Young Writers Society

Hey @snippyfemme! I read this last night and I completely adored it. Completely. Adored. I thought it had such a strong message - because when people talk about "hidden illnesses" they tend to think of mental illnesses, or things without tangible physical consequences, but many chronic diseases have these hallmarks like diabetes that, to the surface the person looks perfectly ordinary, but lift up their shirt and you'll see a different story.

Loved the lines about tubing.

So, I really liked the message of your poem and most of its features too.

One thing I'd question is the use of the word "medicinal" - for some reason it didn't quite hit the chord with me that it should have. I think because it's not a clinical enough word to me - it conjures up visions of "medicinal herbs" and as well, it suggests a curative function, which doesn't seem to be the aim you're going for. Words like clinical, pharmaceutical, sterile, therapeutic all to me bring up more of a picture of modern day healthcare than medicinal. But this is from reading through my own frame of reference so feel free to ignore me.

A couple of things on this stanza:

someone should tell me that diabetes isn't a religion, you can't convert people to it. everyone's favorite joke is my favorite pastime but i don't have to make it your favorite pastime.

Wow. This is amazing! I love how you formatted this so much! You did such a good job of creating this image of a diabetic. I also really like all of the medical terms and how you kind of honed in on "medicinal" as a way to relate all of what you say. This is a really quirky poem but I love how you made this so unique without making it super complex or all over the place.

I really love every single one of the lines in this, but the one line that reads weird is "I keep forgetting that you don't have needle bruises because my scar tissue feels like home." I'd recommend you insert a "like me" after bruises, or maybe a "to me" after tissue, but I do feel that you need to insert a couple more words to make the line overall more comprehensible. Another line that reads slightly awkward is "but maybe medicinal could be beautiful" as you're talking ik third person before going back to first. You could possible insert a "to me" after beautiful if you so inclined, but it's not necessary for the reader to understand what you're trying to say.

I don't really have much else to say otherwise that you are a really good poet! Great job on incorporating so many terms and making it such an interesting poem to read. This format drew me into reading your poem, and I loved how the poem lead me to almost skipping lines trying to follow the words. I hope this review can help you, at least a little! Bravo!

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