confusion talked about by some of the other reviewers.
Keep writing! (I'm on to the other 'first chapter' you've posted)
-Lauren-
thanks i will try to keep these things in mind and i will fix it up as soon as possible
Overall: It's a good plot. You'll need to work on grammar and getting your sentences phrased right. If you have any questions, PM me.
~Lava
This starts off incredibly well. I can really see everything happening. One of the bits I found slightly confusing was when you said:
It seems like it's a bit jumbled round. If you had something along the lines of:
A couple started to slow and approach, by this time the baby seemed to have stopped whimpering.
The other was:
Suddenly there is a male and the only bit we ever hear about him is when he dies, it's like having the end to the story without the start. I think you just need to mention him perhaps where you first mention the female.
So only really the structure to comment, the description I think is incredible. I really wan't to read more!